I Need Other Perspectives, Please

[watundah]

Not easy, I'm sure, but whether or not he's actually done the deed of cheating, being on a dating site while married and living with you is unacceptable. Cheating is his intent, he's not out to make "friends". He's either in a relationship with you. Or he's not.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Wether he cheated physically or not really isn't the issue. He cheated emotionally, got on a dating site, met the woman, emailed back and forth and all while being married.

If he couldn't handle being alone, then he isn't with you for the right reason. It sounds like he's afraid to be alone, so he's staying with you until something better comes along?!?!?!?!?

I guess then, the issue might not be your husband, but rather you! I would be asking yourself WHY do I stay with him.

 

[ladee]

You have asked for help and are getting very caring and blunt answers. I was in the same situation. And I did leave and divorce him. Eventually. In my heart of hearts I knew nothing was going to change.
But what I started doing was making plans and getting myself ready. I would know when I was ready and no one else held that timetable but me.
What I am trying to say is, I stopped focusing on what he was or wasn t doing, the drama and dysfunction of it all and started making choices that would get me closer to walking out the door.
I had to own that I was scared, unsure of myself. But also chose to not let that stop me.
The breakdown of a marriage is a process. So is the leaving. No easy way out, just thru. Nothing easy about it but for the first time in my life I picked ME.
Really had few CLUES as to who ME wash but knew I was not going to get healthy where I was.
You already know what to do. So possibly you can start planning to make that happen. First order may be getting out of denial that he is a nice guy
Anthony shared from a mans perspective. Really nice guys stick by their mate no matter what. Your hubby is not a nice guy.
So know you have support on this part of your journey. But also know we won't help you rationalize staying or letting him stay.
It hurts and it's scary. It's called life. For me , without trust, everything else was a lie.
Supporting you.

 

[Thizette]

I think you can forgive a lot of things, but not trying to understand your symptoms isn't one of them. I think you should work on your explosive temper, and as he sees you making progress there, ask him to work on not lying. The thing is, both of you are feeding each other's inappropriate behaviors instead of helping each other do better. So, both of you need to commit to communicating your own needs (calmly and rationally) and listening to and taking into consideration the needs of the other (calmly and rationally).

Easier said than done, I know. I'm twice divorced, I filed both times.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

This is an email that my husband sent to his parents and siblings about a week after everything blew up :


"We're talking about things now. Given my actions, I think we will not get through this. I have learned a lot about myself lately, though, most of it bad.

I just wanted to be clear about the role each of us has played in the things that have happened, in the road that brought us here. Especially the role I played. Over the years I have put more weight on what xxxxx was 'doing' to me than what I was doing to her. I underestimated the impact of my actions, and then couldn't, or wouldn't, empathize with her when she tried to explain it to me. I just dwelled on the effect of her actions on me.

While we have hurt each other over the years, I wasn't clear with you on the role I played. Xxxxx and I would most often have issues over me lying to her, and then her having a reaction that I felt was out of proportion to what I had done. Then i would lie some more to justify the first lie, fight to insist that I had told the truth. Only when presented with incontrovertible turth would I relent and admit the lie. In retrospect, what happened is that I would trigger her PTSD, and she would react very strongly. It's the way PTSD works. 0-60 in no time flat. I lacked empathy for her reactions, even after the fact. I get it now, but that's a recent thing.

Last year, after her heart procedure triggered her PTSD, she decided that she needed to do something about it. She started counseling, got professional help, and set out to make herself better. In the beginning, I supported her, but then, after awhile, I didn't.

After the first while, things began to deteriorate. The PTSD has a strong hold, and she began to exhibit more symptoms. At that point, I failed to provide the support she needed. I failed to find out what I should do, I failed to engage with her. I abandoned her and devalued her and her pain. I told myself that I could see no end, no way forward together.

In truth, I think that since I started counseling, I was thinking about leaving. I thought that 'getting out' would solve my problems, and I convinced myself that xxxxx probably felt the same way. It was yet another example of my selfishness, of putting myself first, and not showing xxxxx the respect and kindness she deserved, not just as my wife and partner, but as a person.

I rewrote the narrative to make myself the victim rather than an actor. To be sure, many of xxxxx's actions hurt me. But my actions hurt her, in ways that I didn't let myself understand. Her actions were, after all, reactions to mine.

In April, I decided it was time to leave. I told myself the story that xxxxx must know it was coming, that we had been effectively-separated since the past September, but, like so many other such stories, it was just a justification for my self-centered behaviour.

I went looking, and found a couple of potential homes. Though I had determined that I needed to leave, I had a potential house lined up, and had created a story for myself to justify the timing, I couldn't make myself do it. So I made another reason. I went online, to a dating site, and I met someone there. We exchanged emails, then met met for lunch. We got along well. The next week is when I told xxxxx that I was leaving. In my mind, I had found a replacement for someone who is irreplaceable.

I created a story for myself that xxxxx felt the same way, that she knew that I wanted to leave, and that it wouldn't really be a surprise. It was more than a surprise, it was a shock. While I had been sitting downstairs, nursing a sense of hurt and entitlement, planning to leave, she had been fighting for her soul, with the belief that I was waiting for her, that I would be with her, and on side, that we would have the future together. She was devastated by my actions. I utterly blind-sided her. Then she found out about the replacement woman, and she was devastated again even worse than at first. The lies I told to justify or defend my actions just made it worse, of course.

Since then we have been talking trying to come to terms with what had happened, what I had done. About whether we could make it work desptie everything. But I kept telling my lies, I kept hurting her. I would tell her that I would do anything to be with her, then turn around and lie to her again. Hurt her again.

Her compassion shines through, even when dealing with me, someone who has hurt her as badly as I have. While we talked, I found the love that I felt for her again, and she started to find hers for me as well. But I kept hurting her. I would tell partial truths, omissions, use vague language, or outright lie.

I had to take a very close look at myself. I found someone who is emotionally-lazy, and puts himself and his comfort above everyone else. Despite knowing, exactly, what xxxxx needed from me, I still didn't do it. She was very clear, and very, very reasonable: stop hurting her. Stop lying, stop telling these stories and lies that paint me the victim or the hero. And I, selfish, childish,didn't do it. Wouldn't. Even when it was all on the line, and I knew it.

While xxxxx and I are very likely done, know that it was entirely my responsibility, my fault. Xxxxx respects you all deeply, and this is important for you to know: this isn't on her. It's on me. Everything that's happened in the past year, that led us to this place, is on me, my selfishness, my disregard for her and her feelings. If we split now, it's not because of anything she did, or failed to do it. It's because of me, my failure.

I love you all very much. Please know that my failure, that my being such an asshole, is not reflection on my family, on any of you. These are my failings. I own them, and I will fix them.

Colin."

 

[Deleted member 33052]

There's still lots more to this, but I do have to say the *cheating* incident isn't the deal breaker for me. After I had time to get past my feelings of anger and betrayal, I began to understand what drove him to do this, and I felt nothing but sadness and compassion for him. I don't know why I felt this way. A year ago, I might have gone after him with a machete. Parts of me still wanted to, but other parts of me demanded that I think about the last 18 years from his perspective... After that, I was sad for both us. :(

 

[void]

@Mal Content

Have you faced the full truth of why you stay?

 

[Deleted member 33052]

@Mal Content

Have you faced the full truth of why you stay?

Void, I don't know what the full truth us. I'm hoping that once I've gotten the story out, the truth will somehow reveal itself. This is why I'm hoping for insights from anyone who's willing to share.

Or did I misunderstand your question? Are you asking if I'm withholding the truth from myself?

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Hmm.... Not sure what happened there...

 

[ladee]

Maybe a "sign"? Might want to read them again
A personal question. Of course don't answer if you don't want to. But I can't recall in any of your posts you saying you loved him. You may have and I missed it , so, do you Love him?
And.... has he stopped lying? Is he still in therapy? And have you seen any significant changes that you trust are real. Ok, so a bunch of questions.

 

[joeylittle]

Not sure what happened there...

It was a duplicate post. Fixed it. :)

I can't speak for @void - but when I read 'the full truth of why you are staying' (paraphrased), I think about examining all the honest reasons, good and bad, why it's worth it to you to engage in any of the stress of reconciling and rebuilding.

When I was leaving my ex, which was a process for me, I realized that one of the reasons I was staying was that I simply couldn't imagine a life without him in it. We were coming up on 10 years at that point. But, then, when I looked at that reason some more, I understood that - for me - that was the equivalent of sitting in a dark room long after the sun has gone down because I don't have the energy to get up and turn on a lamp. And that an inability to conceive of something wasn't a good enough reason to accept an unfulfilling relationship.

So, I did get past that one. And I think, in long-term relationships especially, there is usually an element of 'I've invested this much in this, we have this much shared history, I can see how things wen't wrong, and shouldn't I keep my head in the game here and look at how to make it better"? But making it better takes time, and energy, and a real commitment to change, on both sides. And if that is time and energy that you don't have, or don't want to spend on that relationship - then you don't need to spend it, no matter what the complexities of leaving are.

 

[Thizette]

There's still lots more to this, but I do have to say the *cheating* incident isn't the deal breake...

I might be the only one here, but I think it's big of you and quite introspective to to decide that the cheating incident isn't a deal breaker. I don't judge people who think that cheating is a deal breaker, but I think that it's important to realize that cheating is more than what we often hype it up to be. It's the result of complicated human emotions and desperately confusing situations. I'm proud of you for taking a step back to look at the whole picture.

That being said, I also think @ladee's questions are important to consider. Have you seen meaningful change that you can trust??? I hope the two of you find peace; whether together or apart.