DID A struggle between personalities

[Morphius]

So, I've been with my current therapist for a few months now. Going to see her twice a week has to be the highlight of my entire existence right now, lol. It's my safe place. Plus, she's like a magician, haha. She reads me and seems to know me more than I know myself, most of the time. The only issue I'm facing now is the forcefulness of my personalities. This morning, I woke up completely naked on my restroom floor, bleeding... well, from my private area having a flashback of my abuser... laying me onto the bathroom floor and sticking this thin needle-like object into the hole of my private area. I should rephrase. This morning I woke up laying in a puddle of blood. I got up in pain, there, and I essentially forgot how to walk. (I should mention that my first time walking fully was at the age of 15). I haven't told my therapist yet, mainly because this is pretty vividly embedded into my brain and talking about something so private (the blood, the private area) would probably make me more vulnerable and scared than I'd like to appear in front of her. She's super kind, so it isn't like I'm scared of her response. Guess there really is no question here, other than that I want to tell her, but it's like an internal fight, resistance to tell her and feel safe. I'm honestly not sure what this all means. I believe I have a dissociative disorder. My last therapist diagnosed me with D.I.D a well as Borderline, I believe and PTSD. It's hard to tell which one is behind these blackouts and mood swings because now I get angrier more easily. The stranger part is, I don't think my other personality, whoever it is, likes my therapist at all. He had and has been trying to distance myself from her, also saying how he wished he could meet her.

 

[chant2012]

I am sorry that happened to you. I can not relate to the part of waking up bloody down there. But I can relate to waking up and being covered in bruises that I am unaware of getting. Wondering if they are self-inflicted for me.. I also have parts, don't know if they are full personalities, I don't think so, but they do influence me and make me up and change me. In fact the other day my boyfriend told me that he never knows who I will be for sure. I haven't received any diagnosis. Had an evaluation and assessment scheduled but couldn't go, was too scared. I can also relate to having lots of internal struggle and backlash. All the support to you. Feel free to PM if you would like to talk. Feel free to add as friend if you would like.

 

[Friday]

I haven't told my therapist yet, mainly because this is pretty vividly embedded into my brain and talking about something so private (the blood, the private area) would probably make me more vulnerable and scared than I'd like to appear in front of her.

You can flip this thought around, if it helps : In order to tell her something like this? It requires being the opposite of vulnerable and scared.

 

[shimmerz]

Sounds to me like because you are feeling safe in your therapist's presence, that other 'parts' of you are coming out. I don't know, but for myself, generally when these parts come out and reveal themselves it is because they are hoping to be finally heard. Is it possible that this dramatic appearance is a desire to be both seen and heard?

 

[Morphius]

Thank you all for your input! @shimmerz, interesting. IME (from what I noticed) your ideas on this made me remember that I think for me, it's quite the opposite. My alters (one of them is my abuser) knows how safe I feel in therapy and tries to do these things to keep me quiet so that I don't speak and feel safe in therapy. It's sort of like the alter's attempt at keeping me from feeling safe so it can take over. Just my two cents, I really don't know because I don't understand what it wants.

 

[Morphius]

You can flip this thought around, if it helps : In order to tell her something like this? It requires being the opposite of vulnerable and scared.

That's a positive spin on things! Quite difficult for me to think like that, but fair enough and thanks.

 

[Morphius]

I am sorry that happened to you. I can not relate to the part of waking up bloody down there. But I c...

Thank you for your kindness and for sharing your personal experience as well. Life sure can be difficult for a lot of us here. It's interesting, because what your boyfriend said to you is something I internalize with myself. It's hard, because I can't show a consistent personality to the world and it's hard not knowing who you are or are going to be. Whatever the diagnosis, I wish you luck when you do decide to go! I've been through the diagnosis process and honestly it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. She saw me for about two hours, asked me a bunch of questions about symptoms and diagnosed me quickly.

 

[Kailani]

It sounds like something came up that may have caused dissociation or triggered a personality. It would be interesting to try to find out what the trigger is if you can. I think it would be helpful for your therapist to know so they can help you. Regardless of the diagnosis, you deserve love, support, comfort and help. I hope you feel that. I would love to pm or hear more about your alter abuser because I also feel I have an internal abuser. I have found blurting really helpful haha!

 

[BlueOrange]

I really don't know because I don't understand what it wants.

It would seem useful to ask your parts what they want. Therapist can probably help you have that conversation.

 

[Morphius]

It would seem useful to ask your parts what they want. Therapist can probably help you have that con...

I've asked this part what they wanted before. There are two parts. My abuser (who I also hallucinate) and this other, darker version of myself. This second part says it wants nothing more than to gut me and see me suffer the way it did when "he tortured us both." This second part talks as if it were my brother or another person along with me that the abuser tortured. "I am much, much more than you and I drive you. I should torture you the way he tortured us. You lived because I allowed it."

 

[shimmerz]

Is it possible that this dramatic appearance is a desire to be both seen and heard?

Youch! ^^^^^ Retracted. This would freak.me.right.out. You are refreshingly calm in your posting I might add. ;)