I Realize That I

[Tinyflame]

I realize that, whether by personality or end-result I am always like a child and a woman combined. Not alters, but my child-like self no longer has anywhere or anyone where to safely 'be'. Nor do I feel any stronger in crises or grief than I did as a child, since my options are limited, they were always limited. I did the best I could with the options and tools I had at the time. But so goes the saying, 'From those who have less even more will be taken'. I realize I was always, my life has been, just collateral damage from others' choices, and they usually didn't care anyway. I had choices (limited) on how to respond to others' choices, but rarely an opportunity to ever choose for myself. I realize being invisible, incidental and unessential is how I have always existed, and the pattern of my life.

 

[ladee]

I realize that @Junebug can not see into our hearts and how much she is loved and cherished here.... we know good people when we interact with them... we are pros at knowing if some one is not genuine and real...and never once , have I, or probably anyone else here , sees her the way she sees herself.... I personally do not allow invisible, incidental and unessential people into my life anymore... And there is Junebug, big as life, real as a heart beat, in my world.... The honor is mine to know someone like her. To know she is a part of my family here. She would have been a great sister in real life.... I wish her love, and understanding, and compassion for who we see and love...

 

[Tinyflame]

Aw Dear @ladee , :cry: from me. :notworthy:

I don't deserve it but I thank you.

I feel the same about you. :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug: :inlove:

 

[Tinyflame]

I realize for the first time, though ashamed to say it because I do not afford myself self empathy, that I have been through some extraordinarily bad happenings, and that even those happenings on a scale were horrendously severe. Most all were- or I didn't even think they could be called a problem.. abuse was with threatened muder; others' decisions were with death; SA's were with threatened death; neglect was full-on abandonment; hidden injuries were broken bones-?, I suppose. Etc.

Even my self-hated is near self-sadistic- hence the SI. And daily things of 'do what needs to be done', missing a meal might be days with no food. All, extremes in severity of circumstances or responses.

I've been, in fact, so shut down it's like I've been operating on 2-tracks always- one I present, one my 'brain' and body's reaction to constant probable threat- so long I've been numb and not-really present. Like yesterday, I saw red drops falling off a tire, could only see blood- no shock or reaction- just memories. They ultimately turned out to be- of all things!- lady bugs- that actually made me feel present when I saw with shock- how could it not be blood?! :confused:

Idk the words- I'm all backwards. Just to say I've been trying to hold what is left of myself together- but I realize it's so scarred/ battered/ beaten down/ lacking a normal healthy core- I have to be built up from scratch. I'm missing the basics, including in belief in kindness of others, stability, trust, fidelity, non-violence, etc- all the things that do not require fear. It's why I have so much fear. I don't have an adult frame of such a reference of safety, or expectation how that's even possible.

I realize I've never been able to care for myself. Well, I did, at a cost. Most things people consider 'needs' were frills for me. Still are.

I realize I am more like men, in my reactions, thoughts towards myself, keeping everything in, don't say, try to do it yourself; in my choices, even SI etc.

ETA, but then, I'm a woman, and awfully gentle.

 

[ladee]

Hugs and more hugs @Junebug.

 

[Tinyflame]

Same to you Dear @ladee :inlove::inlove::inlove::hug::hug::hug:

 

[Anrish]

I realize I am more like men, in my reactions,

Hugs to you! I can relate to this - it's the same for me. I remain calm and do not talk. ...I see myself as me, and not as male or female - or at least I try to do so.

I realize that my usual skills are somehow extraordinary for others...

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you @Anrish . :hug: I suppose for me though it's as bad as it is for men. :tdown:

So I'm a 90 lb non-weakling who in reality is falling apart. :( But I might keep silent about it. :roflmao::O_o: Not on here though, evidently. :rolleyes:

Yes @Anrish I know you are amazing. :) :hug::hug::hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Shocked to wake up realizing:

I do a lot. I change activities to forego boredom, but I try to come back to them, and usually do. And am glad when they're done. I likely do expect too much of myself.

I go along with what others' expect of me.

I really have no concept of how to call doing something for my own sake as qualifying as being important, or 'allowed'.

I have really bad headaches for a very long time. (Not an important one.)

I feel a bit like I'm drowning.
-

 

[Teasel]

I have a level of fear around people and any social interaction that has been there for as long as I can remember.

I think if I had an interaction with someone where I could relax enough to let go of tge fear I might sob my heart out.

I think having such an experience would bring into sharp focus how I am normally.

I want this to happen so much.

 

[420kitty]

Get defensive too often, and lack emotional intelligence. I'm working on it.

 

[Anrish]

I realize that I'm not made for some parts of this world - especially social ones.