Boundries, Am I Thinking Right?

[lostforgottensoul]

I have no idea what section this belongs in, I am so f*cking angry, upset, triggered, in disbelief. And all that.

So in case new folks dont know, my dad & step mom live with me. I work, they dont. They pay me $400 a month and I pay the remainder of the bills. Both mine and my dad's name is on the lease but ive been here the whole time, they havent, I pay all of the bills, they pay a tiny amount in comparison and food.

I have a home phone, for them. I never answer it. I have my cell. But, I pay for it, and I want boundries respected.

My mom, my main abuser died yesterday morning. So im expecting that I might be blowing this all out of portions, which is why im posting about it. But this just seems wrong to me.

The phone rings. I cant see whom it is as im using the blueray for Netflix. My dad walks over to my step mom (whom has NEVER met this person) and hands the phone over and says "[person's name] wants to talk to you about insurence". My step mom doesnt have insurence. This person was found by my dad with the help of my half sister (same dad different mom), i refused my help to find her, and now apparently has the home number. She is the mother of the then 14 yr old boy that raped me when I was 7! Then covered it up!

I asked my dad why she had our number. My sister gave it to her (everyone forgets thats not just their number, i live here too and though i dont answer it, it rings inside of my house and then i get to over hear a convo thats so pissing me off right now).

Anyway, I told my dad that i dont want her calling here. Thats the mother of one of my abusers. He said "now i cant have old friends call me here?"

I sat there in complete disbelief, after I had said a few things about boundries, i dropped hit play on Netflix dropped the remote, turned away and said "sure, have anyone you want call".

Am I blowing this further than it needs to be? There is abosultley no way out, without my eventually drowning, right now where I can kick them out. I cant even figure out how to be ok with a stranger as a roommate right now and alone I will drown.

Please, someone tell me that Im all f*cked in the head about my mom. Please tell me that he didnt just trample all over me, again.

He just trampled on me about not going to see my mom. Did he just again or am I tripping? I want to be tripping!

Thoughts?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Damn, at least the mother of my abuser respects boundries. She said sorry she called the home phone. And i didnt even say anything or explode. She knows i hate her.

My step mom got it.

Everyone gets it but my dad!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Sorry, wrote this a bit premature, I didnt have a chance to flip out on my step mom whom seemed to totally get it. It was about the mother of my abuser having insurence and telling my step mom how to get it. Both agreed to keep it pure cell phone contact to here.

Everyone still gets it but my dad. I told my step mom that i should just lay down to make it easier for my dad to roll over me.

He is just so f*cking clueless. So insanely clueless!

Denying it doesnt make it any less true!

 

[FauxLiz]

@lostforgottensoul I am sorry you are going through all of this. I can't really relate to everything you are going through I want you to know I don't think you are freaking out that boundaries are important and your dad should understand why this would and does bother you.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Thanks @FauxLiz, Im glad you dont know what im going through, and thanks!

It so sucks. Its the most lonely feeling. I already know where he stands about my mom, he already told me everything he thinks about that. This just is like taking a handful of salt mixed with rubbing alcohol and rubbing it into my wounds...and laughing when I scream in pain.

 

[Stickler]

:hug::hug::hug:
He's being an ass.

 

[Friday]

Your thinking on this is fine. It's totally rational. Your dad is out of line. He has been, for awhile.

Have boundaries doesn't mean people don't smack into them (on accident, or on purpose), push your boundaries (ditto), or that having your boundaries challenged -or standing up for them- will feel good. In fact, it usually sucks. That's also very normal. You're not "doing it wrong", because either is happening.

It's your home. "I don't want my abusers OR their friends and family in my home, at my home, or calling my home." is also a totally rational boundary to have.

Natural consequences for being ignored on that, by the way =

Calling? Cancel the phone service. Respect it or lose it.
Being brought over? Kicking out the people who have invited them over. Ditto.

 

[GrayOwl]

Sorry your space is being invaded. It hurts. That's all that matters at times of crisis. It's hard to forgive or see the big picture, and the big picture isn't the only thing that's really important right now.
We all need safe havens, a few square feet where no-one can f#@*k with us. I don't have much of that right now. Sounds like yours got invaded.
So all I can do is send a :hug:. I understand.
Boundaries are important.
Lots of events and triggering emotions all going on there right now it sounds......I hope some positive things come your way to help.
:hug:

 

[sedna]

Wow LFG, I totally see the major frustration anybody would feel in your situation. I dont think you're over reacting because your mom passed away yesterday.
Something I've noticed recently in my own life, is that the family members I had that minimize or completely ignore the abuse in my history are pathological. It is another form of abuse to trivialize or minimize the abuse itself or what you would feel about it years afterwards. He was married to someone that brought a kid into his house that raped you, when you were only 7!

That does fall into the category of gaslighting. It's cruel and reinforces the feeling that your worthless or at least not worth defending and treating with respect. Its interesting that you're in a caretaker position with them as the one who pays the majority of expenses. It would be really easy to just say you should get them out and find a roommate that doesn't make you uncomfortable, but in reality I understand that the complex family drama that would involve might be way too big of a thing to tackle right now.

I do think you should start slowly getting yourself used to the idea and feel about potential possibilities for roommates eventually, or moving to a smaller single person space when you're lease is up. Sometimes having a plan, even if you never use it, takes the pressure off. Its easier to feel stable when you dont think you're trapped.

I'm sorry about your mom, I saw your post yesterday and couldnt offer any support because it brought up major stuff about my own mom. She's sort of half dead and could die any time, and I really dont care. I dont hate her, but I cant grieve for someone that has caused that much pain without a second thought. She's mentally ill but I cant excuse her behavior because of it. I think I feel the kind of numbness you said you felt also.

 

[Mytime]

I think you have very right to be upset.
If she needs to speak to your step mom
I don't think it's unreasonable, that she calls her on her cell and not the home phone. As for your dad, the only thing I can think of is denial, denial, denial :(
Sending hugs if you expect.

 

[anthony]

There is a problem in all this. It is also their home, as you have them living there and they pay rent. You then supply a phone for their use, yet want to control who rings it?

Yes, I do agree that boundaries have been crossed IF they are aware who abused you, and they have that person ringing your home. No doubt about it.

The flip side, you are also enabling this by providing a phone instead of making them get their own phone. You can't supply a phone and then control who rings it... that is an issue. Honestly, they could invite the person around to your home, because you have them there, making it their home too, as they're paying rent to you. Regardless the amount, rent is being paid.

So boundaries are being crossed IF they are aware of who it is, AND, you are enabling some of this by your own actions.

 

[NatBird]

I have no idea what section this belongs in, I am so f*cking angry, upset, triggered, in disb...

@lostforgottensoul i'm so sorry you are going through this. It is full on.

You aren't tripping. It is insensitive and extremely disrespectful, to say the least.

I encourage you be kind in thought and deed to yourself. Really try to look after yourself as best as you can at this time.

Sending a hug if welcome.