Relationship How Common Is It For Supporters To Be Temporarily Vilified?

[Gs172003]

Oh god yes... when he is stressed and lashing out I'm every manner of dumbass in existence, have mul...

Hahahahahaha!! That cracked me up

 

[Gs172003]

I divorce my husband a few times a month. At least.

I'm working on it

 

[grimalkin]

I'm glad we can all admit our roles in the downfall of society. :P

Our current crisis involves a lot of vilifying - everything has always been wrong, forever, and it's all my fault. Because I wouldn't listen to him about x, y, and/or z. And our relationship isn't even worth salvaging because I will never value him or what he has to say to me. And if we've had so many problems before, why did I even stay if it was so bad? So I'm obviously being manipulative, and maybe even gaslighting him. And I'm too controlling, I have to have my own way about everything, don't know how to compromise, and I am a bad driver. An incredibly SAFE driver. But a bad driver. Because there's a difference.

There is a lot of hypervigilance, deflection, and projection happening right now. It's painful and frustrating, especially since he is in a phase where he hasn't decided if he wants to stay, if our relationship has ever been worth it, and he doesn't know if he loves me or wants to get help. Right now, he wants to be alone, forever, where it's safe.

I may be fattening, too.

 

[StormySea]

The cycle goes like this I feel stressed > he was insensitive to my stress > therefore he adds to my stress > I feel he is to blame for my stress (not trying to defend or say it is logical, it just is) > I shift my focus from other stressors to what he is doing that is stressing me.

I can totally relate to that line of reasoning because I've experienced it myself. Also, you know how our brains do things to protect us. I could see it as a survival move by our brain to justify pushing away someone who we associate with stress.

 

[StormySea]

I appear to receive the opposite my sufferer (currently awol and shut down) has never raised his voi...

Mine has also never raised his voice to me, said a bad word or blamed me for anything. He's a total gentleman. The only reason I know he at least temporarily vilifies me is because of what he says when he comes back. He always has some revelation that makes him realize I'm not crazy, or I'm a good person, or he realizes he was to blame, etc. I just wish it didn't take him so long to get there. :(

That's so sad your supporter feels that way, but fortunate for you that he does it without vilifying you. What he says would make it much easier for me to be more compassionate than hurt and angry. If you don't mind my asking, how far along is he in his recovery and what is the general nature of his trauma? Is it complex PTSD?

 

[Amack]

@tiredtexan Oh no, I thought I may have been safe! I assume I'll be to blame f...

:tup::D:D:D:woot::woot::laugh::laugh::laugh: Now that is funny!!! we all need a good lol

 

[Amack]

I divorce my husband a few times a month. At least.

I'm working on it

OH, gosh if I only I could take back the thoughts and times I have been divorced in this marriage........ working on it too.

 

[TheMinsterman]

I have to admit I am starting to become highly dubious if the temporarily part of the thread title. It honestly feels permanent half of the time.

I am pretty sure at this stage I am the resurrected Frankenstein corpse of Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot, Genghis Khan and Vlad the Impaler who is responsible for every atrocity known under the sun in some capacity. I'm fairly sure I am responsible for ISIS most days, I'm also implicated in the iceberg that sunk the Titanic (I am guessing it's my fault the fire was left to weaken the integrity of the hull) and I am fairly sure that Donald Trump is my fault.

You've got to laugh, or you'll just curl up in a ball and scheme your evil plots I guess!

 

[dulcia]

I may be fattening, too.

I'm fattening too!! Who knew beer gut was a symptom of spending too much time with me. Ah, the things we learn....

 

[dulcia]

I have to admit I am starting to become highly dubious if the temporarily part of the thread title. It honestly feels permanent half of the time.

For me, it only becomes permanent if I let it. When my SO goes off on a vilifying tangent, it's almost comical at this point because the things he says are so absurd and so far from the truth (even though sometimes it takes me a minute to come to this conclusion because he knows my biggest insecurities and knows how to extort them when escalated) that it's almost as if his words can't touch me. If I dwell on it afterwards? It's going to hurt my feelings, not his. If I keep bringing it up afterwards? It's going to upset him and then my feelings will get hurt. If I play his game and vilify back? I'll regret it and feel bad and/or he'll vilify more cruelly and then I'll feel even worse.

I know I'm awesome, so I'm good there. Some of the time he knows it too.

 

[questionsaboutrel]

For me, it only becomes permanent if I let it. When my SO goes off on a vilifying tangent, it's almo...

Yes, I feel this way too. I sometimes feel like I have a hard time discerning what are actually logical differences between us just because we come from somewhat "different" worlds (for example, he's more conservative and I'm more liberal) and what is just totally irrational nonsense. I think a lot about if I were to show some of the things he says to me to some of his friends - who ARE from the same world as him, just as conservative, etc. - and how shocked they would be that he would speak to me like that. Of course, I would never do that, it's just something that I think about to keep me grounded. Often the tirades about what's wrong with me are so outrageous, I can't really keep up with it.

He's trying to be good about asking for space when he's so incensed against me lately, but the problem is, he doesn't take it. "I need a break from you because I can't deal with how you're XYZ." "Okay, I love you, I'll talk to you when you're ready." "See, I wouldn't need it if you..." and he keeps going on the vilifying train. That's something that needs to change.

 

[TheMinsterman]

Yes, I feel this way too. I sometimes feel like I have a hard time discerning what are actual...

This hit such a nail on the head for me. My SO keeps listing all the things I've done and I am always understanding and I actively offer her space... but she won't take it, and if she does it's just to stew and come back with more problems, not solutions.