Acceptance

[Sleeping Dragon]

I want to pass on something that I should have included much earlier. It's the ability to accept what I cannnot change. It's without doubt the hardest thing I've had to learn, and has effected my relationship with family and friends.

I was with a total of fifteen men who died in combat. Some were following my orders. I've gone over and over the things that I could have done differently that may have saved some of them to the point that it nearly drove me insane.

I've tried to explain over and over to anyone who would listen how war effects all those it touches, and most really didn't want to know. For years their cold hearted indifference make me furious, and cause me to turn away from and pass judgement on many people in my life. I judged all by my standards, a very unrealistic approach,

I now try hard every day to look at the world as it is rather than how I think is should be. I recognize that there will be times when I'll be disappointed in the people in my life, including those closest to me.

We veterans have seen life as bad as it gets. That view blocks out so much of what is still worth while. Accepting this world for what it is, and understanding that I can change so little of it allows me the freedom to begin to find the things I've blocked out. I can still try to make thing better, but must accept that there will be many times I will fail.

SD

 

[Friday]

That's something I'm wicked good at... Except where I'm absolutely incapable of it!

I think the line is if I feel (am!) responsible. Especially if there's anything I could do about it, whether it's a good idea or not. Actually, it's when I know it's a bad idea, so I do nothing, and hate myself for it. Twice. For not doing anything, and having to make myself not do it. Add in a 3rd for not being able to think my way out of a wet paper sack and come up with a f*cking good idea. Christ.

I can't stand people saying there's nothing I can do. Because there is. It's just not usually legal. And may actually be treatment-worse-than-disease. But f*ck. There's something I could do, and I'm not doing it? Shoot me now.

 

[JarHed]

Rules and Clarifications:

Rule one; Soldiers die in war. Rule Two; you can't change rule one.

Rule one: when you're a leader; squad, team, platoon, you have to appoint people to do dangerous jobs knowing some won't return. Rule two, you can't change rule one.

Been on both sides of it; leader, grunt. You do the best you can in the moment. You can't change that moment for good or bad. No matter what you do, it won't always go as planned and shit happens. You try to deal with it all as best as you can at the moment. It ain't perfect.

No matter what you do it will never be or get easier knowing what you had to do. You do, I think at least, have to accept that it's the way of it. You can't change what happened. Don't block it out, you can't. Just try to put it in the proper perspective for yourself. I've never forgotten those I served with who aren't here today. I think, other than wishing that they could be here as well, living the best you can with what happened is the best you can do. You can't have a life if you beat yourself up about it all the time.

Failing is just part of the process that leads to success, at anything. As always, just one JarHed's opinion here.

 

[Sleeping Dragon]

I'd like to focus on some of what Friday and JarHed said, especially for you Brothers and Sisters who are struggling severely now.

Friday: "Actually, it's when I know it's a bad idea, so I do nothing, and hate myself for it". And: "There's something I could do, and I'm not doing it? Shoot me now". Those things caused me to beat myself up for years, over and over again. My mistake came from including everything that bothered me. I wasn't wise enough to set aside things that were beyond my control, and consentrate on what I could fix.

JarHed: "You do the best you can in the moment. No matter what you do, it won't always go as planned and shit happens. You try to deal with it all as best as you can at the moment. It ain't perfect". That's acceptance, and IT'S VERY DIFFERENT FROM GIVING UP. If you take on too much you'll loose the satisfaction that comes from small success. And, small success will do a lot to keep you going.

Thanks Friday and JarHed.

SD

 

[Sarg]

I'm a "pieces picker-upper". Used to fight the beast. Toe to toe. After beating myself up for what was probably the thousandth time, I said, to hell with it, let it happen and I'll pick up the pieces later. Let the sum-bitch roll right on over me, I'll use the bicycle pump and inflate me again. A whole lot less painful that way.

Sarg

 

[Raven]

There's nothing you can say to the medic that the medic is not already saying to himself or herself over and over and over.

I f*cked up, alright? At least, I feel like I f*cked up and that's the same thing.

Booze and blow curb the questions and criticisms in my head. I need to stop self-destructing soon. Having animals that depend on me helps curb the other thoughts.

 

[Deleted member 43454]

Thanks all for the wisdom. I had heard it over and over again from individuals who hadn't been in combat previously. During my self destructive rage that it is what it is. I did what I had to do. But I didn't want to hear it. Thanks to you guys I feel I am accepting it now. Slowly. It comes up. The images and what not the scenario every day. Can't change it, can't make it go away.

 

[Deleted member 43454]

Booze and blow curb the questions and criticisms in my head. I need to stop self-destructing soon. Having animals that depend on me helps curb the other thoughts.

One of my old drills when I was hitting the booze hard kept telling my ass it was the alcohol that was the reason I was getting into trouble. Shit, lotta people told me. I guess sometimes each scenario feels like our own. Those that were there with us etc. But here we all deal with the beast. A big part of me feeling weak was directed at all the hardcore shit other guy's had been through. Kept saying well how... why me? Fact is I was put as a gunner for a reason. I f*cked up a lot. Who doesn't? But I was still the best in the platoon. ;) Hell I even got a Coin from General McCrystal in Lashkar Gah. Which I subsequently tossed out of the gunner hatch a month or so later when he changed the ROE.

First time I got shot at I f*cking failed. Knee's buckled. Standing on noodles. Swaying could hardly keep still. Couldn't find a target. Luckily the Brit's who had already been operating in that area just wrecked havoc.
You have skills as a Medic Raven. We all love medics. I wish you the best. Really.

 

[JarHed]

I need to stop self-destructing soon. Having animals that depend on me helps curb the other thoughts.

You can't live your life or a life blaming yourself for those kinds of things. It can haunt you, I wasn't a medic but did my best when those kinds of situations arose. Ya'll were the bravest of the brave to do what you did under the conditions that you had to deal with. I guess time and distance from them has helped me in a small way at least.

I did all those kinds of things, drugs mostly, to try and escape the pain and insulate myself from it. It didn't really work. I hope you find something that helps so you get away from that stuff.

Jar

 

[Grizzly]

Like the cliche age comes wisdom. Just keep remembering that. The stupid things we do become more painful as we grow older. I just hope it's a sign of healing. Like a scab that eventually heals, falls off and the scar remains. It's healed, but shows a faint reminder.

The substance abuse for me was useful. It helped take a large amount of the pain away. T-totalers Mon-Sun. My wash, rinse and repeat. Now I still drink. I'm not convinced I need too. But it's there. The tools until I find something else equally effective. Now things I've noticed. The booze does seem to stimulate my depression. I literally feel a wave of some despair flow in. That is my trigger to stop now. Sometime the care to quit gets washed away though. I didn't notice when I was younger. I also notice it now triggering more paranoia.

I don't have the luxury of intense fighting some of you have. Ha Ha, I raised my weapon one time against the enemy and they tossed their AK's and surrendered. I think I fired 3 rounds total. I popped more smoke than I shot. WTF. I envy many of you in some way. Almost like your PTSD was earned in some dark twisted way. All my trauma was from IDF and very gnarly half recognizable shit. Etched in my brain forever it seems. Some nights I wake up and still taste the death. I run and try and wash it out with listerine and then realize it isn't real. I wanted badly to engage my enemy. I wanted the horrors to seem real. Wanted a reason to be. Those are my haunts.

 

[Deleted member 43454]

Like the cliche age comes wisdom. Just keep remembering that. The stupid things we do become more painful as we grow older. I just hope it's a sign of healing. Like a scab that eventually heals, falls off and the scar remains. It's healed, but shows a faint reminder.

The substance abuse for me was useful. It helped take a large amount of the pain away. T-totalers Mon-Sun. My wash, rinse and repeat. Now I still drink. I'm not convinced I need too. But it's there. The tools until I find something else equally effective. Now things I've noticed. The booze does seem to stimulate my depression. I literally feel a wave of some despair flow in. That is my trigger to stop now. Sometime the care to quit gets washed away though. I didn't notice when I was younger. I also notice it now triggering more paranoia.

I don't have the luxury of intense fighting some of you have. Ha Ha, I raised my weapon one time against the enemy and they tossed their AK's and surrendered. I think I fired 3 rounds total. I popped more smoke than I shot. WTF. I envy many of you in some way. Almost like your PTSD was earned in some dark twisted way. All my trauma was from IDF and very gnarly half recognizable shit. Etched in my brain forever it seems. Some nights I wake up and still taste the death. I run and try and wash it out with listerine and then realize it isn't real. I wanted badly to engage my enemy. I wanted the horrors to seem real. Wanted a reason to be. Those are my haunts.

I wanted it all too Grizz. I think we all do. That f*cking epic battle. In between all the down time and shit. Or all the silent takers.
I actually prayed before mission's that I would avenge my brothers. Along with if I got hit, take it quick don't leave me mangled.
Then once it was said and done and looking back now. It's really all too bad. A f*cking shame really. I think back to how a another gunner was actually pissed that I got the first one. I tried for years, "if only...if only...he would of just obeyed my order and walked to my vehicle instead of kicking dirt, spitting, dropping the shovel and running...If only he would of not stood there behind that mudhut afterwards scaring the shit out of me. If only I didn't watch his family bury him on that hill. On and f*cking on and on.

(This is all between IED's going off and shit to clarify.)

He was the enemy. He wanted me dead. He hated me as I hated him. He spit at me with such rage and hatred and ran with such speed. If he had the detonation device behind that mudhut he was waiting to use it. Ready to take our lives. f*ck that mother f*cker. But at the same time I respect that asshole. For I too am an asshole. And willing to fight for mine. I made the right choice. A 9 hour firefight afterwards assured that. But then I thought, well maybe It was just the wrong choice and they reacted out of anger. Then I said who the hell am I kidding... this is the f*cking Sangin Valley. I just came prepared. Although I wonder now where things will go.

 

[Friday]

I don't have the luxury of intense fighting some of you have. Ha Ha, I raised my weapon one time against the enemy and they tossed their AK's and surrendered. I think I fired 3 rounds total. I popped more smoke than I shot. WTF. I envy many of you in some way. Almost like your PTSD was earned in some dark twisted way. All my trauma was from IDF and very gnarly half recognizable shit. Etched in my brain forever it seems. Some nights I wake up and still taste the death. I run and try and wash it out with listerine and then realize it isn't real. I wanted badly to engage my enemy. I wanted the horrors to seem real. Wanted a reason to be. Those are my haunts.

I don't know about anyone else, f*ck I'm backwards in most of life, anyway... But my PTSD isn't about the things that I did, or were done to me. It's about the stuff I didn't do. Don't do. That's what guts me.