I Hate Everyone I Love, But I Want To Feel Loved

[LoneWoIf]

I feel suicidal. It's hard to say, but there it is. I've said it out loud somewhere for someone to read. I wonder if it's sad that I have to reach out on a forum for help instead of looking to my 'loved ones' to say - hey I feel terrible inside and want to die.

I was diagnosed with PTSD about a month ago. The symptoms have worsened I'd say especially the past week. Last Sunday was the worst it's been. I was supposed to have a makeup Thanksgiving dinner with my parents. I stayed for about an hour and made an excuse to come home. Then laid in bed for hours. Then said tons of horrible, mean sh*t to my boyfriend all day...for no reason. He had done literally nothing to deserve my hateful comments. Random sh*t that I really regret saying. I regret leaving my parents early. But I feel like a tornado, hurricane, tsunami, snow storm sh*t storm inside.

One minute I'm talking myself out of suicide, the next I'm yelling about dishes, the next I'm crying in the bathroom. Physically, I feel like I can't breathe and I'm tensing my muscles all day long. I feel like I just ran a marathon, every single day. I think - just think happy thoughts, life is great, just be happy, it'll go away soon - then I'm fine for an hour. Then even seeing my boyfriend or a co-worker and I want to scream. Or my mom calls and I want to answer the phone "what in the f***k do you want? don't you know I'm at work?!"

It makes no sense. None of this makes any sense. How did that horrible, traumatic thing that happened awhile ago turn me into this?! That was three months ago. I should be fine by now. My boyfriend is fine. My parents have gone through sh*t in their lives. Everyone is happy and normal. Successful, happy, normal citizens. They make it look so easy. Why am I this way?!

At this point, is where I reach the suicidal thoughts again. My life doesn't matter. Life is sh*t anyways. No one would notice or care. There are tons of people in the world, mine is meaningless. David Bowie died and who gives a fk. He was awesome. You're just a meaningless roach. Life is a big bag of sh*t and we all die anyways. No one cares. Your boyfriend and parents would be better off. If you hold on, you're just going to piss them off and be a bi*ch and probably end up alone. Your co-workers don't give a sh*t, just do your job. Just work, just be normal, just be the loving happy self you're expected to be.

And I wake up, and struggle again. Is this normal? Does anyone even remotely feel this way ever? Is holding on really worth it?!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[WillyKat]

We would notice and we care. Everyone on this forum gives a shit about you. We have all felt like this sometimes. I know I have. Many people on this forum have felt just like you do. Those feelings are completely normal given what you're dealing with. You are not alone, not here.

First off, if you have a counsellor, call her/him. Talk it over or schedule an emergency session. If you can't get through, call a hotline in your area. Do this please.

I don't know what kind of trauma you suffered, but you must understand that you're not alone. There's a really shitty thing about PTSD: if you try to jump to a place of healing after only a few months, you'll short circuit the process. You'll set expectations very high, and since it takes time to heal, you'll get frustrated and angry.

Hang in there, read other posters on the forum.

Feel free to message me, if you want.

 

[Sighs]

Your boyfriend and parents would be better off.

^^^ This is not true. There are some threads here written by the loved ones left behind. They are not better off. They are much worse off. They are left feeling guilty for not helping you more, lonely without you, sad beyond belief that they no longer have the opportunity to hold you again, tell you they love and help you come to terms with what happened to you and traumatised themselves by your suicide.

I've met a lot of people who have lost loved ones to suicide. Not one of them - not ONE - has ever told me they fell better off.

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

 

[Gs172003]

I feel suicidal. It's hard to say, but there it is. I've said it out loud somewhere for someone to re...

Are you getting help? There is help for this. This GROUP is help for this. Just knowing you aren't alone, helps. Believe me when I say you would absolutely be missed. My cousin took his life last year. I'm still devastated by it. You matter. You matter. You matter.

 

[LoneWoIf]

Thank you everyone. Just reading your comments helps. I don't know if anyone kinda 'flies off the handles' in the same way but last night was bad.

I started seeing a psychologist which helped. But I feel like I need an EXPERT. Someone on here said to find a trauma psychiatrist.

When I get really bad (stuck in my head) I start going through suicide plans. It's bad. Like thinking - which process would be the least painful? Do any of you ever get to this point?

The next day, I read what I wrote and think - you sound crazy. I guess I feel like I should apologize for feeling traumatized.

I think the hardest thing is the extreme ups and downs. I'll force myself to 'have a good day' then one thing at home sets me off and then I feel guilt for slipping. Do you guys do this? Any advice is appreciated.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I've had PTSD probably since age 10, I'm 63 now. I was The angriest person there was. I flew off the handle, I fought with everyone over anything. I had a therapist flat out refuse to take me on as a client because he said he was afraid I'd go off in his office. I was that volatile, for many many yrs.

Once I was diagnosed at age 41, everything kind of clicked and then I knew I had to change. And I did. Working on facing your trauma, your emotions surrounding your trauma, and everything about your trauma, will help tremendously. You need to learn coping skills to reign in that temper, and learn to shut your mouth, even through you want to take it out on the nearest person. Don't, go for a walk, punch pillows till your arm just about falls off, write out every nasty thing you feel and then burn the damn thing. I don't care what you do, but stop behaving badly, because what your doing is wrong. It's hurting those around you, and in the long run it will hurt you also.

PTSD isn't curable, but it can be managed, if you work at it. And as we always say..... PTSD, isn't an excuse for bad behavior either....

 

[WillyKat]

@She Cat,

I've punched pillows, and walls. Trust me, they never learn. You punch the crap out of them and they just sit there with a smirk on their face, mocking you.

I've had PTSD since before they ever even thought of calling it that, since age 6 and I'm staring down the barrel of 57 this year. I've had enormous problems with anger. I went out into the desert a couple of years ago, alone, and fasted. Weird shit happens when you don't eat for a couple of days. To cut a very long story short, my angry part is my inner child (as much as I hate that term, it does make sense) was the angry one. No one noticed how hard things were for him, no one was smart enough to see the dangers he faced, no one seemed to care at all and he felt betrayed and angry all the time. So out in the desert, I finally hugged the little boy inside and both he and my adult self cried like I've never cried before. There I am, alone in this case-like rock formation in the middle of a desert wilderness, crying. Awesome stuff and I highly recommend it.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I lost my brother to suicide just over a year ago. I am still crying. Please don't think that people will be better off without you. I can tell you for a fact I'm not better off.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@WillyKat Anything is better than screaming at people or taking it out on them. So if punching pillows help, then so be it.

As far as the inner child.... Yes, I agree. I just don't agree with your approach. I did that in a safe environment, with a trauma therapist/psychologist. He walked me through the entire process. Very healing...

 

[aut555]

@WillyKat. That's great you found a way to do it. The Navajo Indians use sweat teepees to sit in and get in touch with their feelings. It doesn't matter how we get in touch with our feelings, just that we do it.

 

[StarChild]

Hi @LoneWoIf and welcome to the forums. By reading what you wrote on your name tag:
"I feel like sht. And I don't know why. And I hate the world so fk off. Please hug me."

..As well as the title of your thread, actually makes me wonder were you also assessed for the possibility of Borderline Personality Disorder? As to me, it clearly has a striking resemblance...

David Bowie died and who gives a fk. He was awesome.

I don't think that David Bowie is the problem here.... But to answer this statement; In the laps of time, right from the moment you wrote this, until you'll read my answer, there died actually a lot humans. Adults and children. Some died of hunger, others were murdered, others were neglected, tortured. Also hundreds of humans were badly abused, raped, beaten, stabbed or died of drug use. And many, many awful things more happened since you wrote your first post. Do you actually give a f*ck about those people, do you give a f*ck to their individual suffering? Or do you use David Bowie's dead as kind of an "alibi", to indirectly accuse (strange) people of not being interested in you / your life / your suffering?

It's the same with this:

You're just a meaningless roach. Life is a big bag of sh*t and we all die anyways. No one cares.

Your co-workers don't give a sh*t, just do your job. Just work, just be normal, just be the loving happy self you're expected to be.

Yes life can be cruel, life can be unfair, it often just is! The danger I see in what you've expressed, is that you can talk yourself fairly good and fairly deep into a very unhealthy, unhelpful view of the "world" respectively, the people who live in it. This comes across as a means to actually justify your contorted view of others. And that's a vicious cycle, a never ending loop. The only way out of this cycle is to consciously work on how you perceive your environment in opposition to how your environment is in reality.

Also, to generalize a feeling and to simply lump together each and everyone won't help you to actually heal. I don't know where I read the following, but it hits the nail on the head. It goes like this: "I wouldn't believe everything I think". Oh, and don't forget your own part and your own responsibilities in life, while judging / accusing others so freely.