Can You Forgive Someone For Not Giving You Enough Space?

[Justmehere]

Letting go doesn't mean forgetting about her. It means valuing the experience and relationship, learning from it, and taking those lessons about what you value about her and what didn't work out well forward into new relationships to grow even more.

 

[Friday]

Could you ever forgive someone for not giving you space?

Forgive? Yes. But that doesn't mean I want them back in my life. Nor do I forgive everyone everything. Just because I can forgive someone, does not mean I'm obligated to.

Should of used let back into life instead of forgive.

Only in abusive relationships.

Talked with my therapist and my therapist is under the impression that she's looking for attention

That's a strange conclusion to take from go away & drop dead.

Seems like what she's looking for is the opposite of attention. Namely, absence.

 

[Casey_03]

In my experience, there was never a question of "forgiving" someone who didn't respect my boundaries, because "forgiving" implies that there is still a relationship. But for me there never was. It's not like I got mad at the people who did this, I just cut them out of my life and didn't really give them a further thought. I wasn't angry at them; I just didn't want anything to do with them. i don't know the girl in this situation, but my guess would be (judging from what you've written here) that she's not giving the situation much thought at all, at least not nearly as much thought as you seem to be giving it. Unless she has given you some reason to think she wants to resume the relationship, I'd have to agree with others here and say it's probably time to move on. And as @EveHarrington mentioned, there's nothing to suggest that her decision to stop the relationship/friendship with you was a result of PTSD. From what you've described, it doesn't sound like she's isolating, it just sounds like she decided the two of you weren't a good fit.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

Wow...this is an intense thread. I'm a sufferer, not a supporter - maybe someday.

I'm just thinking that this is a painful situation for everyone involved. I can't put myself in your shoes, but I know you're hurting. I hope you both find closure whatever that looks like for both of you.

 

[Hojay]

Yeah, this thread hits a nerve. I'm a supporter - my boyfriend of over 1 year has PTSD from childhood sexual abuse along with panic attacks and flashbacks. Space has been a big issues. I have no problem giving him or anyone space if they need it. However, his panic attacks are triggered by (to me) sound and healthy things I do or say, and entail a level of rage and anger toward me I do not find acceptable. He then asks me to "let him calm down." This would entail: not showing my own anger at his behavior, not standing up for myself, not texting him, calling him, or otherwise engaging him until he sees fit. I have a hard time acting like I don't exist and/or have needs and boundaries, and then be blamed that I don't "let him calm down." I can see our relationship is going down the drain because he has become hardened in his stance that I don't "let him calm down," while I simply want to be treated with respect. What adds to this situation is that I feel he HIMSELF is not letting him calm down by continuing to engage and rage at my attempts to rectify the situation.

This thread breaks my heart because I do not want to hurt him, lose him, or lose his confidence by "not giving him space." But the parameters around this "space" are against so much what I believe in. We are drifting apart and I'm walking on eggshells, so torn....

 

[Justmehere]

Navigating taking space and holding boundaries and getting needs met in an on-going relationship is one thing and it is super painful when there are times of being cut off.

This thread and situation has been about a relationship that isn't an on-going one, was very short, and she ended it and was clear it was over. Still super painful.

In all dating relationships there always has to be the freedom for someone to be able to walk away. There are good ways to do that and horrible ways to do that (like telling someone to drop dead.)

In an on-going relationship - navigating times of needing space apart with a plan to reconnect by both sides is really important. Sometimes when someone is dealing with PTSD and fight or flight states, space from an issue is the only way to be able to later converse about it in a healthy way. Re-connection at some point is important and a plan can help reduce the other is feeling hurt or abandoned or unheard. There should be a time where the other side can talk about the issue in a productive manner. No one deserves to walk on eggshells. No one deserves to be denied space they need to manage symptoms and ground out of a fight or flight state.

But it's still a different situation than when someone has decided to end the relationship and the other struggles to respect that boundary.

There is one issue that fits for both kinds of situations: dating is a time to see if what both parties need and want in a relationship fit with each other. Sometimes one party wants to be closer than another. Sometimes one party wants to handle conflict one way and the other another way. Dating is a time to see if the two people can work together or if they just have different needs that don't mesh.

Sometimes is just not the right fit and that doesn't make either side good or bad.

 

[Deleted member 33287]

Her friend told me she needs space and wants a fresh start awhile back and to let it be.

The whole situation is beyond complicated and hard to put all details on here especially because people jump all over me which makes it hard to grieve.

Thanks to seeing therapy I am starting to get in touch with my feelings. She is a big sister and likes to be the leader of the pack. I am starting to understand what that truly means and how hard it is for her. But I also don't think it's smart to overwhelm herself and not lighten the load on herself.

Yes she's the one who has to live with PTSD and being raped. But I have feelings and they have been pooped on by everyone but her. The issues with space and boundaries are both of our fault not just mine.

Idk why but I have been journaling and really believe if we both take a hammer and slam some ice we break through this barrier of confusion and drama that should of never got to this point.

Idk how this one text changed everything between us so much. I've done my part to better myself and life. Today is her bday and miserable I can't wish her a happy bday. All I want ti give her is a friend that can help her through life.

 

[aut555]

Sorry to hear that. It's a tough day for you no doubt. I am sending you compassionate thoughts and don't dwell to long on this. Can you find something that can help move you past the funk? I jump into activities that help me out of uncertainty and loss of control over a particular situation.

 

[Deleted member 33287]

Sorry to hear that. It's a tough day for you no doubt. I am sending you compassionate thoughts and don't...

Yes I do activities but they get my mind off of it for the short term

 

[aut555]

Yes I do activities but they get my mind off of it for the short term

Eventually time will ease the pain. It's hard. You do meet people in life but for whatever reason, the timing is wrong. I have some of those especially when l was younger. Just really bad timing. It is soul crushing and you just want to hide forever and figure out what went wrong. Its ok, you will get better each passing day.

 

[Deleted member 33287]

Eventually time will ease the pain. It's hard. You do meet people in life but for whatever reason, the...

I'm ready to be a good friend but that isn't enough to get back in her life because I'm in no contact

 

[aut555]

I understand that. But you have to put yourself in her shoes. She says no contact. Just like you deciding you didn't want contact with somebody, not even friendship. I understand it's hard for you to get. But in this life, we have to respect people's choices. There can be very serious consequences if we don't respect and follow the rules of no contact. I understand everything in you wants to be with her. But everything in her wants you to stay away. So, you have to honor this and become a better person and realize this is a learning lesson for you to grow from. It's a tough lesson, it maybe the hardest thing you have ever done. But you must grow up from this and move on. Ok?