@Bristol1485 I told my long term partner a few months ago. I was surprised that I wanted to, when I started with therapy I was adamant that I wouldn't, I thought he would be the last person I would want to know but as the therapy progressed it felt more and more important that he should.
He knew I was seeing a therapist but I had been vague as to why, I was feeling guilty about keeping such a huge part of me from him and also feeling like I really needed more support. As the therapy became more challenging I was feeling very isolated so I hoped being more open would help. It also felt that it had been a secret for so long it was time for me to take control, I kept reading that shame lives in the darkness and I could no longer live in that place.
My advice would be (and please keep in mind these are only my thoughts, please take what suits and ignore the rest):
1. Pick a good time when you are together without distractions and can give each other your full attention. It is a big conversation, treat it with respect.
2. You are in control in how much you tell him and share. I would keep the conversation fairly general, he doesn't need to know everything, certainly not all at once anyway. There are some parts for me that there is no benefit to sharing, I don't feel he needs a detailed account of my memories. My partner knew some of the dynamics of my family so the conversation we had started along the lines of "You know I have been seeing a therapist and I feel I need to be a little more honest about why I am there. You know the relationship was difficult and he was a bully but actually there was a sexually abusive element too". It was a long conversation but that is all I really gave on the difficult details. You can have more coversations, you can let him in at a pace that feels right to you, you are in control.
3. Decide what you need from him. I told my partner I needed for for to listen, not to judge, to be calm. I explained I was in therapy to confront it, that it has been incredibly difficult but I didn't want to feel so alone anymore. If you explain what you need from him there is going to be a far greater chance he will be able to provide that than if you don't. Have a think about how you want him to support you in this, what would be beneficial?
4. Be aware that he is human. It is going to be hard for him to take on. The woman he loves has been horribly hurt, that is going to difficult. He might not know what to say, or how to help. My partner has struggled with this, I know I have his support, but I also feel that he will never quite understand but that's ok. If you've not been through it I don't think you'll ever quite get 'it'. One person is unlikely to be able to offer you everything, it is more likely your healing will come from a variety of sources, from the hard and incredible work you've been doing with your therapist, from the amazing people on this forum who do just get 'it' and maybe with support and more openness with your husband.
Always listen to your gut, go with what that is telling you, if you don't want to you don't have to tell him anything. And again, these are only my thoughts, obviously every situation is different and I certainly am not telling you what to do, just what helped for me. Maybe discuss it with your therapist, they know more about the nuances of your history and relationship, maybe they could offer some advice.
I have no regrets in telling my partner, it was really tough but it feels freer not having such a secret in our relationship. It really is true that shame lives in the shadows, I feel proud of myself for taking control and bringing it out. Maybe that will help for you too.
If I can help in any way please just say. I'm sending lots of positivity your way.
