Relationship Is It Ptsd Or Does He Really Not See A Future?

[JM318]

I can't help to be paranoid and bring up the negative thought: Is this PTSD or does he really not see a future with me?

My boyfriend and I have been on / off. He is the sufferer and I am the supporter. Please consi...

My boyfriend and I are on and off for 2.5 years, he is the sufferer and I'm the supporter. He was diagnosed with PTSD 9/2015 and we broke up shortly after. That was our longest separation (6 months) and when he reunited us he told me he is no longer denying PTSD and he knows his fathers death and the military are the root to our communication problems. He had his first actual mental breakdown last Sunday and I've never seen him so upset. He is usually very reserved- as if he is smiling on the outside but suffering on the inside. I've been giving him space all week (which is what I usually do when he is having a hard time) and I'm not sure if we are broken up but I told him our relationship doesn't matter now and to focus on the road to recovery. He started therapy last week and told me he is going because he values our relationship and realizes he needs to seek professional help. THIS IS A HUGE STEP! I realize this will not be an easy road from here on out (it hasn't been a walk in the park the last couple years) but I am hoping that this is a new beginning for the both of us. Many of my friends think I should focus on myself and hate seeing me hurt. But the fact is, I am hurt but I am okay at the same time. I have been practicing patience, and selflessness and I concentrate on school and my fitness in my free time. What kind of person would I be if I walked away from the man I love when he needed me the most?

My question to you is:

When you are on/off again, does your s/o push you away and isolate himself by telling you things along the lines of: he doesn't love you, or doesn't see a future with you? I ask because I know deep down in my heart he loves me and when he is his non-PTSD self he makes me feel like I have the world. It's undeniable the bond we share, but when something triggers him he is someone I don't recognize. When he is not having symptoms he does bring up our future (a lot actually) but when things get overwhelming for him he tells me he is unsure of everything in his life except his job. We were at a wedding last Sunday and they seem to bring the worst out in him. He broke up with me at my friends wedding last October (the start of our 6 month breakup) and then had his first breakdown last Sunday after a wedding. I am seeing a therapist to help me understand things better and she told me to always stay in the present because he can't figure out "right now" so how can he even fathom looking towards the future? So I try not to take the things he says personally because this is a battle with himself. Lately I've been wanting to give up bc I feel like I'm stuck and I do want a family, house and future, but I know until therapy progresses and until he finds stability, we will never progress forward. My mentality now is that we have come this far, and I need to see therapy through, I know its not going to be an instant fix, but I want to support him in any way that I can and he tells me the things I do, do not go unnoticed. Any advice would be helpful. Thank you so much.

 

[Geoffry777]

Trust your heart and mind dear...give this peoblem to God and be patient...forgive ur ex and work on u pls.

 

[Geoffry777]

Obvious relational conflicts...imo...breaking up at a wedding?....for shadowing? Love u...be well.

 

[WaveRunner]

My boyfriend and I are also on and off for 2.5 years, he is the sufferer and I'm the supporter. He was diagnosed with P...

Hi! Please forgive my delayed response. I know when you're in that place and you connect with someone who *might* actually understand, every minute feels like hours.:)

First of all, what you wrote is something I relate to VERY much. I have not even the smallest shadow of a doubt that he loves me. And in my limited understanding, even if and when they break up with us, it is never about the love they feel ending.

We have taken our breaks / broken up (three or four times in 11 months). He has had his meltdowns and he hides them. He blocked my number once for a month. I thought it was because he stopped loving me or that he was just a jerk...but it's not like that.

Here's my thing...If you can get to a place where:

1. "Breaks" happen and you communicate and work together to come to an agreement that works for you both, you're going to be okay.
2. Give him boundaries (NOT to be confused with ultimatums). Set the rules ahead of time so he knows.
3. When he goes off the grid, you take care of yourself. If you crumble into 5,000,000 pieces and you don't have confidence in controlling it, then your needs may not be met. Be honest with yourself.
4. Hold him accountable but be strong-feminine. Coming at him like a bitch is going to cause you stress. From my experience, he has liked being held accountable. Strong women do well...bitches fail.
5. Remember that EVERYONE has something. Some people are upfront about it; Others are not. I like this. It's like saying...hey! I'm wonderful in more ways than you can imagine but periodically, I go off the grid and I need you to practice self-love while I go.
6. If you're needs aren't being met, it's on you to communicate to him. PTSD is not a free pass (from what I'm learning).

I read one refreshing thing about communicating a plan when things are good so you know what to do when things aren't going well. Every relationship will test you.

I hope this helps!

 

[UniqueSunflower]

I can appreciate someone wanting to stand by their partner while they go through symptomatic phases of PTSD. However, I've had relationships in the past where in hindsight I've recognized my other half displayed symptoms and behaviors that were not acceptable for me to tolerate. There have been times in my own recovery where I haven't been emotionally healthy myself and didn't have the energy to be there for them or even to hold them accountable while establishing / maintaining healthy boundaries. I have experienced times where I'm okay with less intimacy when someone's pulling away although over all, I would like to have consistency in intimacy levels and this feels like where I am now. It may depend on your personal needs - if it's not feeling like it's draining you and you're not compromising your own sense of well being.

 

[JM_318]

Trust your heart and mind dear...give this peoblem to God and be patient...forgive ur ex and work on...

Will do, thank you for your words

 

[JM_318]

Hi! Please forgive my delayed response. I know when you're in that place and you connect with someon...

No big deal on the delayed response! And thank you for your input, we have also been through quite a few "breaks" or break ups. I have not heard from him all week since his breakdown although I texted him to tell him I support him and he responded:

"I'm having a really difficult time figuring out where I am all together. One thing that I think I need to do is make the initial jump into this therapy thing alone. I'm nervous and anxious to see any type of progress because the constant anger and negativity in my head is f*cking killing me from the inside out. I know you care for me and see the better side of me- none of what you do goes unnoticed".

Our friends want to go tubing down the river on Sunday and he wrote he might be down to go.... I feel sad that he wants to go do things still (which I am too) but if he's ignoring me or wants space, why just from me? I realize that I am the one he is romantic and vulnerable with and he hides how he feels and his symptoms really well from friends but I can't help but to feel left out :(

 

[WaveRunner]

No big deal on the delayed response! And thank you for your input, we have also been through quite a few "breaks" or br...

You may not realize this but you're not just helping yourself: You are helping me as well.

I have had VERY similar instances. What has created the most conflict isn't him needing his space. By nature, these men gravitate towards independent women and therefore, I believe you and I share that trait. With that in mind, I don't mind if any person I love needs breaks or pulls away. To me, it feels natural. However, it is previous relationships that made it hard for me to see that these men aren't necessarily running from commitment or specifically you. A LOT of people in the dating pool experience the "ghosting" that goes on. Once I separated the two behaviors (one from a PTSD sufferer trying to get his ducks in a row; Another from a blatant jerk), I had more confidence.

Yesterday, I saw a post on this forum about the "stress cup". This sufferer's wife asked why she can't be in his cup. Another sufferer outlined it so articulately. I will find it and see if I can share it with you.

The HARDEST thing for me is: When I'm feeling so close with him and he is triggered, pulls away....we take a "break" and now I feel empty. It takes some time to process it all. And you feel hurt, you could cry every second of everyday. When is he coming back? IS he coming back? Does he love me? What could I have done differently? Etc.

I don't know the answers but it's crazy...they have their stuff and I'm insane because if he walked through the door this second, I'd marry him. I don't know if it ever gets better. I'm so sorry. I know what you're feeling. And I know it's hard to get support from outsiders with no understanding of PTSD.

 

[WaveRunner]

No big deal on the delayed response! And thank you for your input, we have also been through quite a few "breaks" or br...

Oh. BTW - I find his response to be incredible. When these guys say that, they mean it. He is blocking you out because he has confidence in your connection and you. Don't let girls ruin that for you with "advice". In my opinion, it's a compliment.

 

[WaveRunner]

So I've been here a few days and already I've learned so much. But I have a question: why can't I, your wife, be in your stress cup?

Like I get the concept: there's a finite amount of stress a sufferer can handle and any spillover has negative consequences. But it gets me thinking: isn't there a stress priority list of some sort? Like can't I take priority over something else? Why does the spillover stress always have to be me? Why can't the stress I cause be part of the allowable pile and maybe something else can spill over? I feel like I'm always the last priority, like I'm the stress you're never able to deal with.

Am I off base to think this? Is it purely a temporal thing? If so, when does the clock reset? If the clock resets each morning, theoretically that should mean he still has some capacity in the morning to deal with the normal stresses of married life, but that doesn't end up being true. I am always the leftover. I am always the thing he can't handle. What gives?

I'm a sufferer and can only speak from that perspective. When I'm triaging my stress/life/etc - I tend to leave the people I trust the most to be patient with me as they become the last things for me to deal with. And it's so backwards, because the things I care about most should go first. But I am pretty confident they won't blow up in my face, so I let them wait and hope I can get to them soon.

Not an excuse - just, perspective.

Check these out. I think they apply for you!

 

[anthony]

When you are on/off again, does your s/o push you away and isolate himself by telling you things along the lines of: he doesn't love you, or doesn't see a future with you?

Yes, this is PTSD.

 

[Endure]

I'm 17 days into no contact from my love. I'm not sure if it's over or not. Normally one would say yes if this was an average relationship, but we all know these aren't average.
I get what you are saying about not listening to other people's opinions who don't understand PTSD. My guy friends tell me he was a player and used me and will never come back. Instead I try to listen to my own therapist who assures me he is showing classic PTSD symptoms and there was nothing I did wrong, and that I've done all I can do to let him know I'm still here. I just need to decide if he comes back if I'm willing to stay with someone who may never be able to have a healthy relationship.
One think I struggle with is going out with other men during these times. When I don't know if he's coming back, I have to move on with my life. I think about him constantly when I'm dating others and I feel like I'm cheating! I feel guilty because I know how important it is to him that I never give up on him, and I don't want him to think I've moved on to someone else when he is the one I want to be with.
What do you all do when you are in this limbo state? Do you move on with your life and date others, or wait for someone who may never return?