Do you have trouble saying, "no."?

[Parley]

I have no trouble saying no. Any dumb ass too weak to accept it should be pepper sprayed and reminded to pay attention. But I think most get the vibe from me. I don't deal with disrespect well and probably walk too quickly but i'm too old to teach others how to treat me. I know what I deserve and no one's gonna give it to me but me.

I took a self-defense class once and failed miserably at it. You see, I am dyslexic and I kept getting my rights and my lefts confused and using the wrong side of me to do what I was supposed to be doing.

I started having a problem with my left and right a couple years back. I think I know what caused it but i'm not sure.It's annoying and makes me unreliable as a navigator on the river. Good thing it's just a canoe. Makes me wish I had this problem in basic training. Maybe I could have saved us all some grief.

 

[Changing4Best]

I had a short period in my life where I was just angry PERIOD. Almost anything that happened or was said would set me off. Thankfully that time in my life was shortlived.

My parents were often arguing and angry during my childhood, so much so that I skipped my graduation ceremony and left their house for a summer job on the day I finished my last high school class. I hated anger with a passion and during most of my life I have abhored it so much that I have shied away from using it. So these days, anyway, I don't have a personal anger problem. If and when I have gotten angry, my emotions got the best of me and got away from me.

I don't think anger is really going to stop anyone from violating my boundaries anyway. I see the description above of assertiveness and I just WISH I could exude that kind of strength and attitude. None of my recent troubles would have occurred, if only.... but "if onlys" are probably not something I want to be thinking anyway, because they rarely come true.

 

[Changing4Best]

Well, for the time being, due to my lack of having the ability to be assertive, I went to an authority figure today and asked for help in protecting someone I am responsible for from a bully. The authority figure has already placed a gag order on the person I complained about concerning me (ie: he is not allowed to tease me or pick on me while I am under that person's authority and while he is too). Now, since he picked on and teased my client today, I have asked the authority figure to place him in a position so that he can no longer pick on or tease my client either. Since I am responsible for my client's welfare, and the authority figure is too, hopefully this will work out and my client will be protected from bullying.

Now if I knew how to be assertive, I might have been able to pull this off today, but I kind of doubt it, as the bully has no respect for me at all. It may be that he has no respect for the person who is in charge either (the authority figure) so we shall see.

In general, the bully has no respect for women, so since the Authority Figure is a woman, I don't know how this is going to go. Time will tell....

 

[Deleted member 37085]

For me bullies are in a "class" all by themselves @sheila Kathy! You were proactive in trying to protect your client through someone who has power over bully. And as we know, bullies rarely have little if any respect for anyone, including themselves. You stepped up and that says a lot.

 

[Changing4Best]

Thanks. I needed that. I have felt so helpless about all this.

I know, because the bully has already been chastised for bullying me, that he has been picking on my client to get even with me. He is not speaking to me, ever since I said that I was not in the mood to be teased. That got back to the person in authority and she already gave everyone a lecture about not picking on people on the bus or at the Senior Center. Now he thinks that since he picked on my client while I was not looking, that he can get away with it. But my client spoke up and objected. Then the bully tried to say that another passenger did it, and she denied it, of course, because she had not done it! One thing he may not know is that there are video cameras on the buses and his actions are probably on tape too, just in case he tries to deny it. I think eventually, if he cannot control himself, he will be kicked out of the Senior Center and off the buses too. We shall see....

 

[Deleted member 37085]

Just like a bully @SheilaKathy to blame an innocent bystander for his bullying and I hope someone informs him that there are video cams on buses that would give him a jolt! And I totally agree that if he continues his cruel behaviors he will be disallowed to participate at Senior Center, for they do not put up with much from members fo sho! Part of displaying authority is taking up for myself, and with bully you did this in spades! You go girl! Jade.

 

[Changing4Best]

Well, The Senior Center Director had a "talk" with him today. I don't know what was said, but I was told today that 2 people claimed that I have been "smothering my client." They think I am trying to prevent him from socializing with anyone but me. I had to deny this and point out that I had introduced him to a new person yesterday and encouraged him to converse with another of our neighbors at our table.

I spoke to my boss about it later on, after I got home, and he said that there will be jealousy by others as I am probably spending a lot more time with my client now than I used to, which is true. Others have suggested that folks are jealous of the time I have been spending with him and not with the others who are making snide comments or whatever. This makes sense to me.

One of the people who I suspect complained about my "smothering" is upset that I no longer run errands for her, whereas I used to run them for her regularly before I was taking care of my client. The other is either the bully mentioned above's best buddy or the bully himself.

My boss was very understanding and found no fault with me. The Senior Center Director, I don't know and can't figure exactly. Maybe she thought that I might have been smothering my client, but I gave her clear cut examples of how I simply am not. I think she understands that I am not smothering him now, whereas maybe she was concerned about it before I gave her the facts.

Anyway, hopefully no one will be bullying my client from now on, which is what I am most concerned about anyway. Other than that, I am just trying to do my job as best as I can and help my client and make a bit of money while doing so.

Life sure is a lot more complicated than it was a month ago! (Before I got this job).

As to saying "No" to someone, there was a person yesterday who made two suggestions to me in which I could easily see that he was trying to cause friction between the bully and I. On the 2nd of these occasions, I told him that I could see that he was trying to cause trouble and I then said that I did not appreciate it. I think maybe I was assertive when I did that! Me, of all people? Wow. I might be learning some new tricks!!!

 

[Deleted member 37085]

Sounds like @SheilaKathy the green-eyed monster (jealousy!) has been very busy at Senior Center and it is always best to try (only try) to speak up and be heard and years ago I had a very difficult time doing so. Now, I doubt that for me it has gotten any easier especially when I am going against the grain so to speak. However, if we do not speak up and out (assert) others will do our talking for us and I don't know about you @SheilaKathy I truly want to be my own spokesperson before I would allow anyone else who does not know what/how I think/feel to speak up on my behalf.

Good for you that you have kept your eyes and ears opened and have openly communicated to your boss, and also to your client, and are perhaps reaping the benefits of articulating your needs and feelings (rather than allowing the green-eyed monster to do our talking for us) LOL! You rock! Jade.

 

[Helper]

I totally get you people used to use me and hurt me because I had trouble saying no I don't want to or no dont do that to me. But them my friend helped me say no you should practise in the mirror saying no, and saying it to people it down at matter if you hurt there feelings beacsue if they don't care about your feeling you should care about here's also go to self defence classes. :)goodluck

 

[Deleted member 37085]

I totally get you people used to use me and hurt me because I had trouble saying no I don't want to or n...

Look I don't know you and I've never harmed you to the best of my knowledge and I do not appreciate you saying..."I get you people used to use me and hurt me..." and self defense classes are good. And I wish you would care more about wide-sweeping all or nothing statements here @Helper for I wish you "good luck" in realizing that not everyone is out to harm you and not everyone is out to hurt your feelings, certainly not me.

 

[Helper]

Look I don't know you and I've never harmed you to the best of my knowledge and I do not appreciate...

Okay thanks

 

[The Albatross]

It gets easier and easier to say "no" but the kerfuffle about what to do after that is another matter altogether I find. I'm used to mega push back. I'm not sure what to do when someone alters course/doesn't push back.