Does Anyone Else Feel Like The Past Keeps Piling Up?

[turtlemoon]

I am in CBT after sexual assault. We have talked a good deal about my abusive upbringing, and on one hand I feel like I have made some progress.

On the other, I feel caught in an avalache. There is so much here to sort out. Things that I have never forgotten, and then things that I have all but forgotten but beginning to realize had an impact.

It makes my head spin. I dread going back to my workbook and journal, and feel depression setting in. Struggling with how to proceed, how to organize and make sense of it all. Does anyone have any input?

 

[One step at a time]

Yes, I definitely have had that feeling of an avalanche - everything crashing down on me, each thing I try to explore bringing more new stuff with it, and everything adding up to more than I can stand. For me, it was partly because I was pushing really hard - I wanted to deal with everything I could think of, immediately. And that just wasn't possible. My T helped me learn how to slow down, tolerate my distress, and put things in my back pocket as much as I was able whenever I was trying to go about my day. Then, in therapy, I do my best to pull out one thing at a time to talk about, and if doing so triggers an avalanche, it happens in-session where my T can help me deal with it.

This is all way easier said than done, but your T may be able to help you develop specific tools that make these things easier to do. I guess I'd recommend talking to your T about strategies for slowing down, living with and acknowledging the pain, and not letting it take center stage in day-to-day life.

 

[turtlemoon]

Sounds like I should bring this up with my T. Add that to the list...

And I am pushing myself, but then again my assault happened over 6 months ago and I am still a trainwreck. This is taking too long. I have lost too much of my life to what others have done to me and I need to get over this before my entire world goes (further) down in flames.

You can imagine how much that kinda pressure helps. :/

 

[One step at a time]

Yep, sounds a lot like what I spent (spend?) a whole lot of time telling myself.

But six months is not taking too long. This stuff is hard and it takes time. Honestly, I think I lost at least five months just to having pushed too hard, and having to back up, slow down even more, and rebuild.

Sending support

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

Compartmentalize what your doing in therapy and on your own, it helps to manage it all.

 

[Jim Me]

Yep, sounds a lot like what I spent (spend?) a whole lot of time telling myself.

But six mo...

I definitely know that feeling of it taking too long. I can't blame you for that feeling.
Trauma, retraumatization, and complex trauma are really stubborn without treatment. But there's definite progress. I worked on mine for years without knowing I could even call my problem "trauma."
I'm sorry you're down "moments" are so severe right now. I think it will pay off over the weeks and over the longer term, and I agree with anyone who has said that maybe the therapy should be paced up and down based on how you're feeling each time.

 

[Jim Me]

I meant to say "without or even with treatment."

 

[ladee]

I do understand how you feel. Just like you I wanted all of this out..on the table..talked about,cried about then swept into the garbage can so I could get on with my life.
I really wished it worked that way...for all of us.
But for me it was like this unending spider web where this connected to that and that had other stuff to deal with other stuff. Make sense?
My T had a time getting me to focus . I know I didn't make her job any easier. And I was a perpetual train wreck.
She taught me how to slow down...take it slower. Focus on the work we were doing. And then I was able to make real progress.
I know that feeling of wanting to get it behind you. But you are going to read here over and over it takes time.
I wish it wasn't so hard for us. But you aren't alone and we do understand the frusrations and the need to get done with it all.
All I have for you is experience and gentle hugs if you accept.

 

[Astrid_Shadow]

I hate feeling caught in an avalanche so I know what its like. Things take a lot of time but I try taking baby steps. Its really hard to overcome but with the right support behind you, you can do anything. I hope we can help. No matter how small. Hugs if you accept :hug:

 

[turtlemoon]

Thank you everyone. I actualy just got the PTSD diagnosis about a week ago. It helps in a way, knowing were to focus my research on, where to go for help. I hadn't realized before this what I was dealing with. Joined the forum the same day. I have missed a ton of work, and now I am realizing there are several other major things I had thought I had resolved, but really only burried. I am starting to strongly suspect I have disaociated my way through large parts of my life. Also... I am just plain scared. I need to get back to work soon. I can't keep living like this. Thanks again for your kind words. It really does help.

 

[Astrid_Shadow]

Anything we can do to help, we'll do it. Your not alone. We will all stand by you. Through thick and thin. Hugs :hug:

 

[Freedomfighter]

I am in CBT after sexual assault. We have talked a good deal about my abusive upbringing, and on one...

Try EMDR and grounding sessions free on You Tube, helps. Also when depression sets in try to listen to the serotonin music pieces on You Tube, they influence your brain chemistry in amazing ways.