Relationship Nasty argument with a sufferer

[BlueOrange]

So, I have an offline friend who shows every indication of being an undiagnosed & untreated sufferer. She is, in many ways, easy for me to relate to, and we usually get along really well.

But she's so utterly self-absorbed, incapable of understanding that when I say "You hurt me," I'm not saying that my pain is worse than hers, I'm saying that I don't like it when she hurts me. I felt really hurt after she told me "I'll never trust you with anything again" (I had watched a TV show that we had planned to watch together). Not too long after, things have improved a bit, and she's left something at my house and needs it back.

In the course of driving to her place for half an hour, I'm remembering that "I'll never trust you" line and getting really angry about it. I (foolishly) issued an ultimatum, demanding that the next thing I hear from her should be an apology. Things went downhill, very hard and very quickly.

I did raise my voice, but that was as bad as I got, despite some pretty heavy-duty provocative behaviour. Then I drove home.

She rang my wife, and warned her that I was coming home in a foul mood; it was also an opportunity for her to tell her side of the story. My wife hugged me, and listened to my side of the story, and was generally awesome; reminding me that I was allowed to set boundaries, and pointing out that I hadn't been doing as well as I try to do when it all happened.

And I thought about all the advice that I've given in the supporter relationships subforum, about how it's important to protect yourself, and that it's up to you to decide what you will and won't tolerate. And I realized that I've been a supporter since I was 5 years old, and that the core of my trauma is from walking on eggshells in the presence of untreated sufferers who had the power to end my existence.

It just sucks. And it's hard to forgive myself for cutting off contact when I know just how badly she needs people. I just don't have the resources to be her friend right now, and I don't feel like leaving the door open for the future, either.

 

[scout86]

And it's hard to forgive myself for cutting off contact when I know just how badly she needs people.

She may need people, but, in the long run, her relationships with people will go better if she puts a bit more effort into seeing that there are many takes on a given situation. The whole "I'll never trust you ever again!" thing (a line I've used often, but mostly inside my own head, BTW) thing is kind of a version of 'black & white thinking, isn't it? And over watching a TV show????? :rolleyes:

I guess what I'm trying to say is, we teach people how we want to be treated. All the way along a really big spectrum. And we learn what works. So, if it works for her to get all dramatic about something like that, she'll keep doing it. If everyone runs to accommodate her, well, why WOULD she want to find other ways to operate? What she's doing works for her.

So, by not buying into it and rewarding her behavior, you're kind of doing her a favor. :) (Your wife sounds like a real gem!)

 

[Buttercup]

seems like you might also be thinking that ruminating about it for a half an hour might not have been the best thing to do, and demanding an apology in an angry state of mind might not have been the best way to start a dialogue with this particular person.

i do totally get what you're saying about setting boundaries and having a relationship with a self absorbed and self centered person can make it difficult and can really set me off, that's for sure. i recently did not speak to my mother for a few months in large part for this very reason! it's definitely ok to take a break from this relationship if thats what you need for you. and maybe it will end up being a permanent break.

Hope my observation up there wasn't too harsh. :hug:

 

[Sweetpea76]

If she is untreated, it is very likely the "never trust you again" thing was a stress reaction or lashing out thing, especially since it centered around perceived "betrayal". That probably stirred up some issues for her.

Is it illogical and blown way out of proportion? Yes, but in her mind it is a huge deal because it's tapping into her trust issues. She's not even thinking about how hurt you may get by what she says, she's swimming in PTSD. Lashing out was her coping mechanism.

Is it right? No. Does it happen when you have friendships with untreated, and even treated PTSD sufferers? Yes.

Nobody likes to be told they're untrustworthy. As a supporter on the receiving end, it's hard to not take things personally during an episode like this. I'm sure having PTSD doesn't help that either.

You are allowed your boundaries. If you don't feel it's healthy to be around this person, then that is more than OK.

 

[BlueOrange]

Thanks all :)

Nothing was too harsh. Nothing was particularly new. But it was really nice to hear it come from outside my head. To know that my version of the story makes sense to people who've seen a lot of these kinds of stories, and who I can trust to tell me if I'm saying things that don't add up.