Fear of poverty is making me sick

[SeekingAfrica]

This may be more venting than asking for help, as I am not sure anyone can help with this. I used to get really bad anxiety about not getting enough money(still better than social anxiety I get at work, so I ended up freelancing and I love it-most of the time) to the point where I was completely unable to work- I was working at the end something like 5h/week. So I went to therapy, and now it's a year later and I got a lot better at managing that feeling and taking action no matter what. But that was before.
A month ago I broke up and moved out of my boyfriend of 5 years place, and at the same time by unexpected circumstances lost 80% of my workflow of clients. I have no savings. I gave up therapy for now because I can't pay for it and no insurance here would cover it. At least I have meds but they are low dose, they just kind of lower my anxiety generally, but not for panic attacks.
I figured I'll be calm and just take it one step at a time, but it's not working. For few weeks, I've borrowed, did small jobs, sold some stuff I could, worked on products to sell and looked for clients. I've almost managed this month, rent, bills and all, almost. Still taking it one step at a time.

But I still haven't gotten a new client, and those things that I did this month are not limitless. There are only so many people I can borrow from, stuff to sell and so on. The small jobs I'm getting were okay for this month, but even if I did them all the time(which would be pointeless because I would have time to search for something better), they would only cover half of what I need. I'm running out of time and options. I have a LOT of options, I just don't know if any of them will work in month's time. And I need to get paid earlier than that anyways to be able to get food and transportation. So yeah...I'm scared.

And the worst part is, I have this huge fear of being in this state, being frugal and almost broke and never knowing if I can pay the next bill. My parents were like me once and they got in that state and they have been living like this for 30 years. I was supposed to do better. And today I woke up so scared of not making it next month, that I can't think or calm down enough to know even where to start, do I look for work, make more items to try to sell online, try to promote them, try to find something to sell(I don't have much so it's all 3-5$ sales max) or like what do I do? And my mind starts to go in circle with "what do I do, and what if all this works but I don't get paid on time, what if I have work but no way to pay for anything for weeks and weeks". Uh...I'm sorry, I'm just so scared today and it's not the time to be scared, I need to take action.

 

[The Albatross]

Glad to read you almost made it this month, almost ... and that you're still taking it one step at a time.

Scared, is understandable under the circumstances... however giving over to it rendering yourself unable to keep going is something else. Prayers over you Seeking for that new client to materialize. Conflating your situation with what you're parents lived with for 30 years well, if it's assistive it's one heck of a motivator... if it's detrimental and destructive... then keep your focus on YOUR issue in the present and quit the comparrisons.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Glad to read you almost made it this month, almost ... and that you're still taking it one step at...

Thank you! Actually now I made it- paying the last bill tomorrow and then rent Monday, so all paid off, but I have barely anything that will be left for food or transport. Thankfully I have some pantry stuff left- bit of rice, pasta, etc., so with some additions I will make it.

However, yes, the parents stuff, is right now more detrimental. Also I'm eating less and juggling what I eat so that is stretches until I get some money(next Friday or Wednesday) and that is also a bit of a trigger for me. I'm trying to still do some stuff through the day, and keep trying, same things, applying for jobs, selling small things here and there and so on...But I'm starting to feel fatigued all the time(either from the lack of enough nourishing food, or from anxiety, which does tend to happen). And also with all the juggling of food and bills it's so hard to concentrate on the job search. I started having panic attacks once a day too, not good.

Yesterday I was in bed frozen for hours, finally in the evening I got up and managed to be very productive in short time. Today I was productive in the morning, but then mid-day I got exhausted and panicky again. I keep thinking with some creative thinking I'll stretch the food until Monday, but not sure what I will do after. This whole process is exhausting. I'm hoping something changes soon. It has to, right? If I keep pushing forward...

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

Are there any gardeners/fruit orchards/farmers near by you can get to know and offer to help out a couple times a week for a few hours in exchange for food? They LOVE having folks eager to help and learn show up wanting to lend a hand and are typically very generous in their offerings, and often invite you for a meal while you're there. At least the ones in my hood do. Any soup kitchens, food related events, or food banks you can offer to help out with to also be able to partake in the meals, or just to get some meals even if you can't help?

Some of the dollar stores have frozen fruits and veggies now. Be sure to check the discount racks in the produce area and make friends with the produce peeps. Ethnic markets tend to have larger discount offerings in my area. Many big stores save that stuff to donate to the food banks. Ask them if they have any over-ripe stuff that hasn't been discounted yet. Some will go out of their way to find something if approached, while others will look at you like you're crazy. lol

Maybe even check smaller cafes, farmers' markets, and restaurants to see if they'd barter some food in exchange for a few hours of help a couple times a week, if you have any interest in that kind of thing. That opens up opportunities for more networking to sell whatever you make or share skills/products/time in exchange for things that meet your needs, too. Are there any spaces to forage for wild free food where you are? Know anyone knowledgeable to show you some good spots? Lots of greens and berries can be had in a forest walk if you know what to safely look for and where. Most folks who know that kind of stuff enjoy paying it forward if asked.

When I resigned from my job to save my health several years ago, I did much of the above to lessen the strain of the loss of my full-time income on my husband. I was no longer making as much, if anything at times, but I also was no longer spending like I used to. After living in a huge space of lack much of my life, and experiencing homelessness for a while, when I started making a decent income, I often "treated" myself to many things I didn't realize were harming me all along, and it sacred the shit out of me to feel that sense of impending loss and doom created by my need to simply try like hell to protect my health.

That's when I also learned to make my own hygiene, laundry and cleaning products to lessen expenditures even more, and improved my health more than I ever imagined by doing so, along with drastic overall consumption habits. Therapy is also free now (and more valuable than all the paid ones combined) as I discovered the local shelter for sexual and domestic abuse offers free services to those who qualify, along with a support group, and qualifying had nothing to do with income, only experiences.

I hope something in that giant wall of text is helpful in your pursuits. Take good care and I wish you wellness in your pursuits.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Are there any gardeners/fruit orchards/farmers near by you can get to know and offer to help...

Thank you so much for the long answer! I actually figured out that the last 2 days I usually feel calmer and more clear-headed after I write my fears in here. Perhaps I should start journaling daily again to vent out all this pent up stress.

As far as your suggestions go, none of them I can apply directly. There are no food banks or anything similar here as far as I'm aware...I'm mid-urban area so no trees that produce anything useful, and I don't know any stores or anything I could make deals with- though that is something that may be possible, perhaps so I'll look around. Even if I don't find it now, I guess it won't hurt to have some extra food or resources next month.

But even though all these suggestions don't directly help, they did get me to think more creatively. I got few more ideas on how to extend the food that I do have for the next few days and ways to combine things to get more nutrition. Also I'm considering walking to save on bus tickets some of the days. It will be long walks, but it's an option. In the meantime I'll continue working to make sure I receive something mid-next week, and I'll try to figure out some more tiny things that can be put on sale for now.

None of this is ideal, but hey, I'm still managing. I've managed many times I didn't know how I would in the last weeks, and I'm restraining myself from asking my ex to help, which I'm really proud of. I'm sure if I have no other choice and I really ask him he would help, but he already helped me with moving out a lot and it's not his job to help me anymore. So I'm proud I'm managing without asking him even when I feel like I can't manage the next thing. It's nice to discover that somehow, someway, I'm still managing. And hopefully in few weeks things will be a lot better.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

@Tornadic Thoughts if you can think of any more frugal ideas or creative ways to get more money or barter or whatnot, please white them on here, I can certainly use the help at this time. Although I am getting more creative than I thought I can be in stretching the resources I have :). But more help is always welcomed!

 

[Crow]

Hey @SeekingAfrica are you in the US? Knowing your country/continent might help with suggestions.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

if you can think of any more frugal ideas or creative ways to get more money or barter or whatnot, please white them on here, I can certainly use the help at this time.

Some things I do in exchange for goods and/or services:

Child care
Pet sitting
Offering rides
Lawn care
Cook and prep food
Grocery shop for those too busy to do their own
Treasure hunting at thrift and consignment shops for folks too busy to go look for things themselves
Domestic chores - help with laundry, dishes, sweeping and mopping, vacuuming, etc.
Project assistance - rearranging spaces, organizing spaces, cleaning out spaces, painting spaces, art projects, community projects, etc.
Gardening help - also trade produce we grow for things we don't grow
Foraging help - also trade things I forage for other things I don't have
Trade home made hula hoops for goods and services and often just give some away to spread joy
Farmers' market vending to help a friend in exchange for food
Make cleaning and hygiene products in exchange for other products I don't make, yet

It took a long time for me to be comfortable and confident enough to offer my skills, as I didn't really feel like I had any worth all that much to others. It took the kindness and continual coaxing of others to help me recognize I have many abilities that others greatly value, even in the least of things. Learning to balance my energies with what was being offered was the trickiest. I wanted to do ALL the things, especially after getting much of my health back, but quickly learned the importance of pacing myself.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Some things I do in exchange for goods and/or services:

Thank you! I have the same issue with confidence in my abilities, and I guess it's just my issue, because often it doesn't matter if I'm talking about easy or complex ability (cleaning etc, graphic design and other things I've learned...all at the same level of doubt)

Hey @SeekingAfrica are you in the US? Knowing your country/continent might help with suggestions.

No, I'm not- Serbia. Was in different country, still in Eastern Europe before. Either way, Balkans. To be honest I've spend most of my working years working online and now I find it a lot harder to offer services in person(comes with the social anxiety too). Also of course anything here that I can get as side/part-time/extra job is highly underpaid. But I guess if it's needed I'll have to manage my issues and get some extra local work too.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Do you have a local buy/sell site or newspaper? I've noticed that in ours, many people will advertise a service or item in exchange for another service or item, or for pay. The barter system is booming!

 

[Deleted member 33052]

SeekingAfrica, what about your national mental health and or disability programs? I did a bit of research and it looks like there may be some sort assistance available...

 

[SeekingAfrica]

SeekingAfrica, what about your national mental health and or disability programs? I did a bit of re...

Doesn't exactly apply to me though, as I am not a "native" in the country I'm in so a lot of those things I can't apply for.

As far as free mental health options, the ones that I managed to find are all the the native language, which I do speak, but still at conversational level, hardly at the level at which I would need for therapy. There used to be one European Union program that did have English speaking therapist I used to go to, but they ended up very flaky. They would cancel appointments without notifying me until I'm already there, tell me they'll reschedule and never write/call back, so after few attempts at rescheduling I stopped going there because it was just doing more damage, as I need therapist I can rely on.

I will keep looking for options, but it's tough, as for me, it needs to be available to anyone, not just citizens, but foreigners too. As well as, for now it still has to be in English.