Relationship How Do I Know If It's A Valid Boundary To Set?

[feetfirst]

S and I have a history of me lending/giving him money. It happened several times when we were involved for about a year seven years ago, and it's now the second time he needs money (we've been back together since June). It's very difficult for him to ask for help because of the shame he feels. I am the only one willing/able to help him financially. I love him and want to do anything I can for him, but giving him more money so he can do the same thing over and over and expect different results is something I'm unsure I can do any longer. Trying to set a boundary here may be devastating to him. I don't want that, but I don't know what other options I have. I don't even know if setting a boundary in this situation makes any sense.

His c-PTSD is so overwhelming he's not able to hold a job for very long, which is typically the cause of his money problems. Added to that he's now going through chemo for cancer. In July, he had to quit his job, move out of his apartment and move across country temporarily to stay with a friend because he had to quit his job and has no money. He has to return home in a couple of months for surgery. In July, I gave him $2500, which he's been living off of since then. He's going to need money to live off of when he returns.

To my mind, he should be on disability and in subsidized housing (cancer and being homeless would qualify him for emergency housing). I think he's never really going to find emotional stability until he has his basic needs met and the space to focus on dealing with his PTSD. I've tried to suggest subsidized housing a couple of times, but he's not interested. He says he hasn't lived alone and would prefer roommates because he feels safer knowing someone else is in the apartment. I understand those concerns. We discussed him moving in with me back in July before he left, but we eventually agreed that would be disastrous (our deep intimacy and connection means he needs lots of time away from me right now). We haven't yet talked about him getting on disability, so I don't know how he'll react to that suggestion. I'm not expecting much though, as wouldn't he already be on disability if he thought it was an option?

I'm so confused. What do I do? I'm willing to support him until he gets into emergency housing (he's too ill to be in a shelter), but I have serious concerns about enabling him to stay stuck. He's had a side business making videos for many years, which provides some supplemental income. When we were together before, I loaned him thousands to try to make the business full-time, but it's never really worked for him for any sustained period. Of course that's what he wants to focus on again. In my heart, I know his intentions are good and he believes he can make it work, but I've seen him fail and come back to me for money repeatedly. He also told me a few months ago that he wants to get out of making videos.

I'm concerned that setting a boundary that I'll only help him if he or we come up with a plan for long term stability will devastate him. I'm not even sure it's a reasonable boundary to set. It's likely to still be at least several months before he'll be finished with cancer treatment and probably several months after that before he's really able to work again. I don't think I have the resources to support him for that long, even if I wanted to.

I want to be there for him without enabling him. Is that too much to expect of him at this point because of the added stress of cancer (which is making everything MUCH worse)? Who am I to try to tell him how he should live his life and that I'll only support him if he lives it as I think he should live it (he's also asked this question in a gentler way)? What other options do I have?

I'd love to hear any thoughts or advice Supporters and Sufferers may have as to how to do right by both of us.

 

[feetfirst]

I'm really regretting have made this post. Earlier I tried to go back in and edit it, but I'd just missed the editing window. My stress level has been off the charts the last month, and I don't think I'm thinking clearly.

After posting I realized this is crazy. Of course this isn't a valid or reasonable boundary. I can't tell him or anyone how to live their life. I have to either give him the money or not. And it must be freely given with no strings.

I'm feeling really exposed and scared. I'm scared of what he might think if he should discover this thread. I'd prefer he not know about this momentary lack of good judgment. I know I have no control over it now, but I so wish I hadn't posted this online.

I'm wondering if my craziness is related to caffeine. I don't usually drink coffee, but I started drinking a good bit of it this last month to help with problems sleeping (partly from stress). It may also explain why I'm feeling anxious (which I don't usually feel).

 

[Sideways]

I don't think you need to stress about your post - you're brainstorming ways to help out someone in need, which is great.

Your comment that you don't think you could support him 'for that long' anyway - that's the key issue for me reading your post. He's in a really bad space right now, but there are lots of ways to support someone that don't involve handing over money. It's okay to say No, even to a loved one, and it doesn't have to be "No, and I'm out".

One of the problems with loaning money here and there is that each time, the loan assumes that things will work out accordjng to the plan. But life has a way of not working out that way, despite our best plans. And if you run out of money, and life throws either of you another curve ball, what then?

Stable and secure housing is one of our most basic needs. But ptsd or not, we need to take ownership of the responsibility of housing ourselves. Asking supporters for appropriate help is part of that process. And just as he's free to ask, you're free to say no, or offer help in a different form - I have some spare furniture you can use, I can drive you to check out that apartment, etc.

There's always options with housing. Having been homeless myself, yeah, they're mostly pretty crap options. But we tend to become more open to possibilities when other options (like a handout from a friend) are no longer on the table.

Being realistic, giving someone a loan in this type of situation is usually postponing the issue rather than solving it. This isn't a good time for him to have a housing crisis, but there is never a good time for it, and there is actually no guarantee that life hasn't got a few more curve balls in store over the coming months.

Declining to give him a loan is going to hurt, and he's going to be faced with some tough realities. But you can still be there for him without the open wallet. You are not a bad person for declining to give someone money.

 

[NaeNae75]

You can't tell him how to live his life, but it is your money...and if you want to see it spent wisely, that is your right.

My s/o used to give his ex wife money on top of his exorbitant child support because she always had an emergency. Yeah...child support got spent on hair and nails....now the power is turned off, and no food in the house...etc. It drove me nuts, because then I ended up supporting everything at our house.
So, I set a boundary too. That when she wanted money for groceries, he would just send groceries instead. Or if she wanted money for school stuff, he would buy the specific item.
Eventually, when she wasn't getting the extra cash...she stopped asking. I told him I was not willing to provide everything on our end so he could support her bad habits. I told him if he couldn't do that, then he wasn't entitled to stay rent free, eating free food...
I realize your situation is different, but he has to take responsibility for his own life. You can decide what your money is spent on and what it isn't. If you want to buy him groceries, clothing, or whatever...than buy him the specific item, don't leave the decision to him. That's totally reasonable.

You're not wrong for not wanting to enable him, and you're not responsible for making his life better than he wants it to be or is willing to make it. Beggars can't be choosers...he is responsible for his consequences.

 

[Suzetig]

I can understand you feeling exposed in what you posted - from where I'm sitting though it looks fine. I can understand the dilemma and don't think you're crazy at all.

For my part, I'm learning not to do things for others that I know I'll resent later. I'm not a supporter, but I have been known to fund my extended families life styles to my own detriment because I was too scared not to. You're talking about a lot of money here and you've already helped him a lot. He doesn't like the options open to him and, as an adult he has a right to choose, and to cope with the consequences of his choices as do you.

In your shoes I'd be looking for him to access as many benefits, welfare payments, supported housing, health care etc as possible - ie I'd want to be filling the gaps in provision rather than being the provision.

 

[feetfirst]

giving someone a loan in this type of situation is usually postponing the issue rather than solving it

@Ragdoll Circus Thank you for your response. It was very helpful. You especially hit the nail on the head that I'm always concerned I'm just postponing the issue and we'll have to come back to it in a few months.

you're not responsible for making his life better than he wants it to be or is willing to make it.

@NaeNae75 Thanks for your response. I do think our issues are quite different. I have absolutely no desire to be micromanaging anyone, especially him. If I thought he was wasting the money I gave him, there wouldn't be a question about whether to give him more. I know he's responsible for ultimately making his own decisions and saving himself, but it never hurts to be reminded again.

I can understand you feeling exposed in what you posted - from where I'm sitting though it looks fine. I can understand the dilemma and don't think you're crazy at all.... In your shoes I'd be looking for him to access as many benefits, welfare payments, supported housing, health care etc as possible - ie I'd want to be filling the gaps in provision rather than being the provision.

@Suzetig Thanks for the validation. I needed it. Filling in the gaps is precisely what I want to be doing. I might actually use your line when we talk more; you put it brilliantly.

 

[Sweetpea76]

If he's in the US, can he apply for disability or unemployment? There had to be something he can do to support himself. It's not realistic for him to count on the kindness of others when he can take care of this in other ways.

 

[feetfirst]

@Sweetpea76 Yes, I'm planning to suggest he apply for disability as well, though I'm unsure how well it'll be received.

 

[EveHarrington]

He won't ever help himself as long as you're there to support him.

Beggars can't be choosers.

Then again, people like this annoy me. They act like reaching out for assistance (disability, subsidized housing, etc) is beneath them but they have no problems using (yes, USING!) their friends. It doesn't speak much to moral character.

 

[Sighs]

I'm with Eve on this one.

I have an ex (no PTSD involved) who was horrified at the suggestion of welfare but quite happy for me to totally financially support him AND his adult son!

Not ok.

 

[Friday]

I'm not too good for benefits. I'm too paranoid for benefits.

It's just a bit of a catch22. If I'm doing badly enough to rate them? I can't handle the application process. At all.

Spoiler: The details on that fun little adventure in insanity

Like the last time someone decided to go and get some of my military stuff taken care of for me I had been so-so stable in NewOrleans. Stable enough I actually had a place I was renting (which, when I get really bad I can't even handle that paperwork, no matter how much money I have in the bank. I've had tens of thousands in the bank and been sleeping on the beach because I can't even handle hotels, much less leases), and I came back to it in between jobs I was taking (instead of finding somewhere new to live -or not- in between each job.). Within the month I was crewing a boat off the coast of South Africa. Kicked around SE Asia for awhile. Ended up in the southwest US. Come to think of it? I don't think I've been back to NewOrleans? Huh. I don't honestly know if that's why, or if it's just life pointed in another direction for awhile. I did end up in Florida for a spell, which is awfully close to to New Orleans. I think it was just a life thing. But what drove me out of NOLA and my beloved quarter and the sloooooowly more stable life I was building was the idea of anyone a) knowing how f*cked up I was, & b) there being a paper trail to prove how f*cked up I was, & c) being dependent // having to trust // any form of bureaucrazy.

I've tried it a few enough times to know exactly what my reaction will be if tasked with either applying for benefits, or allowing someone else to apply for me; full-court press, no holds barred, complete & utter freak out ...scuttling my life to full on ghost ...and end up god only knows where.

So my answer, these days whenever anyone brings it up? No.

If pressed? Not only no, but hell no.

And I refuse to discuss it from that point forward. It's an absolute non-starter for me.

Because I don't WANT to go into melt-down-land (this is not the only thing that drives me there) and I work really, really hard not to go there due to things outside my ability to control them. So it's beyond stupid, when there are so many things outside my ability to control them, for me to purposeful go and spit in the tiger's eye.

ETA...@feetfirst

<rueful> ^^^^ Is my own extreme. I'm in a little bit of over share at the moment. Just want to make really clear that most sufferers aren't gonna go and get on the nearest plane in response to a not insane request to apply for disability. Hell, I don't even -usually- do that. I shut the convo down before it gets that far. And I have about 1,000 coping mechanisms to kick over before I go all run-motherf*cker-run. Ditto, the extremes we all go to, tend to be different, and caused by different things. It is very reasonable to expect someone NOT to react like ^^^^. So my apologies. Sometimes my honesty button doesn't have an off-switch, and it's massive over share. :wtf: I just knew that my own aversion to disability isn't a pride thing, and isn't a better-than snobbery thing. It's pure, unadulterated -and mostly unfounded- fear. AKA paranoia. So I was thinking back to the last time I honestly did try and apply, instead of just shutting the convo down, and whoops! Story Time with Friday :bag: So, again, my apologies.

If I'm doing well enough to actually handle the paperwork and process? I don't need benefits.

ETA @feetfirst above. ((For some reason it's not tagging inside the spoiler.))

It doesn't speak much to moral character.

Fortunately I have no moral character to speak of, whatsoever. I'm a monster & I know it. I hardly think that trusting my friends to be honest with me reflects on that, though. An honest discussion of needs and wants allows both parties to choose the course which best suits them.

 

[EveHarrington]

I'm not too good for benefits. I'm too paranoid for benefits.

It's just a bit of a catch22. If I...

Ehhh, is that PTSD talking? A defense mechanism? I'd never say that you have no moral character. I haven't seen that in what you post. But, of course, I don't know you personally. All I know is what I see and I'm not seeing a lack of moral character.