-lemurlibs91-
Bronze Member
I don't know if this is helpful but I have various different levels/types of what may or may not be actual dissociation, but what I consider to be dissociative style incidents.
One where I can hear and see everything going on but at a distance, as if I'm a small version of me inside my head, looking through my eyes. I am still present and functioning, I'm just not consciously thinking of what to say or do and I can't quite reach real life. I don't find this distressing but it's unsettling and can be frustrating if I want to get through, past the kind barrier. I was told by a psychologist that this is a form of 'derealization' (which is on the dissociative spectrum).
Like @Enaila, I sometimes dissociate when I have a flashback or when I'm on the verge of one. Sometimes if there is a vague trigger (e.g. a person on TV with personality traits who makes me feel scared) then it results in dissociation instead of flashback, it's almost as if my brain goes there to protect me from having a flashback or risking actual trauma. When it's that sort I have no idea that I've "gone" and I can't bring myself back until someone else does. Apparently I just sit there seemingly staring into space, looking scared. I can't hear or see what's going on in the present, but I'm not anywhere in my head - I'm literally nowhere. These are disorientating but not too scary as nothing bad is happening and there is a sense of being safe when I'm nowhere because I'm less likely to get hurt. I just don't like 'coming round' as I feel very vulnerable and exposed having been unaware of what I've been doing.
I also get times when I have flashbacks where I'm am almost 100% in the past, in that flashback. I hate these as they come with intense fear, and sometimes I'll act as if I'm in the FB situation without knowing I'm doing that (not exactly ideal). It's hard to come back from these quickly so I often go back into a dissociated state afterwards.
Something that I don't consider to be dissociation and I'm certain that she's not an alter, is when I go into child mode. This has become more apparent with my PTSD and according to my partner and my therapist (who probably witness me at my most extreme child mode), I change how I speak, how I act, and I can only function if I'm treated like a child (i.e. getting me my cuddly toy, using simple words and sentences). My therapist tends to ask how old I am so she knows what mode I'm in - it varies from 2, 4 to 5/6 years old and I act differently each time. To me, this is just a coping mechanism rather than a disorder but it is problematic given I'm in my mid-20's and sometimes I can be a nightmare to deal with when I'm in non-verbal 2 year old mode.
Some of these things happen even when I'm triggered by something not related to PTSD - if I feel overwhelmed in general or as if I'm going into a panic attack or if the voices that are normally at a low level get worse sometimes. So although it can be inconvenient, I do think dissociation can be beneficial and help me cope with day to day life.
I hope this is of any help to you @PaintedDreams124, feel free if you have anything to ask.
One where I can hear and see everything going on but at a distance, as if I'm a small version of me inside my head, looking through my eyes. I am still present and functioning, I'm just not consciously thinking of what to say or do and I can't quite reach real life. I don't find this distressing but it's unsettling and can be frustrating if I want to get through, past the kind barrier. I was told by a psychologist that this is a form of 'derealization' (which is on the dissociative spectrum).
Like @Enaila, I sometimes dissociate when I have a flashback or when I'm on the verge of one. Sometimes if there is a vague trigger (e.g. a person on TV with personality traits who makes me feel scared) then it results in dissociation instead of flashback, it's almost as if my brain goes there to protect me from having a flashback or risking actual trauma. When it's that sort I have no idea that I've "gone" and I can't bring myself back until someone else does. Apparently I just sit there seemingly staring into space, looking scared. I can't hear or see what's going on in the present, but I'm not anywhere in my head - I'm literally nowhere. These are disorientating but not too scary as nothing bad is happening and there is a sense of being safe when I'm nowhere because I'm less likely to get hurt. I just don't like 'coming round' as I feel very vulnerable and exposed having been unaware of what I've been doing.
I also get times when I have flashbacks where I'm am almost 100% in the past, in that flashback. I hate these as they come with intense fear, and sometimes I'll act as if I'm in the FB situation without knowing I'm doing that (not exactly ideal). It's hard to come back from these quickly so I often go back into a dissociated state afterwards.
Something that I don't consider to be dissociation and I'm certain that she's not an alter, is when I go into child mode. This has become more apparent with my PTSD and according to my partner and my therapist (who probably witness me at my most extreme child mode), I change how I speak, how I act, and I can only function if I'm treated like a child (i.e. getting me my cuddly toy, using simple words and sentences). My therapist tends to ask how old I am so she knows what mode I'm in - it varies from 2, 4 to 5/6 years old and I act differently each time. To me, this is just a coping mechanism rather than a disorder but it is problematic given I'm in my mid-20's and sometimes I can be a nightmare to deal with when I'm in non-verbal 2 year old mode.
Some of these things happen even when I'm triggered by something not related to PTSD - if I feel overwhelmed in general or as if I'm going into a panic attack or if the voices that are normally at a low level get worse sometimes. So although it can be inconvenient, I do think dissociation can be beneficial and help me cope with day to day life.
I hope this is of any help to you @PaintedDreams124, feel free if you have anything to ask.
