Parts That Want Us Dead

[scout86]

I shouldn't try to do this on my phone....

I can't remember if we're talked about this before or not. Is it possible that that post doesn't so much WANT to die as that it can't see any better solutions to whatever the perceived problem is? I think I told you about my "she'd be better off dead" dream, didn't I? In the context down in that dream, I can see how I might have thought I'd be better off dead, since no one wanted me. There were a couple problems with that thinking though. First, even if it was true that my parents didn't want me, that doesn't mean no one did or ever would. Second, you don't have to die just because no one wants you. To Hell with 'em if they can't take a joke.

Is it possible that the part in question is laboring under a similar misunderstanding? It's there a way to update the information it's operating under?

It's probably different for different people. For me, I still get those "better off dead" thoughts from time to time, but it's easier to let it go when I recognize it as something that's based on outdated, not real accurate information. Granted, I don't experience the same kind of hijacking you do. Now that I think about it, whether or not you dissociate or how dramatically might make a huge difference.

 

[shimmerz]

I'm not certain that it actually understands the concept of death.

It's there a way to update the information it's operating under?

Yes, this is what I am wondering. The impression I get is that this part is SO young that there really is no understanding. Not one that I have figured out how to communicate with anyway. That is the conundrum.

I recall this happening in CA as well, when we traveled to a less warm part of the state. I was searching, on the way back from our excursions, for a place that I could live under the bridges we were driving under. *heavy sigh*

It all seems to be weather related. The heat gets me too (when I have a car), but clearly that isn't the problem at this point. And it really isn't very cold here all things considered.

 

[scout86]

I've been thinking while doing fall yard work. LOL

Here's something else to consider. Why should this "part" trust you and your judgement? It's been taking care of business the best way it knew how for a LONG time. No one else would. She had to. NOW you expect her to leave things up to some random adult?

You know me & this "parts" stuff. But that's my gut feeling on how some of it works. No reliable adults to look out for you? You do the best you can with what you've got and you learn to trust that. Or not, I suppose. I'm thinking you need to have one of those "hey kid, take a break, I've got this" kind of talks. And be prepared to prove up. And don't lie. If you don't know, say so, but be in charge. You can visualise. Picture Little shimmerz when you talk to her.

 

[shimmerz]

You know Scout, if I didn't know better, I would say that you are actually buying into this parts thing. :eek: Who would have known?

Good advice. And what immediately comes to mind that the fact that I am formulating backup plans, figuring out 'safe places', pacing.... planning, wouldn't be seen by this 'part' as a good safety net for her, would it?

 

[BlueOrange]

Is it possible that that post doesn't so much WANT to die as that it can't see any better solutions to whatever the perceived problem is?

This does seem like a very productive question to me (as well).

Establishing communication with a hostile, angry part is something I've found difficult and frightening. If the only language they understand is violence, then an imagined space that limits the hurt they can deliver is important.

(I've tended to meet them in my 'default imagination', as I talk about this, it seems to me that something more structured with a 'meeting space' separated from a 'safe space' might be good.)

The things which reassure the part posting on the forums probably aren't reassuring for the part that isn't considering the full picture. I think that they're still good and worthwhile, but unlikely to be enough.

So, the next plan I'd be planning is 'how can I demonstrate that this part will need to explore alternatives?' Alternatively, 'how can I get it to communicate what it hopes to achieve, so that I can find an alternative method for satisfying it?'

 

[shimmerz]

She's in one hell of a double bind. She can't be in a house that threatens her safety in any way (this isn't always an obvious threat) and she can't be outside in inclement weather (cold or windy especially). She used to use her car as it felt safe (although it wasn't really). Now she has no car. So she has no place to go to be safe if her house is not safe. So she sees no other option but self annihilation.

She believes she is helping me. She is not. But she has no strategies for keeping herself safe in a house that she trusts (and it is the only thing she does trust) will turn violent.

Deep breath.
And I don't have the answer either.

There. She said it.

 

[shimmerz]

Establishing communication with a hostile, angry part is something I've found difficult and frightening.

She isn't angry. She doesn't know how to be. She is just trying to get away in whatever way she knows how.

 

[scout86]

the fact that I am formulating backup plans, figuring out 'safe places', pacing.... planning, wouldn't be seen by this 'part' as a good safety net for her, would it?

No more than it would with any other kid with a disordered attachment pattern and an adult they didn't actually know. You need to establish a little street cred.

I would say that you are actually buying into this parts thing.

:rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:

One of the things I've decided to believe is my T, when he says, no matter how it looks from the outside, all this stuff was adaptive at one time. He seems pretty convinced that your brain really doesn't intend you harm. It's just that sometimes it has kind of a goofy idea of what 'harm' and 'safe' are. Just because it was adaptive doesn't mean it totally made sense, even at the time. For people like us, where this started really early, a lot of the 'adaptive stuff' was chosen by a little kid and they're amazing but they are still little kids.

I keep forgetting about 'dissociation'. What do you think happens when this part takes over? Does shimmerz dissociate and the Little Shimmerz thinks she'd better step in and do something? Because SOMEONE has to be in charge? (Which is probably where my 'too hypervigilent to dissociate' thing comes in.)

 

[scout86]

She is just trying to get away in whatever way she knows how.

Then maybe you start by explaining that you understand that, but that NOW, she actually IS safe and doesn't have to get away. And that you will come up with a plan to keep the whole crew safe. Really and truly you will. Meanwhile, she has a lot going for her that she may not have noticed. She might want to check around a bit and see what's developed in more recent history.

 

[sun seeker]

So if you have jewelry and are still having this problem, it sounds like the jewelry isn't working.

Have you tried seeing if you have any older parts who could babysit? Agree to keep her safe when she is scared? I agree with what @scout86 says, though I hadn't thought of it until she said it. The whole problem back then was adults weren't safe, so she wouldn't trust an adult. But what about an older child?

 

[sun seeker]

Establishing communication with a hostile, angry part is something I've found difficult and frightening. If the only language they understand is violence, then an imagined space that limits the hurt they can deliver is important.

Thank you for this advice. I am having exactly the problem you describe here right now, so appreciate the tip. How to befriend an angry part when I don't like it or want it to be part of me? :confused:

 

[sun seeker]

Then maybe you start by explaining that you understand that, but that NOW, she actually IS safe and doesn't have to get away.

Just thinking, she might be too young to understand words. It might have to be nonverbal communication - touch, tone of voice, maybe singing a lullaby?