My 1st attempt at dating with ptsd

[CoffeeCat]

SO. Where to begin.

Timeline I guess to give you an idea of what's going on, might be helpful.
1996-2012 - shitty relationships & various abuse
2012 - Met abuser & Entered into relationship
2013-2014 - Endured abuse, poverty, drug addiction & isolation
End of 2014 - Escaped & Moved into Parents house
2015-2017 Diagnosed with PTSD, accepting, Healing, making small bits of progress, starting to be happy with where I am with healing. 100MG Sertraline & Medical Cannabis

April 2017 - Sweet guy well known by family & friends asked me out on date, I agreed.
We've gone on several dates since & been somewhat intimate.

Now here is the issue.

I'M TERRIFIED. We aren't moving too fast, I see him maybe twice a week. But I still can't wrap my head around dating. I've never really dated, just jumped into relationship and starting to date at 27 is a little overwhelming.

What do people usually do? How should a healthy relationship progress? Is there like a time chart? Like a guideline? Help.

I'm also very apprehensive about intimate touch. I'm covered in scars and cuts, I have some that haven't healed yet from me picking at them and feel so uncomfortable in my own skin.
Some how managed to have sex anyway?????? Not sure if it was 1/2 disassociation of what but it happened. So now I have a guy who wants to come over & hang out often and thinks we're cool to have sex, which I'm not sure if I am or not???

I expected to screw up, but this was kind of major. But after being chaste for almost 3 years I guess I let my body get ahead of me. Now what???

Is there a way to back track and slow down? Do I cut ties and try again later? S.O.S

Sorry this is a mess, but it's as legible as I can manage to make it D:

 

[Candleflames]

Hi I am so sorry you are under such duress right now. For the record I don't think you screwed up at all. You met a nice guy and started to explore dating and had sex. It's brought up some emotions and questions for you to contemplate. These could be seen as good human interactions that lead to growth. It's not ruination. So now what?

From where I am sitting it looks like you need to have some open and honest communication with yourself. What do you want? Not what have you settled for in the past or what does so-and-so want from you or for you, but what do you want for yourself? What are you terrified of? What are you hoping for? Who are you at this moment? What are your needs? Once you start to give voice to your internal world and the space to be thought about you'll be able to have a conversation with your dating partner. Then together you two can decide what your dating life will be like.

Relationships are really a series of conversations and negotiations. The key being healthy communication. So is there a way to back track: yes, ask to slow things down. Do you have to cut ties: I don't know. It can be hard but you can do it. You've already survived so much and a dating life will certainly have it's ups and downs. Being able to contemplate and communicate your needs will go a long way in life.

 

[anthony]

Well done on jumping back in though.

What do people usually do? How should a healthy relationship progress? Is there like a time chart? Like a guideline? Help.

Sounds healthy so far, based on what you're writing. It sounds like your fearful of a normal relationship due to your past experience, being all you know.

Does this feel good, healthy for you?

If so, should you be comparing it to past relationships that entailed abuse?

Is there a way to back track and slow down?

Absolutely you can slow down. You're in control of you, remember that. Reaffirm it to yourself when he shows up.

The biggest thing -- talk to him about your fears. Talk to him about slowing down sex. Talk to him about helping you stay grounded during any intimacy so you can make informed decisions at every point without being dissociated and ending up doing something you didn't want to do due to dissociation, agree-ance under dissociation or such.

 

[CoffeeCat]

Hi I am so sorry you are under such duress right now. For the record I don't think you screwed up at all. You met a nice guy and started to explore dating and had sex. It's brought up some emotions and questions for you to contemplate. These could be seen as good human interactions that lead to growth. It's not ruination. So now what...

Thank you for the advice, it helped.


Because I knew I would be uncomfortable I arranged a double date with mutual friends. We had a chance to wander off and talk. I didn’t dive into my issues, I just kind of showed him the tiniest tip of the iceberg so to speak. He was a little distant after, he knew I had “anxiety” but telling him I had been through a lot seemed to cause him to take a step back. We talked more about life & current events as he drove me home. He seemed more relaxed and kissed me good-bye which was nice. But I can’t help but feel maybe I should have waited to tell him about it and discussed what I was looking for. But honestly I have no idea what I want, I feel like him seeing me more than 3 days a week is too much and it’s so draining to be with people. I’ve been isolating myself basically since I moved home in November of 2014. I’m socially awkward and shy. Everything feels like too much too soon. I want someone to share experiences with and learn about each other and ourselves together. I want some physical contact? But also a LOT of space. I’m terrified of being in another bad relationship, opening up to others, and scaring people away with my long list of issues & baggage. Who am I? That is a difficult question and it changes daily. As for needs, my current bottom line needs are taken care of. I have a roof, a bed, food, toilet paper and a safe place. Everything else seems like an unnecessary want; frivolous even. I’m still such a HUGE work in progress, is it okay to even let people see that???

 

[CoffeeCat]

Well done on jumping back in though.

Sounds healthy so far, based on what you're writing. It sounds like your fearful of a normal relationship due to your past experience, being all you know.

Does this feel good, healthy for you?…

Thank you! My sister kind of set it up but it seems to be a good match, we’re a lot alike.


It is very healthy so far. I am very fearful because of it, as well as because of my current state of being.

I does feel good and health, but I’m still not 100% sure it’s what I want. I shouldn’t be comparing them, it would be like comparing a rock and puddle. It just doesn’t make sense. I constantly feel slightly out of control even when along. I working on grounding and not disassociating. It’s slow going but I am making progress. I find it so hard to talk to people about stuff like disassociating. I’ve only told my T about it, and I’m certainly not dropping the ptsd bomb on him right now after the way he took me telling him I’ve been through some shit. He’s supposed to be coming over on Sunday. We’ll be going fishing so it will be the perfect time to talk about “us” and how I things to go and how he wants things to go. AHH.

 

[Candleflames]

Congratulations on taking the initiative to communicate where you are and what you want. I'm glad my advice helped but recognize you did some hard work there!

Here's the nice thing about being an autonomous person with agency over their own being: you get to decide who you want to tell what. You tested the waters by giving the info you were comfortable with and that is great. he made need some time to process his own feelings and that is also ok. Please be aware that how ever this guy (or anyone really) responds is a reflection their own internal world. Some people won't be able to handle it and might not believe you, others will be filled with emotions and still others will take it in stride. Then there's the ones who will identify and understand cause they are dealing with similar issues.

As for needs, my current bottom line needs are taken care of. I have a roof, a bed, food, toilet paper and a safe place. Everything else seems like an unnecessary want; frivolous even.

This is the only part or your posts that concerns me. I've been there with feeling like anything beyond a basic need is frivolous. It's really not! It's important to go beyond the basic physical and tend to our emotional and intellectual needs. There's a thing called "Maslow's Hierarchy of needs". It was created by Abraham Maslow in 1943. A quick google search can get you all the updated info. I found it to be very helpful to get to a point where I feel like a real human being.

I’m still such a HUGE work in progress, is it okay to even let people see that???

Short answer is yes. Longer answer is it's up to you how much you show people. I will tell you that some people will feel so special and trusted at showing them how much you struggle that they will care about you and be brought so much closer to you. That right there is the real intimacy and the hardest to do, in my opinion.

 

[CoffeeCat]

Hi all! Thought I would update this as I seem to be having a bit of an issue today.

I continued to date the guys and have been slowly giving him bits of information about my past. He's been nothing but wonderful.

We've been intimate and I still feel iffy about every single time. We're supposed to go camping together later today on an Island in a local lake. I haven't slept I've been so worked up and nervous about this trip. It will be our first real night of true privacy. All previous encounters have been at my place (Live with 2 other people) or at parties/ gatherings.

I'm kind of freaking out. I have issues with staying the night in new places and being away from my Room for extended periods of time (it's my safe place) I have no idea how I'm going to handle this.

To top it all off, because I;ve been nervous and stressing about this for days I ended up self harming in the form of picking and scratching my own body. My legs and ass and stomach look like the moon. No joke. WTF do I do?!?!

I can't cancel. My roommates want me gone tonight, all the arrangements have been made and boat rented for the trip.
I know for a fact he is looking forward to getting laid as we haven't been 'together' in about 10+ days. SO I'm kind of freaking out.

This probably doesn't make much sense but I'm feeling a little better just getting it off my chest.

 

[Higgins]

How'd it go?