I Hate Everyone I Love, But I Want To Feel Loved

[LoneWoIf]

The thing is, everyone is not happy go lucky.

You know Willy....YES!!!! I couldn't have said it better. I pray for that day too. It's no wonder why people are so messed up today.

I've always felt that people LOVE pretending. Oh my fancy stuff. And look at my expensive car. Then inside, is a horrible sad mess.

The whole Robin Williams thing...Everyone was so shocked. It's because mental health is a stigma. Take this pill, smile, buy stuff. NO, I think it's time we start really talking about how we feel instead of trying to cover it up with meaningless materialistic shit! And just because someone has a mental issue, doesn't mean they're broken!

 

[LoneWoIf]

I once told my therapist not to go on with the happy thoughts shit. He laughed. and that got me laug...

Thank you DharmaGirl. I'm feeling a litttlee better. It helps that tomorrow, I can eat my feelings. LoL :p

I like your comment. The happy thoughts crap doesn't work for you either?!! It helps me to accept that at least on here, you all really understand and I won't be judged. Sometimes it feels like the 'happy thoughts' people try to fix you up instead of just listening.

 

[WillyKat]

Happy thoughts, or happiness in general is a bit of a false god for many of us. In keeping with one of my mantra's about seeking realistic, attainable goals, I get closer to happiness when I seek a purpose in life and ways to keep it all meaningful. I seek fulfillment instead of happiness.

Happiness sounds too much like care-freeness, and I'll never get there. I'd rather have lots of cares and know I'm doing something right.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Thanks She Cat. :) I'm trying. Like you said, it's not easy. Do you think you're better than you once were? Or is it just something you have to be aware of to keep from taking things out on loved ones?

Since working on my trauma with an awesome therapist and dealing with shit as it comes up...... OMG, I very rarely fly off the handle. I did recently, but then realized it was due to inhaled steroids for COPD. Steroids cause severe anxiety in me, and rage. I honestly can't control myself when I take them, it's like I become Dr Jeckell with no Dr Hyde..... BAD real BAD!!!!! So, I took myself off of the inhalers and wow, no more anxiety/rage.

So the answer to your question is YES, and there is hope for you too..... figure out what is really triggering that anger/rage, and I suggest working on that first, as it's getting in the way of your healing with a good support. Anger issues mean you push people out, thus no support system.... if it were me, thats what I'd work on first....

 

[Gs172003]

You know Willy....YES!!!! I couldn't have said it better. I pray for that day too. It's no wonder why...

Agreed!!!

 

[Gs172003]

Thank you DharmaGirl. I'm feeling a litttlee better. It helps that tomorrow, I can eat my feelings. Lo...

Again..... AGREED!!

 

[sigaar]

I feel suicidal. It's hard to say, but there it is. I've said it out loud somewhere for someone to rea...

Holding on is worth it although it may not seem to you to be the case at the moment.You wrote that you only received the diagnose one month ago.You are probably upset with the new situation. Wait a while and let the anger release itself.Having PTSD is a pretty shitty thing on itself with which to cope.Realize there are some good therapies like EMDR which really help and do it fast as well.
When all boils down these torturing thoughts are chemicals in certain areas of the brain. Ketamine is being tested because it can help a large part of people with suicidal tendencies. I am not sure if they already developed a medicine from it.ketamine is a NMDA antagonist.
I made a lot of progress since August by a new supplement NMDA relief. NMDA is the neurotransmitter that is responsible for the racing negative suicidal thoughts.I am from Europe, I do not know if they ship to the USA but here is the link. Maybe there are similar products in the States. exendo nmda relief I can't place the link I am afraid.

 

[Doris Cruz]

I feel suicidal. It's hard to say, but there it is. I've said it out loud somewhere for someone to rea...

I am really touched; it really feels terrified. I feel I was talking about myself;. Most times I cannot express myself because no one understands, they don't want to hear you, I dislike to complain;. I get angry at myself because I cannot keep my mind on silence. I deeply understand. I just say to myself God is my strength. "For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you" (Isaiah 41:13). I read the Bible and I be thankful through the storms and struggles.

 

[LoneWoIf]

I am really touched; it really feels terrified. I feel I was talking about myself;. Most times I ca...

Thank you Doris. I do understand exactly how you feel. Especially the part about being angry with yourself for constantly thinking. I know how this feels, believe me. Please know someone out there struggles the same, which means neither of us is alone. :)

 

[LoneWoIf]

Holding on is worth it although it may not seem to you to be the case at the moment.You wrote that...

Hi Peter. I think you're definitely right. It's a mix of anger, sadness, and confusion really. I've honestly never heard of EMDR or ketamine. I just read a bit about them, and it's very interesting. It seems ketamine really helps with suicide ideation but it's still new as far as research. I do believe there's a better solution than antidepressants. I've always thought depression is just a bystander of the real problem. Thanks for the suggestion. I'm really going to look into trying these - especially EMDR.

 

[Mary4]

@She Cat,

I've punched pillows, and walls. Trust me, they never learn. You punch th...

Wow, thanks for saying about the desert, glad it helped you. It says to me that you can work it out on your own which is encouraging. My relative is pushing us all away, is lonely, yet wants to be alone. I can only hope that like you, she will work it out in the desert space, which for her is her own home and privacy.

 

[WillyKat]

Wilderness of any kind is special to me. Started about the same time of my abuse at age 6. We had a small farm and I would go all the way out to the edge of our property and away from the abuser across the road and from my own family. Later, I took up backpacking and then going solo and then doing "vision quests" or "vision fasts" where I don't eat for 2 or 3 days.

For the record, no one should do this without the proper training, supervision, or a lot of experience. I have tons of both and I dot all the i's and cross all the t's and take survival gear, signalling gear, etc. If anyone is interested, read The Book of the Vision Quest by Foster and Little. They started a supervised vision quest thing called the School of Lost Borders in the California desert. They're expensive, so if you want a more affordable experience, see Earth Skills, also in California.