Not sure if i should reach out.

[FauxLiz]

As most on this board are aware it is a holiday in the US that is dedicated to celebrating unity, independence and generally family. I don't have a close relationship with my father, my mother passed 3 1/2 years ago and it hasn't improved since she died. A lot of my issues trauma ect started with my childhood including parental neglect, molestation/incest by my brother who was protected by my family as he had medical issues and well I was the black sheep so what was in my nightmares couldn't possibly be right.

Here we are many years later and any additional traumas later and just like every holiday that I don't go to "the farm" which are few and far between I struggle to have any sort of relationship with my father before my mother's death and after. It would be traditional to contact my father and wish it were that easy but no matter how many times I call him it is as though I am a burden to speak with. I know he speaks with my siblings fare more often than I do but now matter what I do I can't seem to get him to have a conversation with me 3-5 min is our max and then we both pretend that we have something else to do. Does any one else experience this? When will I learn how to let go?

 

[Gadgie]

Don't let go, it might not be a long conversation, but it is something you can build on. Ask him straight out what his problem is, then wait for an answer, before you give up.

I only wish my daughters would give me three minutes of their time, but after twenty odd years, I still have hope?

You mention problems in your childhood, was your father any part of that?

I had a rough childhood with plenty of violence, but that was mostly coming from my mother, but my Dad was the opposite, and was good to us, but we never saw much of him, as he was a hard worker and hardly ever at home

 

[FauxLiz]

@Gadgie I am sorry for the lack of communication from your daughters. As for whether my father was part of my childhood problems, I am still working all of that out. He was never there for me or any of my siblings that I am aware of, he taught us that our family name was far more important than anything else in the world and heaven forbid that we would cross him we got the belt. I grew up afraid of my father, ashamed that I could never be the child he wanted due to physical challenges of my own that separated me from my siblings. I knew from a very early age that I was not good enough to be part of the family, I looked wrong, acted wrong, couldn't do the things others did and while my parents never individually said I was worthless they never stopped my siblings from saying those things.

I want to love and have a relationship with my father but I don't know how, when I am around him or I speak to him, I feel so lost, alone and unwanted. My father contributed to the issues that I struggle with today, it is no easy to forgive him for being more concerned with what people thought and protecting the family name than making sure that I was uninjured after a significant car accident where I should have died.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

As for whether my father was part of my childhood problems, I am still working all of that out. He was never there for me or any of my siblings that I am aware of, he taught us that our family name was far more important than anything else in the world and heaven forbid that we would cross him we got the belt. I grew up afraid of my father, ashamed that I could never be the child he wanted due to physical challenges of my own that separated me from my siblings.

In one accord with @Gadgie about not letting go and continuing to try and have dialogue with your father. You said above that you're still working all that out? May I please ask working all what out?

You also shared your father was never there for you or any of your siblings? Has he changed and that is why you are trying to connect with him? Or do you feel your father has something to do with your fear and trepidation you're now experiencing and working through with your T? Just wondering and I looked and could not see to read and understand more so I could be more supportive than this for you - have you started a Trauma Diary? Just curious that's all. No judgment here - judgment free zone.

@FauxLiz what are the issues you're struggling with today that your father contributed to? I care that is the only motivation for me asking. I do care. Hug if you will accept.

 

[FauxLiz]

@JadesJewel when I say I am still working out whether my father was a part of my childhood problems results from having only a handful of memories that are true memories before age 13/14. What I do know about growing up is that my parents both mom and dad treated me as an outcast. Due to my physical/medical issues I unlike my many siblings was unable to participate in the family business without risking actual death. I was scorned, ignored, ridiculed and bullied. While I may have grown up in an era where spankings were acceptable practice that didn't mean frequent hand to hand combat with my siblings with the only response from my parents was "no blood in the house take it outside".

No my father was not part of our lives when we were children. He worked 12-18 hours a day 6 days a week and when he was around he would go out to his workshop. Now as adults he seems to frequently spend time with my siblings, going to visit them, spend time with them. Over the past years since my mom passed, I have visited as often as possible and frequently invited him to visit but he doesn't want to, says there is nothing to do where I live, it is too far away, there is no one to feed his pets. I keep trying to connect with my father because in spite of all signs that he doesn't want to I was always taught that family was everything and it is hard to accept that even as an adult I don't fit in and my father wants nothing to do with me. The phone goes both ways which is a hard lesson I learned from my family a couple of decades ago and if I am the only one trying it won't work.

I haven't started a Trauma Diary, it may sound old fashioned but I still stick to pen and paper to journal.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

@JadesJewel when I say I am still working out whether my father was a part of my childhood problems results from having only a handful of memories that are true memories before age 13/14. What I do know about growing up is that my parents both mom and dad treated me as an outcast. Due to my physical/medical issues I unlike my many siblings was unable to participate in the family business without risking actual death. I was scorned, ignored, ridiculed and bullied. While I may have grown up in an era where spankings were acceptable practice that didn't mean frequent hand to hand combat with my siblings with the only response from my parents was "no blood in the house take it outside".

@FauxLiz I get not having but only a handful of memories prior to your being 13/14, for I too do not have but a handful of for me horrible memories as a young child. And yet I have proof that father as well as step-father, etc. were a part of my horrific childhood problems which is only reason I asked this of you. I do care and I can tell that you are hurting so much right now. I too was treated like an outcast (but also father was Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde) so I was oh so confused growing up. I remember the violent torturous beatings and I too was scorned, ignored, ridiculed and extremely bullied as well precious one yet he also was "nice" at times. And I could've so easily died during one of these violent stompings, beatings, and kickings @FauxLiz. And there is sexual issues involved as well.

Now as adults he seems to frequently spend time with my siblings, going to visit them, spend time with them. Over the past years since my mom passed, I have visited as often as possible and frequently invited him to visit but he doesn't want to, says there is nothing to do where I live, it is too far away, there is no one to feed his pets. I keep trying to connect with my father because in spite of all signs that he doesn't want to I was always taught that family was everything and it is hard to accept that even as an adult I don't fit in and my father wants nothing to do with me.

I am so so sorry that you were sexually abused (molested) by your brother and understand why you perhaps do not wish to go to "the farm"?and do not know whether your father is aware that you were so incestuously traumatized by your brother? Could this be his "reasoning" for distancing himself from you? I too was through cultural mores and traditions brought up to believe that family was so important and everything and I so wanted this to be true for me. But I come from a fractured fairy tale of an extremely dysfunctional family. I care and I am here for you. Please know that I do want you to be able to continue to try healing. Hugs.

 

[Artemus]

I have been part of 2 child/father healings. My own and my wife's. I would say this about those experiences.

Our own circumstances aren't relevant, so I won't bother with them. Suffice it to say the negative feelings toward our father's were extreme and lasted until each of us was in our 30s.

What is relevant is that we both managed the healing in different ways. Some long retreats with a self-awareness organization in CA led to mine. I helped her with hers years later. In both cases it began as a one-sided affair, we were able to let go of our hate and resentment, see the flawed characters we called Father in the light of our adulthood, and forgive them without them doing a thing. Eventually (in my case 3 yrs in her's a couple of months), our fathers began to warm up to us and return our affection as best they could.

None of this changed who they were or what they did (or didn't do) in our childhood. These flawed injured men were still flawed, reclusive, and never affectionate. There were no long dialog of childhood events, no apologies, or even a desire to listen to our experiences from either of them. And, it didn't matter. These flawed men weren't evil people. They did the best they could. They were working to survive horrible childhood stories of their own. We couldn't heal them, and we didn't, healing ourselves was what mattered. Our lives were the only ones we were going to live.

The take away is this: If you can find the forgiveness and accept your father as he is without holding him responsible to do anything in return, it will heal a great deal of your pain. Forgiveness and acceptance give power and grace where pain existed before. It doesn't require the other person to do anything, but often, if they're still in your life, your change will change them too and some semblance of a relationship will ignite. Don't go into this with expectations, you'll still be dealing with the same person with the same flaws, however, "You" will be different and they will respond to that.

For me, the healing was simple. It happened in a few minutes of collapsed on the floor, too weak to stand or sit, snot filled, uncontrolled weeping. However, getting to that place of acceptance and forgiveness, and understanding that it was always about me and my pain--and I had the power to keep that or not--took 10 years of hard work. For a long time (until another severe adult trauma) my cPTSD symptoms abated. I was healed. To this day, I can say I loved my father and he loved me as best he could. If you can get to that place, you'll find peace with him. Most important, you'll find peace within you. It may make your other symptoms better, it may not, but the healing with your father will not reverse. For both of us, that healing was permanent, and it changed out lives.

Blessings to you on your journey.