Parts That Want Us Dead

[shimmerz]

Thank you so much for the encouragement Sandstone. I so appreciate that on this day.

 

[scout86]

What @Sandstone said! :ninja:

 

[Tinyflame]

If the size of our feelings corresponds to the size of the problem, as they say it does, is there a way @shimmerz to reduce the perspective of the size of the problem first, then look towards solutions/ make choices?

:hug:

 

[shimmerz]

I am looking pretty squarely at homelessness in the winter yet again. Seems like a pretty big problem. I am not certain how to scale that down. Welcome advice on that.

On the upside, I am not in a ditch somewhere today. I called to find out what my resources were, spoke with the SO who is soundly putting this one me and minimizing. If I could see things his way it wouldn't be a problem at all. For one of us.

Seriously would love input on how to scale down.

 

[Tinyflame]

If I could see things his way

How does he say he sees it?

 

[scout86]

Seriously would love input on how to scale down.

Before we start scaling things in either direction, let's analyze the situation and it's problems.

The thing I'm sure of is this is a rough time of year for you, especially in a climate that has winter. His medical situation reminds you of stuff with your father, and that's an unresolved issue, so it's a problem. Then there's the whole "Part who wants to deal with this in not real useful ways" thing, which is something that needs to be addressed too.

Not sure, exactly, how he sees any of that or how he sees his medical situation. (Other than that you've strongly suggested he thinks if he ignores it it will go away.)

So, to become homeless means you decide to leave where you're at. Has he hinted at a desire to throw you out? If he has, that elevates the level of immediacy. If he doesn't seem to be in a hurry for you to leave, there's not an emergency, you have time to work on stuff.

 

[sun seeker]

Has he hinted at a desire to throw you out? If he has, that elevates the level of immediacy. If he doesn't seem to be in a hurry for you to leave, there's not an emergency, you have time to work on stuff.

Perhaps we could simplify: is this an external or an internal emergency? Because either way, if there is a part that takes over to the degree this one does, and it perceives an emergency, it kind of is an emergency even if a perfectly good home is still there and external circumstances haven't changed. We just need to know what kind of emergency.

 

[Tinyflame]

@shimmerz , as @scout said, please don't 'assume' you're not able to stay, unless your SO has said so.

Just thought.. "Parts That Want Us Dead" - not that want you dead, just the actions could lead to unsafety.

:hug:

 

[sun seeker]

I think the point here is not whether he has said she has to leave, but that she knows she can be hijacked by this part that would leave if it perceives not being wanted, whether or not that is actual fact - and she doesn't know how to communicate with this part.

There are other things about this that I am noticing, but am having trouble expressing because my own triggers get in the way. :banghead: I just want to say I am hearing you, and I think I get it, and I care... but don't want to make things worse by saying the wrong thing.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yikes put that way @sun seeker I suppose I deal with that too. Wish it were easier to understand/ alter. :(

Hugs to you both. Xox. :hug:

 

[Lionheart]

One of my past therapists said that most survivors have a part of themselves that want to die, but I tend to disagree.

I think it is about wanting to be out of pain, out of turmoil, out of chaos etc. and have peace, comfort, and rest.

Maybe that is the underlying intention of this part of us...these are just my thoughts so, please take them for what they are.....just my 2 cents.

 

[shimmerz]

I think the point here is not whether he has said she has to leave, but that she knows she can be hijacked by this part that would leave if it perceives not being wanted, whether or not that is actual fact

Yes. T talked about containment in the house. It sounded stupid at the time. He suggested curling up in bed, but I chose the spare room. A space of my own that I am not forced to engage. And SO is not invading that space or insisting that I attend to anything, which is giving me a chance to keep my executive level functioning going, by and large. I can see how abusers can keep people like me off of level by continually distracting, bombarding, overwhelming. If that were happening right now I would be in a totally different space. SO is not an abuser.

When I go outside it is for a specific purpose. I am not allowing myself to walk down the steps of the porch unless I have a purpose. I am speaking to the part purposefully.

Yesterday I dealt with some plan b issues by way of phone. If I needed to leave of my own volition, could I? What would that take? How long could I stay at a shelter. Can I access money somehow?

So I have been in this spare room since yesterday late afternoon. The living room feels too big, the bedroom for sure I can't go into. And the kitchen? lol. Nope. But containment in this room is safe for now - and that is all she needs. Is a place to be safe here and for me to be proactively figuring out where I am at.

That is where my understanding of this situation in a clear way comes into play. He is pissed off, annoyed, mocking even. That seems to be okay for my system right now to an extent (besides my having to contain). I keep getting these random urges to just leave but those urges are less strong than they used to be. If he were to turn on me and start invading this space there would be no question that this would be a different scene internally.

I should probably be typing this into my diary but the question was about parts and how to deal with them when they go rogue, so I have thought that perhaps it is of value to type the process here - as I am not flying back and forth with this part yet. Maybe there is some value to someone in their struggle, idk.

He has not asked me to leave. However, I can see that he is not at all pleased with this. And the mistake I made last time(s) were to miss cues and not see things for what they were. I am not avoiding issues here - I am speaking up. And I am watching the reaction.

Yesterday I couldn't go into the kitchen to prep any food. My brain is screwed about going anywhere need food and kitchens right now because the fight we had (which actually was not a fight on my part, he freaked out because I suggested something wasn't good for him given his condition and he was insisting on having it). He is angry and speaking as if I am trying to control what he eats. This is his issue, and I know that, I am not.

He left yesterday morning (angry) and with no food. He did have the truck so could have gotten food. I pulled out the big girl panties when I realized yesterday that I couldn't prep food and told him he should grab something on the way home. He said he hadn't eaten all day. I said that I hadn't either (which I hadn't due to this kitchen thing in my head). I found it interesting that he went out with his mother for dinner but didn't bring me anything back.

At this point the status quo is that I cannot make food. He has said that he will make food. I asked him how this isn't going to lead to contempt towards me (food is generally my gig). He said 'It is what it is' and I responded with 'sorry there has to be an emotion there somewhere that you aren't expressing in words. So I need to be watching for things besides words. This was always a mistake of mine. I trusted words when I should have trusted actions.

He went to bed last night. I was covered up lying between two chairs. He said something, which woke me enough to hear his expression of disdain for my situation. I also recognize that in prior situations I would generally be so dissociative that I wouldn't remember these things. I am keeping track of them at this point. I don't seem to be dissing out.

Sorry for the long description here. It is helpful to keep track for the days to come. Thank you for your patience.