I'm So Sorry.

[AngelKeeperJ]

:hug: (((lonelyone82))) :hug:

 

[VioletButterfly]

Sidebar: @JadesJewel - That's what I'm working on keeping in mind too as I sort so much stuff out on my own without my addictions. Still have one on board, but am glad to have the alcohol out of the picture for the time being. Life is so much clearer without it. Thinking back, it was kind of like passive, but active, suicide. Breathing gratitude right now. Thank you for your on point post.

I am grateful for your post while you were drinking lonelyone82 (not for your drinking while you are depressed - distinction vs. extinction - for you reminded me that I even with the hell I am currently finally now trying to deal with in EMDR Therapy - that without food, excess spending, sex, alcohol, drugs (weed, valium, etc.) I am learning to try to find an ounce of gratitude to be breathing and vertical rather than forever horizontal on the other side after drinking during extreme depression .

 

[Deleted member 37085]

Sidebar: @JadesJewel - That's what I'm working on keeping in mind too as...

@VioletButterfly - tearing a bit this moment after reading your sidebar; precious one as I too have an addiction or two still; and the food disorder nearly this year became the killer addiction (emergency colon surgery on 7/6 and minus now significant part of colon (sigmoid). And, this horrific food addiction may always be metaphorically and figuratively scratching at my always opened (must eat to live) door. Food - (we) I have to eat to live;and I was living to eat to numb all that lies beneath. And it is so hard to put the spoon, the fork, the hand down and walk out of the kitchen and into the living room without bringing food with me. Struggling so. And my brain is always telling me that I can drink without going out to get the gun to blow my brains out. And that is what would happen for me, maybe not after the next drinking binge, or the next one; and yet, it would eventually happen, as it has occurred many times over and I have and again would end up cut all up; in the e.r., and on the threshold of dying from two of my used to be - very best friends - food and drink beloved Violetbutterfly.

And although, I do not bring my food addiction trigger foods into my place where I live; yet I still find it so hard each and every day to not start again to stuff food down in order to only temporarily numb ptsd pain. Even for only for that one last excessive food bite, and/or for that one certain drink (one is too many, 1000 never enough). For, If I drank again, and only speaking of my case, I most likely from previous drinking history would not be able to coherently and persuasively reason myself out of what would probably be my last suicide - attempt (fatal).

And I prayed to God earlier in the past year to help me re: food and now if I overeat - my stomach hurts and swells unbelievably among other serious issues, and if I under-eat - my brain tends to want to black out - perfect results, just like God (not preaching). Prayed about weight and I dropped from 304 over a period down to 170 current. I asked Him - no I begged Him to help me stop drinking (and attempting) and He answered these prayers as well; as well as fervent prayers to stop smoking, toking, drugging, sexing; mostly all of it as each addiction rears it's ugly head. I am so grateful that you @VioletButterfly share when able from your deepest part of you, as also @SheilaKathy does this as well, along with the very transparent and pain-filled recent post by @lonelyone82 in his thread - I'm so sorry. So thankful for the members on this loving yet very sobering, healing, and recovering forum we are here for one another; each of us truly do speak a deeply hidden foreign language only to those who do not have ptsd. And this language was learned by us over many years of extreme pain and struggling. many of us here are facing it (ptsd) head on now in recovery.

For @VioletButterfly drinking and my other addictions always worked for me for so many years, numbing what I did not know that lied beneath - being still - a small and near fatally broken little girl - no core/identity; no love to give much less receive, who was near fatally taught to believe sex was love, and love was sex. So grateful for myptsd.com forum. Hugs and Cuddles JadesJewel. .

 

[lonelyone82]

I can relate to addictions too. It wasn't until I found other coping mechanisms that I wasn't self destructing on alcohol medication gambling and sometimes random men. I prefer church, yoga and walking in the park now. I was very impulsive back then and reckless. I was thinking today about all of these challenges and somehow was able to feel greatful for them. They were bad experiences, but now I can see differently through many different parts of life. I am not judgemental and more compassionate and worldly. I sense all of you are too from your experience and growth. Sadly, there is a street about a 15 minute walk from my house and it is filled with tents, drugs, pain ,overdoses and broken dreams. That could be anyone myself included had I not been given grace today. So I guess being grateful for pulling through and having the opportunity to overcome these challenges is something that I should appreciate. Even though there are still challenges I'm greatful for the times I can still experience, and still be here. :)

 

[Deleted member 37085]

I can relate to addictions too. It wasn't until I found other coping mechanisms that I wasn't self...

@lonelyone82 But for the G.R.A.C.E. of God - go I. I too could be in tent, on that street, thank you for your encouraging words. I have not arrived, and still struggle with addictions - some that are at fingertips reach and some I can only try and keep these addictions at bay and away from me. I was taught no life skills and not taught by "caregivers" how to traverse, and connect with myself and other people in this world. Iwas never taught to love and how to receive love. I thought sex was love - tragically and love was sex. I am trying to stop labeling myself horrible labels that are connected to my past history and violent trauma and torture. There is a poem called "Survivor Psalm" on the web I will type it here for this poem continues to help me at times to process how "caregivers" nearly destroyed my core (self) - for I was raised by monsters (whom I have forgiven - yet still have rage for what they did to me and not for me). I care about you, oh yes, I so do care about you @lonelyone82. JadesJewel

Survivor Psalm by: Frank Ochberg, M.D.

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[ladee]

Gentle hugs @JadesJewel .

 

[Deleted member 37085]

Gentle hugs @JadesJewel .

warm snuggles and cozy cuddles @ladee (((hugs))). JadesJewel