DID I think i have d i d and it's panicking me

[theshadowoftheliving]

Apparently, recently my therapist had a whole conversation with me when I insisted that I wasn't Shadow, and I can't really remember the conversation at all.

Now, I feel unreal. More than usual. And I keep hearing myself speak and watching myself from a distance as I go through my day.

I know I've danced around this for a long time but I think that I can't deny it and I'm equally terrified of asking her if I have DID and not asking if I have DID.

My head is swimming and I don't know what to do.

 

[aut555]

This is okay. You are on a healing journey. Somethings will come up, you just have to trudge along and your therapist will help you. Write down some questions to ask at next therapy session. You will overcome this.

 

[Muttly]

I have been where you are. It's a really, really hard place. It's frightening and there's just so much to think about. Finally talking to my T about DID and acknowledging we had it sent us spinning for a while but it also gave us so much healing. It was what we needed and I don't regret it at all. I'm not saying you need to talk to your therapist about this right now. You'll do it when you are ready. My therapist says over and over, this is not a race. So while it all feels big right now, as you move a long it will get more manageable.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

Dis-associating can happen without DID, I don't have DID, and when I was in the hospital I had many episodes where I lost time, and I was told I was there and participated. Everyone has parts, its part of our brains makeup, with DID different personalities exist in the same person, with some living in trauma time. Watching yourself as if you were a spectator is a classic symptom of disassociation. I had that too.

 

[Sideways]

For me, accepting the reality that I had parts was scary, but I knew already really, so it wasn't that much of a big deal in the end.

But accepting the diagnosis? For some reason, that was completely different. Terrifying. I felt completely mad. It was a process more than a point - the pendulum swung back and forth for a long time before finally settling and accepting.

I second the suggestion to write it down if that helps. Keep it simple: "Do you think I likely have DID?" Hand it over, then breathe lots.

I ended up asking that question over and over. It got easier to ask, but it took a while to be okay with the answer. I still don't like it. But who likes being diagnosed with anything? Some diagnoses are harder to accept, and I think this is one of them.

Key is to remember that as big as the diagnosis feels, it doesn't actually change anything. You already have it, or you don't. The diagnosis is just someone finally ticking that box. And it is useful to know, even though it's scary. Once you know, you really start to deal with the situation.

Rooting for you, whatever the outcome:)

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

Finally talking to my T about DID and acknowledging we had it sent us spinning for a while but it also gave us so much healing.

I agree. I wouldn't pursue the diagnosis, though; if you have it, you have it, and your therapist will let you know when it's time. Just try to sit with yourself, wherever you are in the moment, and don't worry about a diagnosis.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I'm not saying you need to talk to your therapist about this right now. You'll do it when you are ready. My therapist says over and over, this is not a race. So while it all feels big right now, as you move a long it will get more manageable.

I haven't asked yet. Every time I try to, I get really, really dizzy and I start to float away. So, as much as I want to ask, I can't even.

I ended up asking that question over and over. It got easier to ask, but it took a while to be okay with the answer. I still don't like it. But who likes being diagnosed with anything? Some diagnoses are harder to accept, and I think this is one of them.

I agree. I had enough trouble accepting PTSD. As long as it was just a label of depression, it felt like something that I could overcome if I just worked hard enough. PTSD doesn't feel fixable. DID feels even less fixable.

Rooting for you, whatever the outcome:)

Thank you. I appreciate it.

Just try to sit with yourself, wherever you are in the moment, and don't worry about a diagnosis.

I've been sitting with this for more than a year. I'm struggling to continue to sit with it. I'm also wondering if sitting with it is making it worse - maybe the not-knowing is more stressful than just knowing and then being able to deal with it.

I'm just not sure.

 

[Sideways]

PTSD doesn't feel fixable. DID feels even less fixable.

You know, at the moment, I'd definitely rather not have DID. But I am getting so much better at managing my parts now that I've accepted what it is, and that just like my ptsd, it takes a bit of work.

And while a couple of my parts are still a big struggle for me, some of them? They're actually pretty groovy. And there is definitely times where, I'm gonna say it - I'm actually glad that I've had a chance to get to know them. We're all really different, but (maybe I'm sounding too weird), I have a better relationship with some of my parts than I do with anyone else on the planet.

It's a weird way to exist. And there's times where, yeah, it feels like the gods really pitched in against me. But there's also times where it's become a kooky way to live with some folks that I actually really like.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

It's a weird way to exist. And there's times where, yeah, it feels like the gods really pitched in against me. But there's also times where it's become a kooky way to live with some folks that I actually really like.

I'm really struggling to acknowledge that I don't live like everyone else. I didn't realize this until recently, but my brain is definitely different from most people's and my experiences in life are so, so different from other's. That's maybe the hardest part.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

I'm also wondering if sitting with it is making it worse

I'm not suggesting you sit with the question of whether you have DID or not. I am suggesting you just practice sitting in the moment; when you are bathing, think about bathing, when driving, think about driving, etc.. Stay in the moment.

that I don't live like everyone else.

No one lives like everyone else.

my brain is definitely different from most people's

Every brain is different from every other.

my experiences in life are so, so different from other's.

Every person has a unique past.

 

[Kailani]

You may have dissociative PTSD or DID. What helps me in that situation is to realize that I have PTSD and work on that because the treatment can also help with DID. Worrying is going to happen with all the dissociative symptoms so it can't be helped. The only thing to do would be getting an evaluation for it. Either way you are you; an individual who may not fit into any box they try to put you in. Maybe time will tell. Hope something in this helps!

 

[BlueOrange]

Do you feel able to tell your therapist about the fear in relation to the question? By presenting you with evidence of dissociation, they do seem to be trying to encourage you to see something that you haven't seen before.