Dom Violence Still Missing Him At Times

[trying2movefwd]

It's two days shy of what would be our 15th anniversary since our very first date. I still imagine myself getting back with him after leaving him 15 months ago, after already filing for divorce the Father and abuser of me and my children. I don't understand myself. I ache for relationships even if they are toxic. Since leaving him I have become suicidal yet have learned to press past that and I have also learned or am learning about living life in the present without dissacosiation! It's freeing, it's great to be able to remember things and yet it's boring and lonely at times. I wonder what life would be like if we could reunite. Is he one that's proven he can get "better"? He has done all the right things since the abuse to the children was known and yet He still can only see them supervised. My stepfather did much worse things to me and never got such a punishment. Don't get me wrong my smart, rational mind gets it, this part of me that misses romance, and relationship is just trying to Make sense out of all of it And she is still grieving. Goodbye to what I thought "love" was.

 

[Friday]

That's the question to ask yourself, really. Are you missing him, or the idea of him? Grieving him, or grieving what the relationship could have been, had the potential to be, what might have been?... If he wasn't him. Missing what you could have had, could have been, if things had been different? If he had been a good man, a good father, a good husband.

He's not the man you imagined. Not then. And not now.

 

[Pixielicious]

I'm sorry for being so brutally honest, but I can't understand how you can still 'love' somebody who abused your children.

If anyone had ever laid a finger on my children (thankfully it's never ever happened) I would make sure the perpetrator is punished for life.
There is nothing I wouldn't do to protect my children.

 

[Enaila]

@trying2movefwd I get it. Once upon a time, there was something you loved about your husband. He might have been funny or charming or something. Divorce is similar to death. The stages of grief are the same and you grieve the person your husband used to be when you fell in love with him. You will go through the stages of bargaining, denial, depression, anger, and acceptance in whatever order for the loss of the marriage and the one you loved. This is normal. The anniversary triggered the stages. Just remind yourself the person you married is not the same one he is today. I grieve for the loss of my dreams of the perfect family and marriage. My ex was an abuser and he then died from his addictions which made him abusive. I still go through the stages of grief....frequently anger when I am having a hard time providing for my family and having to advise my sons on my own.

Hang in there. The stage of acceptance will be back soon. You and your children are soooo much better off not being around the abuser!

 

[Casey_03]

The main thing here is that you did leave him -- and you did the right thing if he abused your kids. The other part, the missing the good old days, is completely normal. There was still a bond, even if he was abusive. And presumably there was a time when things were good, which it's normal to long for. In many ways, I think it is often more difficult to get over abusive relationships because there is always an unanswered question about what went wrong, and how things went from good to bad. (And sure, our rational minds know things went wrong because the guy was abusive, and it's his problem, but there's always a small part wondering exactly where things changed, why we didn't see it, etc)

 

[trying2movefwd]

Thanks @Enaila I guess I...he...He wasn't "mean" He didn't scream at me. He was just incredibly sexually aggressive and He exposed the children to things their eyes should've never seen... which I guess is still considered abuse In my state. My Counselor says not to compare, but when I was little my Dad, held me at gunpoint, knocked me unconscious, molested, and raped me. It's a far cry from what my children have experienced. Yes @Casey_03 I left BEFORE it got that bad for them, when I knew things were not good. I really don't know love, but I am told a loving husband doesn't rape a wife recovering from surgery...one of our children witnessed it. He was inappropriate with another one of our children, resulted all in exposure type abuse.
I am no longer with him. I am getting divorced and yet I want to minimize this all, i want to believe it's not that bad, but i Know it really is. He is only allowed to be supervised with our children during visitation. I haven't spoken to him in 15 months, if he is the one who made such bad decisions then why do I feel so guilty. ...especially during anniversary times?! I probably wouldn't have if he hadn't told a mutual party that he was doing so aweful this week. Feels like my fault. :cry:

 

[trying2movefwd]

P.s. they say he is passive/aggressive

 

[Pixielicious]

Thanks @Enaila I guess I...he...He wasn't "mean" He didn't scream at me. He w...

I want to apologise to you, for my harsh sounding words from my previous post....When I see someone 'loving' or missing a perpetrator who has abused children, my anger thermometer hits the roof. I tried to write it as 'friendly' as possible... Meh...
But he also abused you too. These kind of monsters are so good at manipulating and controlling their victims that they make you believe that the 'love', the good things they give you are heaven sent.
I totally understand the loneliness you feel, after 15yrs with him and why you feel the way you do.
In your last post, you compare the abuse you went through as a child compared to what your children went through.
Did you know that there's so much more better than what y'all have experienced?
You and your children deserve to be happy and safe without any abuse at all.
We all need and want to be loved, and for people who have never known anything other than abuse, it's really hard to believe or even understand that real love never abuses anybody. Ever.
And it's even harder to believe that no one could ever love you without abusing you.
I am speaking from personal experience.
I hate the evil man who nearly killed me. Who kept me as his 'sex slave'.
But yes, in the beginning, I did 'miss' him.
It's called Stockholm syndrome. Google it.

 

[Richie]

recovering from surgery is not relevant. No man should as much as THREATEN his woman. Once is too often when it comes to violence. No ifs, no buts, NO EXCUSES!!!
the guilt seems totally understandable. You left him so that may be the decision that you feel guilty about but look at the reasons for that decision. The safety of you and your kids. He is fully responsible for those reasons because of the decisions that HE made.
you may miss the ideology of being with him but clearly the reality was very different and I think a huge majority of people have lived in hope for someone to be who they are not and never could be. People fool themselves

 

[Suzetig]

I think it's natural to miss him. Something attracted you to him and kept you in a relationship with him, and it's hard to lose the "good" bits. And you've been abused in caring relationships as a child, and the messages we get as children stay with us, there was a bond with him which is all entwined with how you understand loving relationships to be, your own self worth and the messages society gives us about marriage. And parenting alone is incredibly hard work.

But he was abusuve to you and yes, exposing your child to her mother being raped is significant child abuse - it's right that his contact is supervised. The sensible part of you knows he's dangerous, of course he's complied with what's been asked of him with regard to the children - it's a way to show he's not a bad soul and to regain control of you by getting direct access to your children. It doesn't mean he's changed. By all means cry, gaze at old photographs and mourn the good times but don't let him back in.