How To Open Up About Suicidal Thoughts

[Littlebirdy44]

I recently started therapy about two month ago and was diagnosed with c-ptsd. I've never been to therapy and honestly have been in denial about the unending trauma within my family thats still going on today. My question is how do i tell my new therapist i'm self medicating, self harming and thinking about suicide daily? One of my most traumatic experiences happened last christmas and family patterns are already starting to repeat themselves and I'm honestly terrified and constantly paranoid. My therapist is really great but I'm so new to opening up and every session i just shut down and talk about how good things are and she's thinks I'm doing so well and i don't want to let her down. Uhh this is so frustrating. I really just don't know what to do. I hope this all makes sense I feel so detached at the moment.

 

[MisterCatLady]

Therapists expect clients to paint a prettier picture than reality. Especially at first. If she's been in practice for even just a few years, you probably can't surprise her. Some therapists are touchy about suicidal ideation (for liability reasons) but every therapist knows it is par for the course. It is never a mistake to be honest with your therapist. If she's a good therapist, it'll strengthen the therapeutic relationship.

 

[Eagle3]

I actually couldn't talk about my own suicidal ideation, until my therapist told me his story of how suicidal he was when he started therapy 40+ years ago. It helped knowing he knew exactly what I was going through, because he'd been there too.

These guys have seen and heard it all...he was never disappointed in me, just compassionate and understanding. Even now, we can talk and even joke about suicidal tendencies and my pesky death wish. I'm not so scared of my own effed up brain anymore, since we both know I have the discipline and drive NOT to act on the thoughts or impulses. But I could never have gotten to this place if I hadn't talked to him, really opened up and been honest, about everything. It took time, and lots of it, before I felt safe enough to go certain places. But once I made the decision to be honest, everything clicked so much better. I had to work through almost a year of trauma and foundation-building before I could get to this point with my own T.

If you have a good therapist, they will help you through the hard times...that's pretty much why you pay them to talk with you. If you never really work on anything, why spend so much money?

 

[BlueOrange]

It's also worth noting that therapists (and many others) are specifically trained to handle suicidal thoughts.

It's likely that your therapist would be pleased by the fact that you feel able to talk about this difficult stuff.

 

[moomin]

Maybe show them this thread?

 

[Joan]

Is your therapist open to email at all? That sometimes is "easier"....or I have written a journal entry and taken it and just read from it without looking at my therapist at all....somehow having the words on paper to read is easier than trying to come up with the words when overwhelmed in presence of T. I think that even you bringing it up here is brave so be proud of yourself for that.

 

[ladee]

You can also write it down and hand to him. You may add in your note that you don't know if you are ready to talk about it just yet.
Your T will not be let down. That's why they do what they do.
Thank you for sharing with us. And each one of us support your healing efforts.
Gentle hugs if you accept.

 

[Littlebirdy44]

Thank you everyone! I was pretty overwhelmed earlier but managed to calm myself down. It's just interesting to me that I felt so confident in my ability to open up and receive help before starting therapy but once i really got into it I just started to freeze every time we began discussing any one of my traumas. I guess thats kind of an expected response with trauma but like i said this is all so new to me. I spent years shoving my emotions under the rug so i have A LOT to process and work on but I'm not giving up!

 

[Littlebirdy44]

I actually couldn't talk about my own suicidal ideation, until my therapist told me his story of how suici...

I keep thinking about that myself..If i'm going to pay for treatment I need to get the most out of it! Also did your therapist choose to open up first or did you ask? Sometimes I'm curious about why my therapist chose this profession but I feel like asking would step over boundaries.

 

[Littlebirdy44]

You can also write it down and hand to him. You may add in your note that you don't know if you are ready...

The thought of it terrifies me honestly but i know writing it down or emailing it to her is necessary at this point! Also thank you so much for your support, you all are so great!!!

 

[Eagle3]

I keep thinking about that myself..If i'm going to pay for treatment I need to get the most out o...

He opened up first, but it was to let me know I wasn't alone with this. He knows how much I HATE feeling like my therapist's therapist (its a trigger for me, actually), so he was careful with how he did it, but I'm glad he did.

Ask away! Most therapists use the question as a way to build a better relationship with the client, helps to humanize them a little bit. And if it bothers your T to talk about it, then at least now you know what the boundaries are instead of guessing all the time...