General Difficult Day Today

[Bowiejcecc]

My daughter has had a really bad day and I just needed to express my feelings. I find the extreme anger really hard to deal with sometimes, especially when it has come from nowhere and we can't think of the triggers. Sometimes the being screamed at is difficult to listen to, along with being called hurtful names. I know it is the PTSD and not her, but that does not make it any easier.
It has then been followed with a load of texts saying how I don't care about her (that is probably the most hurtful thing she says), and how no one listens to her. What ever I do to sort it is wrong - if I go to her I am crowding her and invading her space; if I stay away it is because I don't want to sort things.
She wants an apology, I have no idea what for and when I ask her it triggers another angry episode because I don't know. Then when I apologise it isn't right.

Anyone any suggestions as to how I can help her at these times, or any suggestions how you manage to not let things get to you?

Thanks for letting me off-load.

 

[Snowflake]

How old is she?

 

[Knak]

My daughter has had a really bad day and I just needed to express my feelings. I find the extreme an...

I don't have children but do know that teenagers or preteens have to separate from their parents in order to become adults and that is how they do it.

It seems like you should be able to use discipline. Respect for parents starts early however. It is a mistake to let your children do what they want without supervision.

Not spending individual time with a child as they grow can create an attachment disorder. There are other things that can affect relationships.

Was the PTSD from an incident? If so have you tried EMDR? It helped me a lot but I have CPTSD so I still have problems.

Does any of this hit home?

 

[Knak]

I should also say that understanding more of what is going on that is not apparent can help you from being affected emotionally.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Lashing out behaviors... A lot of supporters know it very well.

Yes, it's a stress reaction. It's not your fault though, and you don't deserve to be lashed out at. What does or does not trigger or stress her is hers to own. You cannot avoid stressing her. You also cannot trigger her unless you are purposely reminding her of her trauma. SHE is triggered by her own thoughts, not by anything you innocently do or say. This explains the difference between a stressor and a trigger. Stressor vs. Trigger - What Is A Trigger?

Once I figured this out and came to peace with it I felt a lot better. There is a lot of guilt if you're being told you're triggering somebody or making them sick... In reality it's all them and lashing out at somebody else is not fair.

You are aloud to have boundaries. She isn't a glass doll because she has PTSD, and she doesn't have a free license to hurt you either. you can always say "I love you, but I will not tolerate being yelled at/cursed at/called names, etc" then removing yourself from the situation until she settles down. I do that with my vet. He lashes out too, and engaging in it, trying to reason with him, crying because I'm hurt, nor even apologizing helps. It just escalates. Refusing to engage seems to be the best solution for us.

 

[Bowiejcecc]

How old is she?

15.

 

[Bowiejcecc]

Y

I don't have children but do know that teenagers or preteens have to separate from their parents in order t...

Yes, it was from a prolonged incident outside the family home. She has been under CAMHS for 18 months doing CBT, and has just started EMDR. Trouble is, she refuses to attend appointments and they won't do home visits.

When she is in a good place she is great. It just got to me today as we have had a few bad days in a row.
Before the incident, we had no issues between us, and even now when she is in a good place she feels bad for how she has been.

 

[Bowiejcecc]

I should also say that understanding more of what is going on that is not apparent can help you from being...

We've lived it so long we understand her behaviours (though still not always the triggers), but it is really hard to not let it affect you at times, no matter how strong you are.

 

[Snowflake]

15.

Okay-well my daughter is now 22 but the last 10 years have been really really difficult for me.

Teenagers, especially girls, are testy...trying to become independent yet still needing their mother. My daughter was and at times still is unreal. I have been so depressed with her attitude and tone. Her words, accusations, was horrible. I don't know how I survived. We are very close and I think I was the person she released her frustrations too.

Again she's 22-and it's just getting better.

 

[Bowiejcecc]

Lashing out behaviors... A lot of supporters know it very well.

Yes, it's a stress reaction. It's...

Thank you Sweetpea. Your post has really helped. As parents we are told that we should be able to identify the triggers and avoid them, which is impossible. For instance I was humming once, and that triggered an almighty meltdown, as I didn't know that song caused a memory of the trauma. Guilt is such a strong emotion - you feel it naturally with not being able to protect it in the first place, so feeling we are responsible for triggers just enhances that feeling.
I do tell her she can't speak to me like that, but I do also engage in trying to sort it. If I don't, she says I don't care about her. But your post has made me reflect about saying I do love you and care but etc etc. You are quite right - she isn't a glass doll and maybe we have made her into that in our minds as we are scared of hurting her more than she has already been hurt.

A lot for me to think about. Thank you.

 

[Bowiejcecc]

Okay-well my daughter is now 22 but the last 10 years have been really really difficult for me.

Tee...

So sorry to hear this Snowflake. One question we wonder is how much is the PTSD and how much is teenage angst - we can't get an answer from the 'experts' about it.
All I can say is well done for being there for her - there are times I feel like walking away (I never would), because of what she says. When she is having a good day she is so loving, and is aware of how her words affect me as she will say things like 'I lash out at you as I know it is safe to do it', and 'I know you will be there for me no matter how awful I am'. She is right, but it doesn't make it easier.

I hope your daughter continues to get stronger X

 

[Snowflake]

So sorry to hear this Snowflake. One question we wonder is how much is the PTSD and how much is teen...

My daughter always said I wasn't listening to her-I thought I was but I think I zoned out sometimes which made her angry. I think it's somewhat me-with PTSD and then it's her going through her teenage, hormonal years.