Health Issue Fear And Haunted? By Past

[Whirlwind]

Hello, I'm in the midst of some health issues and very very frustrated....

I like to believe we are in control of our lives and yet the events in my life seemingly bring me "back" to the beginning. I don't like that feeling/belief but damn, I really fear anymore I will never be free of the damage ....

I have fought hard to stabilize myself, last 9 yrs have been brutal. I really felt the last 2 yrs or so I was getting myself back again, I felt glimpses of my "old" self and did some really good work. I had some really ...happy plans....and now health issues :( 2 "appeared" within one week and are utterly unrelated.

And this month another health issue, unrelated of course, totally unexpected. Sweet, just keeps getting better.

fyi I am not dying, but I have been physically healthy my whole life and taken care of my health and it feels like it was all pointless. I have desperately been trying to move from my home town, FINALLY leaving this fall but nope, now due to my health issues I am trapped. It feels like just that, I get ready to leave after half a century and surprise!!! Not going anywhere. It makes me sick to my stomach and I can hardly think about it, I get this sense of trapped and then I feel panicky.

So I am looking at surgery for health issue #2, and I have this awful feeling of dread...I am trying to figure it out and ... simply put, I have a neck issue, docs keep asking if I ever had an accident in my youth - Nope, not one, no car accident etc.

Except my &$%& FOO. I need another word for them, parents, father or mother doesn't even remotely apply.

So the only "accident(S)" aka more head blows than I can count is from them/mostly him and now I have lost and may permanently loose my ability to do the activities that bring me joy, these are things I felt were taken from me (by them) in my youth but I "took" them back late in life. Its like that son of a %*# still reaches from the grave to f@ me up.

I keep trying to convince myself this is not necessarily the cause but my gut doesn't buy it. Not that any of it matters now but I'm still angry, I want to deal with this and I need to be strong but this correlation ..... well dang it its casting a shadow on my surgery and it scares me, like they are still going to "get me", they are dead but their reach continues somehow. My life stabilizes and like the emergence of my memories, my world goes upside down. I know life isn't fair but I didn't "do" this to myself, I feel I've paid a huge penance already ....when does it end? And my chance to move this fall just slipped through my fingers...

I don't want these dark "beliefs" to persist but I can't shake them right now. I need to free myself of this fear and associations somehow, if my surgery doesn't go well I'm not going to do well if I think the ultimate cause was them. I am slowly proceeding with surgery (I have some time) but while I am going through the motions I am dissociated half the time, its a blur and I need to be "present" and not go through this half baked so to speak.

Thank you for listening to my rant, I am grateful I can just say this stuff out-loud here. Thanks.

Best, Whirlwind

 

[Silver.]

:hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi @Whirlwind . I understand the moment of realization & heartbreak of long term physical damage.

However, despite what seems impossible, you may reach your goal. It's hard to not think all-or-nothing.

:hug:

 

[GWhizz]

So sorry to hear about your health issues. That's a lot for anyone to take in, nevermind having them related to traumatic origins.

I relate to the feeling that you have already done your penance. When I think of PTSD I think of trauma round 2, only this time I get a shot at fighting back. But then when it affects your health it's like a third blow and the 'when does it ever end?' mindset takes over.

I have had to have several surgeries to deal with ongoing medical issues related to my trauma. It's still ongoing and so I'm trying to get the courage to talk to my T about it (it's very intimate in nature and I'm crap at that talk).

Is this something you feel you could bring to therapy to be better supported through? As a nurse myself, I feel that it could be very important to your treatment that you try to disclose the fact that you did incur relevant trauma to that area, even if you don't give details. If you literally said 'it's too sensitive a topic to talk about' they would leave it at that and stick to specific injury facts I would hope.

Anyway, wishing you all the best and speedy recoveries. Oh, and I'm also really sorry your move has been put out. I really do hope you find a way to move forward that's best for you overall.

Feel free to pm me about the surgery etc if you like.

 

[Bloomy]

Angry on your behalf. No you didnt deserve this. Can understand the part of reaching from the grave.

I sincerely hope it will work out and like June says here - it might not be the end, but a temporaily pitfall. I hope so.

Blessings and warm thoughts <3

 

[Whirlwind]

But then when it affects your health it's like a third blow and the 'when does it ever end?' mindset takes over.

Yes, that is it. Very frustrating. I will PM you, thank you!

Angry on your behalf. No you didnt deserve this. Can understand the part of reaching from the grave.

Bloomy, THANK YOU. Wow, being angry "for me" is very touching. thank you.

It's hard to not think all-or-nothing

I do this and I try not to, I've had to "survive" for so many years in my life, struggle, tolerate......Its exhausting, I'm just tired of the seemingly never ending nature of all of this. Then I feel guilty because some person out there has had it tougher than me.

I'm just sick and tired of my own saga.

Thanks for talking with me, Whirlwind

 

[Bloomy]

Ive been through shit myself and no one should have to have other people do such evil things to one self that we must strive like we do to get life back again. So Im angry on your behalf cause now you have to go through this instead of having the life you deserve. Hope you blossom & heal.