Can You Forgive Someone For Not Giving You Enough Space?

[Deleted member 33287]

I am a supporter who for the most part has been pushed away and told to drop dead. My friend got PTSD from being raped which she told me. I am feeling guilty 1. because I didn't start seeing therapy till it was to late and that I was insensitive to her feelings not intentionally though. I wasn't aware of her feelings because I neglected taking care of myself, lack of maturity and being fearful of someone who made me happy was never coming back.

My biggest regret is not knowing what space is at the time and not giving her the space she deserved. I know no one on this board is her but could you ever forgive someone for not giving you the space you deserved? I am not perfect and probably don't deserve her forgiveness but it took a long ass time to understand the importance of communication, boundaries and a support system.

Could you ever forgive someone for not giving you space?

 

[illusionist]

Yes, I have...but only when I haven't been vocal in what I needed. I have been in relationships where I have been vocal, and wasn't listened to repetitively.....that's when I had to end things.. it was never a case of not forgiving them, but rather a case of things can't work if my space can't be respected. They just had different needs, which I couldn't fulfil.

 

[scout86]

I guess that depends. If someone was so pushy that I felt the need to tell them to get out of my life (for example) it would mean I saw them as sort of dangerous because they had so severely disrespected my boundaries. I might forgive them. I might realize that the problem was due to ignorance. But there wouldn't be any further conversation. Because I'd avoid them going forward at all costs. Once someone has shown me that they absolutely don't know the meaning of 'back off', I'm going to just assume they won't change and not give them another chance. It's too intensely hard to deal with. I've had too much experience with people who promise to change and don't. I have no desire to play that game. No up side to it from my point of view.

 

[Tibbles123]

Those are normal responses IME. It's very hard. I wish I had the answers for you, but I don't.

Is it possible she will forgive you? Yes. Will she for sure? No one knows. Only she does, but I doubt right now she even knows it. I know that's tough to hear. A lot of sufferers come back, a lot don't. My fiance/sufferer has several times and right now she's dead silent and won't respond to me whatsoever.

The only thing you can do is take care of yourself. Make sure you stick your boundaries and realize what you're ok with accepting. It's a very hard role to be a supporter. You have to become self sufficient. Realize you can't fix them you can only be there in the capacity they allow. It's hard to feel helpless and sort of give up control like that, but that's why there's a place like this too where people understand where you are coming from. I know my friends and family don't understand and just tell me walk away.

It's sounds as though you really care (bless you for that) and that's all you were trying to convey. Unfortunately, that can really freak out a sufferer. It brings in emotions they aren't always equipped to handle. So IMO you need to sit back and examine if you can be there and if if you can great. Stay patient, but also realize it's ok to walk away and have your own boundaries as to what is acceptable behavior. Its easy to make excuses because you care and you can see they're hurting, but unacceptable behavior from anyone is just that - unacceptable.

I know it's easier said than done (I've been there and I am currently there right now), but take care of you first and everything else will fall into place as it should be, I promise.

I hope it helps that there are others in the exact same situation as you.

 

[Thizette]

It depends on if I asked for space and how many times. For those of us with PTSD, we sometimes don't realize we need to ask for space. We feel smothered, but often don't feel safe standing up for our needs/feelings, and that's if we can identify them in the first place. I have to remind my partner sometimes that the reason I go away during argument isn't because I don't care about his feelings or the point he's trying to make, it's because I'm so overwhelmed with feelings that it's hard to identify which of my responses is authentic and appropriate and which is rooted in past experiences and PTSD. Sometimes when I try to take off for my needed space he gets upset and crowds me, but at the time he's hurt and confused and fixated on HIS feelings. I can understand that, because we all get stuck on our own feelings sometimes. He doesn't do it all the time and once we've both calmed down and talked about it he understands. If we're not arguing and I say I need to be alone for a bit, he will usually ask if we can watch tv together later, but he'll give me space for as long as I need. So there's a fair balance and it's pretty easy to forgive the times he crowds me.

This is all rooted in communication, though. There has to be a fair and honest communication of needs/feelings on both sides, and there has to be understanding, empathy, and a willingness to admit wrongdoing on both sides. Everyone needs to be able to acknowledge how they may have contributed to a situation.

 

[Tibbles123]

@Thizette

Do ever just shut down without saying anything? My girlfriend with PTSD won't respond or talk to me and it's been nearly a week. I've tried to be respectful and realize she likely needs space and not contact her whatsoever (once in the last 4 days). She's told me before she sometimes can't even ask for space she'll just take it. She's in school out state so we have a long distance relationship which is challenging within itself. Any advice as to what I should do?

 

[Thizette]

@Tibbles123
Wowza that's rough for you! I definitely sympathize with your girlfriend, though. Sometimes I will turn off my phone for a few days and detach from all social media sites because I need a break from people. I've always tried to let my mom know before I do that with a text that reads something like "Will be off-grid a few days. Let you know when I resurface." I live with my partner, so I don't think about sending him something like that (obviously). If he and I lived apart, I probably would send him a text like that, though.

She's said she can't ask for space sometimes, and that is understandable, and you have a tricky path to tread because you want t respect her boundaries. Trouble is, you're not sure what those boundaries are at this moment, right? I will give you this advice, because I think it is something that would not upset me too much if I was her: send her an email and tell her that you want to continue to give her whatever space she needs, and ask her to just let you know she's ok and confirm that she still needs space. Ask for just a sentence confirming those two things. Don't ask what she's been doing or to explain how she's feeling. Tell her you look forward to seeing/talking to her again when she's ready. Send only one email. She might not respond, but I hope she does. It is possible that she's passively breaking up with you by ignoring your existence--I hope not, but it's possible. People with PTSD aren't good with confrontation.

So, I'd send an email and then wait another week and then send another. If the second doesn't get a response, I'd move on.

And I want to reiterate this is only advice based on my experiences and feelings.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think you're dwelling too much on the honeymoon period given that you only knew her briefly. I think that you're overthinking all of this. I think that it would be best to accept the reality of the situation because looking back and trying to figure out exactly what went wrong isn't going to change anything. I think you're blaming everything on her PTSD or her telling you she was raped. Most relationships don't last so it's entirely possible that you two just weren't meant to be. I see you dwelling on the PTSD aspects but I'm pretty certain this isn't the whole story.

 

[Deleted member 33287]

I think you're dwelling too much on the honeymoon period given that you only knew her briefly. I...

I'm not dwelling on it I mention that in every post as a point of reference. I have moved on to dwelling about not knowing what space means and the space she didn't get eventually made things worse

 

[illusionist]

Take with you, what you have learned, onto the next relationship. Needing their own space is common for a lot of people, even in the wider population. I have a friend who is on the verge of splitting with her partner as he is not allowing her space which is coming across to her as needy...she has no mental health issues.

You say you don't know what space means?.....maybe that's something you can look into learning and understanding, as it is crucial in any healthy relationship.

 

[Deleted member 33287]

Take with you, what you have learned, onto the next relationship. Needing their own space is common...

I didn't ( past tense). I thought it meant no texting or contacting but learning it means to be in hibernation like a bear

 

[Deleted member 33287]

Those are normal responses IME. It's very hard. I wish I had the answers for you, but I don't.

Is...

Finally been taking care of myself. If may ask what gave your girl PTSD