Setting Boundaries

[UConnclar]

Hi Everyone,
At this stage in my healing, I've gotten more assertive and have been speaking up for myself.

I get really pissed off when I set a boundary and it doesn't get followed. I take it as totally disrespectful to me but we also know that with PTSD we need to have some sense of control.

For example, my parents are part of the cause for my PTSD and I had to move back home with them for six months. I let them know ahead of time when I was moving and what their role would be. (They were supposed to help load the van and I had help to unload it on the other.) Instead, my wonderful father pulled a stunt where he refused to give me my car keys and proceeded to tell me this apartment was a really bad idea.

How do you deal with setting boundaries with other people? How do you deal when they aren't followed?

Thanks!
Meg

 

[Mina]

Good question, Meg. Not sure why, but in my experience, it's almost like parents think their adult children are joking when they set boundaries. Then they violate those boundaries and think there are no repercussions. The question is - are there?

I don't know that I've done the best job of this, but with my family, it's helped to let them know in advance that there are consequences. In my case, this meant I wouldn't have contact with them, or at least not with my father. He crossed the line, and I didn't speak to him for months, and very little to my mother. When we finally did start speaking again, I was clear that if he wanted to violate my boundaries again, then I didn't need him in my life. We certainly have our fights and disagreements since then, but he has not been disrespectful like that again.

However, I was prepared to follow through and enact the consequences, and stick to my guns. I think this is where a lot of people have difficulty...but honestly, it's really no use setting boundaries if you're not willing to have and enact a punishment for violating them.

Again, I'm not sure this is the right way to approach it, but it's helped me.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I thought it would be a good time to drag this thread back up, and hopefully get some replies......

I wanted to know if some of you have a hard time setting boundaries and why you feel it's so hard????? I personally think that if we DON'T set boundaries, that we are just setting ourselves up for more hurt. We feel re victimized and angry, that people keep hurting us, and yet we fail to set the boundaries needed to avoid this...

Wouldn't it just be wiser to start setting the boundaries, drawing a line in the sand so to speak, and taking a stand on what we will take and what we won't allow, rather than to let others walk all over us????? I also think that by setting boundaries, it starts the process of building self esteem and self worth.....

So please try and answer as to why you can't or feel that you can't set boundaries....Maybe some of us can help to get you on the road to start doing this........

 

[UConnclar]

That sounds like a great idea, She Cat! I have a hard time setting boundaries in the first place for fear of what the other persons reaction may be and wanting to avoid a confrontation at all costs.

I always wonder if I'm over-reacting and being too harsh but then again, have never had a situation where I've been able to put a boundary in place and have it respected.

 

[sidekick]

I am terrified of the other persons reactions.....

Over the years I have worked hard at setting up many boundries....

My personal space and saying no to certain people about some things, eliminating some people from my lives for periods of times........

However on that note..........except for my children............I have almost always done this via letter writing. That way I don't have to deal with face to face or over the phone.....

I feel that is very childish but I am NOT able still at this time to express myself without breaking down. A letter~email enables me to express what I want to say and in an appropriate manner.

There are a few reasons I have a hard time saying no or setting boundries...hurting their feelings, being made to feel guilty and attacked/abused as I have been in the past for saying no.

The reason I did not confront my MIL about what she did to my daughter in person is because I had been dealing with all this rage and new flashbacks/memories and I was so terrified that in all honesty I would have physically attacked this woman and she would have become every person who had hurt me over the years. It would no longer have been about my daughter but about "the little girl inside of me" who has been struggling since this junk started. I think to some that may not make sense, but to me it does. I was afraid I would have killed her...........

I am working on boundries every day.........with my daughter and with my husband....It is still hard with my husband as I usually break down crying......I always feel like such a wimp........but I know that is the ptsd...

 

[SunnyBrookFarm]

Thanks She Cat - while I often give advice here for people to set boundaries and I know it's crucial - I have a very difficult time setting them myself.

For me, personally it requires assertiveness (which I am sorely lacking in), it requires putting my needs before others (again an area I need work on) and it requires for me to recognize not only that I need boundaries but what they are.

From early childhood - my role in the family was to keep everyone happy. While I can see that first that is unrealistic and that second it's not healthy for me - it's hard to break that cycle. If someone is unhappy then for me it = danger. Even if I know I'm "safe" it's hard to stop that little voice that still thinks it's dangerous to have someone angry with me. Also, if anyone is angry around me or unhappy - I automatically assume it's because of something I either did or didn't do.

Again, I realize that these aren't healthy habits and I am actively working on them - but boy it's hard to re-route what you've done as long as you can remember.

So I am always welcome to suggestions or someone pointing out to me that I need to set boundaries - an outside perspective is always good in my opinion.

 

[Healing Survivor]

I'm still having a difficult time expressing myself, but I wanted to reply. I do have a hard time setting boundaries. Usually they are boundaries that I don't realize need to be set (like with relationships), until they go too far. And then at that point I feel stupid for introducing a new boundary and that makes it even harder to put it in place. I definitely think getting others' perspective on things is helpful. And I'm also better at writing things down rather than talking in person, but this is mostly to avoid conflict. I'm an avoider. ;) Anyway, I guess that's my two bits. It's something I struggle with a lot, so I'm glad to read others' posts.

 

[Deleted member 541]

For me....Setting boundaries is important. It's about taking care of me. Not letting others walk all over me, or take advantage of me. Don't get me wrong, I am a very giving person, and will try to do anything I can to help someone out with whatever....BUT...There comes a point when, if it becomes uncomfortable for me, I get to tired out, I feel I am being used, that I will then have to put a boundary down.

I try very hard to NOT do it when I am angry/hurt as these can affect the way that I try to handle things. I step back for awhile, calm down, and let myself feel everything.....

If someone says something, or does something and I get that cringy feeling, or think OMG......I know a boundary needs to be placed. I usually start by saying to them, "I feel" Then I explain why I feel like I do, and ask them to please not do or say that again. Sometimes it bears repeating, but if someone doesn't acknowledge what I am trying to do, then I eventually will walk away.......It just isn't worth my time, patience or health to be bothered.......

The big thing with placing boundaries....They are NOT for the other person, they are for YOU and to protect yourself from others... You can't control HOW that person will react, the only thing that you have control over is YOU and your behavior/reactions, ect.....If they react badly, then I guess you would have to ask yourself is the person worth having in your life......

If they love/and respect you, they will most likely respect your boundary......

 

[SunnyBrookFarm]

She Cat -

So how do you turn things around to where you put Yourself first before everyone else?

I am currently in a situation where I am feeling used, burned out, and unsafe around someone - but I know I'm not setting boundaries. Even though I know that I could walk away completely with no great loss, and that I have my husband backing me - I still tolerate it because I don't want to hurt this persons feelings and we have close friendships with other people in common.

I know excuses - excuses - but it's how I feel that overwhelming fear of making someone unhappy.

So tell it to me straight - how do you turn it around?

 

[Deleted member 541]

Sunny,

Unfortunately, you have to learn to become a bit selfish. You have to learn that you come first, that the only person that can take care of you...Is YOU!!!!!!

I too struggled with this when I decided to get better, and stop playing at the game of therapy. I asked basically the same thing of my therapist. He answered just like I did. You really do have to want to take care of you, to become healthy, and to stop feeling like a piece of crap all the time......

Yes, there will be some people that will try to overstep, push you into changing your mind or allowing the crap to go on, but you just have to figure out, what it is that you want MORE???? Being treated like crap/feeling like crap, or to have healthy relationships that are a two way street, giving and taking??? You can't control the outcome, or what the other person is feeling. Remember this is for YOU, NOT them.....

Yup, it's hard to do, but it's necessary IMO!!!!!!

 

[Manic11]

I wish I could do that! Set the boundaries and stick to them because its good for ME.
I have a horrible habit of letting others walk all over me. I feel horrible, just horrible about myself, if I tell someone else no and it inconveniences them. I feel that I should be the one that is put out, not them.
I guess it all goes back to the self esteem issues though.
It's one vicious circle! Grrrrr!!

But at the same time, I need to have boundaries set and I know it. It's just a matter of setting the boundaries and not chickening out. It's much easier for me to set a boundary with a woman than with a man. It's right up there with impossible with a man. I fear men too much to do that. :doh:

Manic

 

[cynelena]

You can't control HOW that person will react, the only thing that you have control over is YOU and your behavior/reactions, ect.....If they react badly, then I guess you would have to ask yourself is the person worth having in your life......

If they love/and respect you, they will most likely respect your boundary......

She Cat said it best. Now...if I could only figure out how to do that:wall:. Making myself #1 has NEVER been how I operate and as I've gotten older, I've started to feel like (and know) that I deserve more out of life. I have the common sense to know that I should treat myself better and that part of that is to set boundaries, BUT this is where I go wrong every time!

If I were queen of anything, it would be "Queen of Keep the Peace". It's what I do best! I didn't even realize until recently that I was doing it so consistently in my life. I want everyone to be happy and get along. I'm not trying to live a fairy tale life by any means, but I really go out of my way to try and keep everyone happy around me. 9 times out of 10 it means that my feelings get hurt or I get let down in some way.

I am struggling every day with creating my boundaries. I am also going to therapy and have upped my visits to weekly instead of bi-weekly. I want to make ME a priority and set better boundaries. I also want to be the best role model possible for my daughter!

I sympathize with you all and wish us all good boundary setting days ahead!

Cynthia