I am a psychologist with ptsd

[Wuni]

psychologist who I have been seeing for 8 years,

That's commendable and tells me where you're heart is as future practicing psychologist. You're working on your issues.

You can't be perfect. No one is. I've had therapists do all kinds of "off" things during a session. They're human beings not gods. I think clients elevate therapists to the level of gods and then are disappointed when the therapists fail.

One therapist regularly ate turkey for lunch before my sessions and started dosing off. Whoa! I asked if he ate turkey for lunch. Then he and I put two and two together and he never ate a turkey sandwich again before seeing a client. LOL. At least he and I could laugh about it.

I think the worst therapist I ever had was one who attempted to treat me as her buddy, wanting me to attend one of her continuing ed classes with her. Yikes! I stopped seeing her three weeks later.

All I was looking for was support

You've got mine. 100%.

I just feel like a fraud.

You're not. Don't quit. You sound like you'll be great at what you do. Keep on keeping on!

 

[Ozuw]

I'm surprised that on a PTSD forum I'm the only one who is dealing with finding a therapist while suicidal.

Yanno how everyone here says "go find professional help" when it comes to things like suicide?

Well what happens when you do that, only to have your therapist dissociate in front of you and give you no help?

You're then left with the perception that you're too damaged for even professionals to even help you.

And then you make another attempt because when the pros can't help you, nobody can help you.

And maybe this time, it sticks.

Sometimes I hate having the minority opinion and being told I'm flat out wrong.

(Don't read anything into this. I am suicidal but this isn't a thinly veiled threat that I'm going to harm myself. I'm just giving another point of view.)

 

[Sawa]

So I completely agree with this concern of coming to your therapist suicidal and then your therapist not being available. My therapist was chewing gum when I was suicidal and I was being very obvious about my thoughts and sharing them exactly like, "The thought of not existing any more fills me with joy" kind of thing. And there she was subtly chewing gum (not chomping it.) I have had a lot of bad therapy experiences in the past so this just really bugged me. We talked about it and she was so completely understanding and I got to see what it was like to bring up a concern and not be rejected. I agree with every one on here, yes disassociation is serious and especially when handling suicidal ideation, but a truly caring and empathetic doctor is what truly heals. I cannot stress that enough to the OP. Don't give up you can make a difference to people, but you gotta address that trauma! Once you heal and then help others heal, wow that will be so rewarding! And yes you will not ever be a perfect doctor, you are a human being. I am wondering how much you have already helped your patients already! I am guessing you are already an exceptional therapist because you have been through crap and you get into your patients hearts and not just their brains.

 

[Okiz]

The numerous attacks within this thread, directed toward the OP are unconscionable and outrageous.

The OP is a student FFS!!:mad:

Are you reading a different thread to me? The OP said they were struggling and I've seen people give honest advice and talk their own needs in terms of therapy, what would and wouldn't be ok.

Some have said they wouldn't feel safe with a T who dissociated in session and there's been a bit of disagreement around that. Some folk who are fully qualified Ts have given very practical, professional advice. I'm not seeing someone being attacked here and I don't think this forum is a hostile place for therapists more generally. Sometimes support needs to be a challenge. It would be wrong for folk to say it all looks fine when it isn't or that there are no concerns when there are, while the OP is a student, 8 years is pretty far into your training to start dissociating in session and they do need to address that with real life, professional support.

 

[Catipip]

I hear what you are saying, however as I have mentioned I have a supervisor who is aware of the situation and a psychol...

I think that perhaps researching ways to stay grounded and methods on staying associated would be helpful. I can't hear the words sexual assault or rape without internally panicking or shutting down. I go into an immediate fright state and just keep telling myself I am safe. It works.

I'm wondering if there are different areas you can go into until you learn how to mentally associate yourself. You could be a life coach or just do maybe some social work. It's hard going through little set backs when you work and in your field it must be difficult. Talk to your therapist about dissasociation and self talk through the anxiety and fright moments. It will help you when you hear the dreaded words. Hope this helps

 

[Oruja]

Support comes in many flavors. I stand by my original comments as it is indeed wrong on many levels to be taking on cl...

This is harsh. He's realized he has a problem but doesn't want to throw his education and his life away (sorry if if it's a her). Isn't this ptsd. Let's throw a bone here to someone in need.

 

[Oruja]

I too have been suicidal, I know what it feels like and I can completely understand how that would feel for a client. I...

Don't feel awful. You've realized you're having a hard time and are wondering what to do about it. We're all suffering through that. Be kind to yourself and learn your limits on what you can handle right now

 

[Bice]

I'm surprised that on a PTSD forum I'm the only one who is dealing with finding a therapist while suicidal

You're not. But not all of us feel compelled to jerk off our own fears onto someone seeking help.

We get it. Really. You're afraid of someone reacting badly, so you feel compelled to beat up someone who is reacting badly & trying to learn how not to. Projecting all of your worst fears onto someone else, and then catastrophizing the absolute worst case scenario, of your worst fears, as unavoidable fact.

Anxiety Girl! Leaping to the worst possible conclusion in a single bound!

Over. And over. And over again.

Anyone who disagrees with your anxiety fueled paranoid fantasy? Couldn't possibly understand! Could never have dealt with this!

Personally, I've dealt with far worse while suicidal. But more on point? This thread isn't about suicidal blame shifting. It's about someone dealing with a trigger at work. Where again, we get it, you've decided that if they trigger their client will kill themselves & it will be all their fault. Any chance you can maybe let other people come to different conclusions and share different opinions and experiences?

 

[Ezone]

In many countries a psychologists training uses the medical model, coming from the premise that the both the psychologist and the client are behavioural machines. The heavy cultural baggage of the medical model doesn't discourage the view that something like dissociation in the psychiatrist/psychologist is a sign of weakness. If this has been the OP's experience in training it's hardly surprising they are wary of opening up to their psychologist or supervisor.

 

[Hosisec]

If a hand surgeon has a bad hand injury she can empathize with her patient that needs hand surgery. Should she operate? Well... is her hand completely healed and does it still function correctly?

This is the best analogy I have heard yet!

 

[Jirij]

however as I have mentioned I have a supervisor who is aware of the situation

No, what you said was:

however I do not want to disclose my personal history to my supervisor

Which says they are not fully aware of the situation. Your supervisor needs to know the entirty of the situation, including your trauma history. In any other job, I wouldn't see a need to make your supervisor fully aware of your trauma situation but this effects your job, thus your supervisor needs to be aware.

You do need to tell them you were sexually traumatized and that you find yourself, at times, disocissoating while talking with sexually traumatized people. Which is a serious matter. That you have a psychologist, and you are trauma processing and need to step away to do that. I would think, coming back, they would want to supervise you for a bit to make sure you are really ok to return.

And yes, I do think about that a lot. Which is why I posted on here my concerns of feeling like a failure. I'm trying to find a way through the problem. All I was looking for was support.

And people are trying to support and advise you.

How does one know when they are ready to return to work after trauma processing?

Your supervisor would be the best to ask this to as they would be the best one to know. That and likely your psychologist.

Learn from your clients, let them matter to you, don't emotionally distance or disengage to keep yourself safe

People who are struggling deserve someone who cares and sees them as an individual rather than as a set of symptoms to be cured

I want to echo this. My therapist was emotionally abused by his father. He had severe anxiety after his mom passed, bad enough they checked his heart. He was a therapist at the time, though not mine. He was on Xanax for a period of time, though, had already stopped taking it well before he was my therapist.

My point is, he is human with his own issues to fix. And he did fix them. But, he has used both in my therapy to both relate and help me.

Therapists have a history and aren't nor need to be perfect. There are problems that every human has. There is no shame in that. But, you need to step away, fix said issue, thsn come back.

I have to talk for a living and if my voice went out several times a day, I would not be able to serve those customers. What would you tell me to do? Go get it fixed and make sure I can speak for the entirty of my job day, correct? And my supervisor would need to be aware of the full situation. It is the same thing. When you disocissate, you are no longer present with that client/patient, however, you need to be fully present for all of your clients their entire session. Pro-bono or paid.

So advise supervisor, step away and fix said issus, return to work.

The numerous attacks within this thread,

Please educate on "attack" and "opinion". I saw various opinions in this thread. No one attacked anyone.

 

[Sita]

I agree with the above statement.