Too Much Remembering

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Since it's only been 3 years since I've started to remember past traumas and learn that I have DID, I don't have a good handle on thinking about whether a place is going to trigger a flashback. Apparently where I went to day- to a beach- has memories attached and a younger part or parts went into flashbacks. I don't even think about that as being a possibility because I don't remember my childhood the same way. I remember this beach being a fun place and never gave it a second thought. I was eager to show it to my children. Instead, I had to save my son from drowning and deal with little ones in flashbacks. I am feeling quite dissociative tonight and just wishing that I would stop finding places that trigger the younger ones. I hate the feeling that comes with it, too, of wondering if my whole childhood that I remember is just a lie. It's too confusing, hence my strong desire to just let dissociation take over and to not deal with any of this.

 

[KeepingTime]

So frustrating. I'm sorry. It's like trying to find your way through a field of land mines. I found myself saying last week I just want ONE aspect of my life not to be ruined by my past.

Hope your son is ok. I know that had to be so scary!

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Thanks, @KeepingTime , it was scary especially since he was happily playing with other kids one moment and then struggling to keep his head up above water. This is his first year being comfortable with the water, but even though at first he said he never wanted to go in the water again, he was talking about the next time we go to the beach. We did a lot of processing together afterwards, but I still feel horrible.

I found myself saying last week I just want ONE aspect of my life not to be ruined by my past.

I totally get this! That's what I feel like.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Hi JEK. Was your flashbacks triggered at the moment you realized your son was near drowning? That would make sense because when our children have traumatic events, it's highly likely to trigger old emotions. Maybe just the visceral equivelant but different circumstances. Ugh, they are exhausting. Watching your son struggle is terrifying for sure. He shook it off, though, so you handled it well, helping him process what happened. You have to soothe your parts, too. They need comfort too. I agree that it never seems to be any part of us that we're free of trauma. I'm sorry it didn't turn out to be a pleasant day for you. Hopefully you can get rest tomorrow.

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I dont have DID so I cant identify with that but my mom whom was one of my two main abusers, died on the 23rd and since these almost mini flashs that only last a second or so, have been happening, at times back to back. They are of much younger years than I remember in general and make me loose balance on my feet. My entire emotional state changes to a very young child for a while after they stop.

Not sure if this is anything like what you are experiencing but if so, i totally get it! They are exhausting!

:hug:s

ETA: Dont beat yourself up over finding places that trigger the younger parts. You wouldnt of known unless your younger part told you. Be gentle with yourself!

 

[UnKnown-Self]

Perhaps it is not only the place but that you are doing it with your children, triggering flashbacks. Maybe you can tell your anxious children selves the beach doesn't have to be a dangerous place and focus on that moment of time called NOW.
Enjoy your children and join in their fun. Show your child part that it's okay now. The past is not NOW. Send your child parts that feeling of joy you have in the time with your children. Make the moments and they will grow pushing out by out numbering the bad memories but you have to make a concious effort to send those feelings to your inner children. I don't think the inner children are capable of making that connection on their own.

Bad things happening do not mean no good things happened. That you remember good things will be a strength later. Right now you are coming to grips with some bad times and self belief and self acknowledgement are key. They may not dissipate the bad feelings altogether but it helps with understanding and self compassion and that practiced enough will help ease the pain and make it more bearable. It's learning healthy coping skills.

You can't change your past. Oh, how I wish that was possible. In the meantime I work on healing, coping and growing management skills. That requires dedication to getting back up. You might get knocked down again to get back up. If we work at it we'll see the blows coming and get out of the way. If the blows come repeatedly from a same source, you cut off that source.

You will find what works for you :-)

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Enjoy your children and join in their fun. Show your child part that it's okay now. The past is not NOW. Send your child parts that feeling of joy you have in the time with your children. Make the moments and they will grow pushing out by out numbering the bad memories but you have to make a concious effort to send those feelings to your inner children. I don't think the inner children are capable of making that connection on their own.

This we did when we went camping to the same place I have been going since I was 2. There was inner turmoil beforehand, but the park was seen as fun and lots of time spent in the water and teaching my kids how to bike ride and roasting marshmallows. Yesterday took me off guard. And my kids were playing with other kids so I hadn't gotten fully in yet.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

My entire emotional state changes to a very young child for a while after they stop.

Not sure if this is anything like what you are experiencing but if so, i totally get it! They are exhausting!

I can't explain or tell if our experiences are similar, but I can agree that it's exhausting!

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Was your flashbacks triggered at the moment you realized your son was near drowning? That would make sense because when our children have traumatic events, it's highly likely to trigger old emotions.

I don't know. It's a question that I will ask inside as some point as I need to understand if it was the beach or the situation so I can help the younger parts more in the future. I am pretty sure it was the beach and perhaps the unsafe situation further made it seem like the past even if it wasn't the same. Thanks for putting that question out there.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Just thought I would tag this onto this thread because I need to get it out. My father-in-law is here. He triggers younger parts because his general personality reminds them of an abuser. He is not an abuser. It took me a while to figure out why I was so uncomfortable with him around. I knew he was coming today (which I like him coming here better than going to his house), but after all that happened yesterday, I can't calm inside down and am trying desperately to settle parts down and remind them of who he is, what year it is, where we are, etc. It is so tough since I am still pretty spacey and tired from yesterday.

 

[KwanYingirl]

It's going to take a few days to settle down. That's just MHO. Then I wake up and don't feel like I've been beaten by a bag of oranges. Then I'm prepared to do some investigating, but seriously, I can't stay grounded for sometimes a week after an exposure. If Ivan afford it, I get a reiki treatment. It helps a lot. I've never been able to get the worms out of my system on my own. Too dissociative. Good luck with your visit.