Has Anyone Come Out Of A Controlling Relationship And They Feel Awkward Etc All The Time?

[elektriknathan]

Hello.

I have been surrounded by toxic religion and toxic individuals for most of my life. I made the break from religion in general in 2016 and made the break from the toxic people in concrete terms (fully ignoring them and moving forward) in 2017, this year. In fact, it was my new years resolution to cut all ties with them because they're just horrible: they dogmatically tell you the way everything is (but their version of it which is skewed by toxic religion), they have extreme narcissism. It was horrible but it is in the past now.

I was told everything (how to think, what to think, when to think it, what my musical tastes should be, how i would order a steak: everything) from the age of 0 and they even tried doing it to me when I was 14 and I told them to get lost and relentlessly kept telling me (even still would try to). It was told over and over to me to try to brainwash me into their mode of thinking and become their robot

Now I feel like I second guess myself, I feel like I have no idea if I feel normal or unwell, I suffer from PTSD and agoraphobia. All I've known is someone telling me what I feel what I think. I feel like I need to get constant advice from people and that I need someone to dogmatically tell me what is what (even though I know I don't need it)

My question to the forum is this, has anyone else experienced this and does anyone else feel this way? How have you handled it or eliminated it?

Thanks

 

[Kintsugi]

I really relate to this feeling. I told my T that I feel like I'm so compartmentalized and so eager to please people that it's like I'm a garage full of car parts (personality aspects), and if someone came to me and needed some parts useful to them, I could produce them, but I feel like if I put all the parts together, I don't have a whole car. Like, I don't have a complete sense of personhood to offer, just contrived aspects that I throw together depending on who I'm trying to please.

I don't know if that made a lick of sense or how to better explain.

 

[hodge]

I also relate to all your feelings, even though I haven't experienced the particulars you have.How I handled it? Tons of therapy and finally giving myself permission to look out for myself. It took decades. I hope it doesn't for you.

 

[Justmehere]

I read an article recently (can't find the link) that was about non-traumatic upbringings, and how when parents made too many decisions for their kids, the kids grow up to be very indecisive and unsure adults. Smothering and telling a child what to do think and feel all the time means they don't develop the ability to do that on their own, and don't develop the ability to know mistakes in decisions are survivable and one can learn from them... until they are suddenly an adult, and have to figure it all out then. And that's without the added imprinting of a fear of making one's own decisions that comes with trauma and abuse.

I used to get stressed out at the grocery store over what bread to buy or at the shoe store about what shoes to get.

I used to not even know what color I liked. Same with religion, politics, etc.

Over time, I worked on letting go of my need to have exactly the right things and the right beliefs, and I tried out different ideas, different beliefs, and yes, different types of shoes and bread... and I am figuring out what fit and didn't fit me. Like a kid would do - only in adulthood.

Working on integrating the childhood trauma has helped me also find me, a more solid version of me anyhow. That's made it a lot easier in a way I never quite expected and didn't think was possible.

I still get sick over all kinds of things, and I am consistently awkward, but it's less hard, less stressful. And I figured out I don't like loves of any kind of bread. Tortillas are my thing.

 

[elektriknathan]

I really relate to this feeling. I told my T that I feel like I'm so compartmentalized and so eager...

I get what you're saying. I dont have people pleasing but I feel like I am empty inside and I do not know who I am even though I do things I like (such as typing on this forum. Typing is an interest of mine but I do not feel connected to it)

My main thing I feel daily is "am I ok? is this normal what I feel?" because all I have known for nearly 30 years is
Someone giving me grief, someone messing up my life (literally), something horrible happening

Even now, nothing bad is happening and is highly unlikely but I think na nah can't be true something bad will happen

I also relate to all your feelings, even though I haven't experienced the particulars you have.How I handle...

I do not think it will take that long for me. All the therapists I've seen have told me I have good self awareness. It's horrible.

I read an article recently (can't find the link) that was about non-traumatic upbringings, and how w...

Beautiful post, spot on.
I had no safe haven from the onslaught so I know what you are saying
When I tried to be independent, I was critiqued by everyone in my family. Absurd
I know a bit about myself but I am learning more and more and no longer compartmentalizing myself
We can over come all this
What has helped me immensely is knowing my parents and others in my childhood were wrong and misguided people and what I am doing is right and it's not about me, it's what happened to me

 

[lux.]

Given the brainwashing you experienced, it is no surprise that you are experiencing a lot of doubt in your own thoughts and feelings and constantly second-guessing yourself. I'd be really surprised if you weren't.

I did not go through anything like that--I was not even brought up with religion--but I feel somewhat similar. Mostly I guess I'm just really insecure, so I don't like to venture an opinion on anything for fear of saying the wrong thing. The only exception is politics: I am very political and believe deeply in my political opinions, but they are echoed by pretty much everyone close to me, so that isn't hard. I rely on my mother's advice and opinions a lot, even though I have so many issues with her. I just have no real friends, so she is pretty much the only person for me to go to. For instance, right now I am looking to move, and I found some apartments that looked good, but I didn't contact them yet because I wanted to ask her about them, even though I know she's going to veto them for no good reason.

I had a full day of psych testing done over the summer--it elucidated a lot, but it was grueling and I was terrified to take the Rorschach. It tested for various forms of dissociation and it said that I had "identity confusion." I don't remember the doctor's full explanation of what that meant (I think because I dissociated during it...irony), but it had to do with taking on the opinions of others and some other things. A quick explanation I got from a different doctor, having not seen the full report but just knowing the term, was that my personality changes depending on my mood, who I'm with, where I am, etc.

So I don't fully know what that meant, but I really feel like I have no idea who I am. It's really hard to explain this feeling, but it's a really deep and pervasive feeling. I imagine that other people have more fully-formed senses of self, and when I'm asked to describe myself or my personality, I'm at a loss.

I don't really know how to overcome this. For you, I think it will come with time away with time and practice. I was not actually brainwashed, so I think it'll be different for me. My biggest problem is not knowing how to feel my feelings. The feelings are still in there somewhere, but most of the time, if you ask me how I feel, I can only identify good, bad, or ok. I'm better at it now, but through a lot of work. I was recently in the hospital for 6 weeks, and every day I carried a notebook, and every 30 minutes I would write down how I felt. I carried a feelings wheel (I tried to link to it but can't; do a google image search for "feelings wheel" and there are a bunch) with it to try to pinpoint a feeling. It didn't help that much, but it got me into the practice of trying, at least. But I still can never identify bodily sensations. Also, mindfulness is helpful to take a few moments to sit quietly with yourself and really search inward. I haven't practiced it enough yet, but I think it will be more helpful as I do it more.

Sorry I can't be of more help. I hope that at least hearing from others who understand is helpful.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Working through this myself. I'm working very hard on staying present, keeping the fact v. my feelings straight, and working on my identity and confidence. Also, changing up thought and behavior patterns. Learning coping and grounding techniques. What seems to be helping at this point is self compassion, working with my thought patterns and core beliefs to try to make changes to what was imprinted early on so that I can define who I am and what my boundaries are, re-parenting as part of the thought/action patterns re-work and identity, and being mindful (especially when stressed and freaking out over decisions), and a great deal of journaling. There is a lot of good information out here, so please keep searching and reading, and asking questions.

 

[Gs172003]

I read an article recently (can't find the link) that was about non-traumatic upbringings, and how w...

And that is why I refused to raise my kids that way.

 

[Freedomfighter]

Hello.

I have been surrounded by toxic religion and toxic individuals for most of my life. I m...

Before PTSD I was a people person, now Iam very different, not a loss most of the time.

You have now just eliminated toxic people in your life, it will take a while for you to find yourself. Give yourself some time and you will find out who you are and what you want.

 

[Eagle3]

I grew up in the same religious upbringing, but I never got the chance to rebel (my last spanking happened at the age of 18). I finally got to move out in my early 30's, and the that did so much good when it came to individualization! I realized I was right all along, I know who I am and who I am is a good thing, even if my parents think my own self-identity is evil. I've since had to move back in with them, so all the old patterns of thought are re-emerging, but I'm trying so hard to keep some semblance of my found independence, even if I can't exercise it much!

So yeah, I know almost exactly how you feel. My T has said that we're going to have to start rebuilding some self-confidence, almost from Ground Zero. He didn't sound too enthusiastic about that, it must be so much harder if I can't feel any sense of accomplishment in anything I do. Which so far, its pretty minimal, but there is a little spark of it in there. I guess that's something to work with...

All about the small steps and forward progress...Good luck with your journey, I hope it goes smoother than mine has so far :-)

 

[DrCreative27]

Same kind of thing in my life: my parents tried to control with fear and shame - very effective. Then my (ex) husband tried the physical route, but discovered I was tougher than him :-D so went the religious route...

My first steps to getting free were fights with my ex over housekeeping- just because my parents did it this way doesn't mean I have to was my mantra for a long time.

When I was diagnosed with PTSD and acknowledged the abuse and memories that just didn't jive, I went from feeling shadowy and nonexistent (unless someone told me what my role was) to at least feeling like I existed... which is the foundation on which I started exploring the world like it is new.... because it was. I had never experienced the world as my own person.

It has been 6 years since my diagnosis. I still ask "is this normal" several times every day. But now it's like a puzzle - observing and putting together the pieces. What is real? What was a lie from past relationships? What do i want? What truths and lies do I believe?

My biggest successes have come from a) new city, new friends, new habits. Left my family behind as much as possible. B) I discovered I have an artistic streak that gives me a strong sense of power and energy - which I couldn't find in my past, anxiety-filled life. C) I challenge myself to scary things often, for the purpose of observing (and bouncing those ideas off of my therapist.) I do these things out of a sense of curiosity (what is normal?) more than a senose of accomplishment.

Even now... my fiancé and I are at odds because the plans for our wedding are not coming together as planned. I'm a little terrified that he's sabotaging the wedding... which doesn't make any sense, but I I don't know anything else to believe.

Best of luck finding your feet - it's never too late to start!

 

[Deleted member 38644]

Actually I just told someone this. I feel weird and awkward in new beginnings because I'm so used to the old ways of bad happenings. getting adjusted to the way you want to feel weird.