I dont know how to proceed... choosing between therapists

[frustrated]

I started seeing a T about 2 years ago. he is cbt/dbt.
Thing is i have gone every week and nothing has come out of it. I have not changed neither have my circumstances.
I have gone every week...never late..paid on time. no outside contact. no phone calls.
yet, somehow he just never really followed through things. like he would say lets do this (ex.dbt), it will really help you...next session he would forget and mention nothing of it for weeks. i then thought he changed his mind and doesnt think i am the right fit for this. i will feel embarrassed/ashamed that somehow i am not fit for it, so he has not mentioned it again.
then after sometime he will introduce something...then same thing. i never actually started and finish an actual workbook or a process with him. i never brought it up again, as i just felt something is wrong with me and he doesnt want to proceed.
then i lost my insurance but continued seeing him. paying out of pocket, cash every session. things changed drastically. oh my ! he became more involved somehow. more present. i noticed a difference. then again...i realized i am not seeing any improvement with him. he is super nice and sweet and i am attached to him. (thus very hard to leave).
but i want to change. i want to get at the core of my issues.
so i decided to try another T. i found one who is more experienced and has great ratings.
he had a waiting list, and i eventually got on his calender. he charges more. i am without insurance and i am paying him cash. he is psyhcodynamic.
seen him 5 times so far and he doesnt talk much. he doesnt direct the conversation anywhere. he doesnt ask alot of questions. he gives feedback on what i say and thats it.
he gives good feedback...if i say something negative...he changes it so i see the positive in it.
which makes it so hard to share HARD stuff. which is 100% my fault and is on me.
(like now he will think i am bad). i like him, yet i think maybe the issues i am seeking help with are not doable. i am just stuck and thats it. no one can help me.

i see T's biweekly. i dont know which one to stick with. I work hard to save money for this..just so i can be a better version of myself.
T1: greets me warmly and always asks if i would like something to drink. (every single session, and my answer has always been no thanks, yet he still asks)
T2: Hi frustrated, come on back. walk to his office , sit and start talkin'

T1: gently reminds me time is almost up. does it so skillful and done so softly, that our session ends naturally.
since i started paying him cash, i noticed that he leaves it upto me to get up and say bye to him when i am ready. i can make any comment on my way out...and he responds like we are in middle of session. very thoughtful and engaging. i am humbled that he gives me this much time and attention.( he had not done that previously)
T2: abruptly ends session. i pay him, get up and leave.

i dont know how many more sessions to give T2 to see if anything clicks. he is very experienced . i trust his judgement. its a different style of therapy, i am willing to put the effort and give it a try. but for how long?

i like both T's but i can not be seeing both . i can not afford to.

this weeks session with T2 was nothing significant.
time and money invested was not worth it. ( maybe i didnt bring up anything significant to share?)
i keep thinking it takes time to build a relationship. and i should invest some more time to see where this goes.
i feel like emailing T2. but he has not told me if i can . i dont see him till 2 weeks.
i have no idea how he is gonna take it if i email him.
he may reply that lets talk about it in session? or be upset about it.

i am just unsettled.
i dont know what to do.
maybe my answer is somewhere hidden in my post.
maybe the answer is obvious, and i dont see it.

i am afraid of making the wrong choice.
if i leave one, i wouldnt feel comfortable going back to them later. ( like oh, the other T didnt work out, so i am coming back to u now)

 

[anonymous]

While I do not have a good answer for you, I am in a similar situation as you are with T1. I like him, but our sessions lack continuity and I dont see the progress. There is no follow through wih any plan. It is frustrating.

Recently, I contacted a second therapist, but I dont think I will be following through with that one.

I wish i had an answer for you, but I dont. What would your ideal therapist look like?

 

[WishfulThinking123]

I have found this sometimes with my T and others- oh I think we need to explore your family history or other things and yet next session it is never brought up again. Almost like I feel if things aren't brought up and issues concluded in session 1 it is hard to continue discussion in session 2 so I get it! It is rather frustrating- is it possible that you could state to the T1 well we talked about this _________ last session and I would like to continue that topic/discussion. Maybe this T just doesn't write down good notes for himself so, he forgets exactly what he suggested or its possible that he may be self conscious himself and not completely sure if you liked his strategies/advice so thinks well if she doesn't bring it up maybe she doesn't want to do it? Idk, its a hard decision! Those are just some thoughts I had after reading your post.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

If you like the new one give him a bit of longer, wait and see time frame. Say two more times and go with your instincts. If you look forward to seeing him you can count that as a positive. I would say that the T with the most positive things would be the way to go but I think you will know in your heart what way you need to go to continue to work on your issues. In the beginning of developing a theraputic relationship it does take time to begin to feel comfortable I think for me anyway.

My therapist that I will be returning to has a lot of a common sense approach to things and always I leave feeling better so she is a good fit for me. You get to choose which one is the right fit for you and in the end, nothing is written in cement because you can always change your mind later on if you need to.

 

[Sideways]

Perhaps explore the potential alternatives?

It's great to have a therapist that specialises in trauma. And not just someone who puts it on their website because they want to specialise in trauma, someone who has a good track record of working with trauma. And then you get a referral, make an appointment, and treat it like a job interview. You ask them about their approach and the structure they follow.

If there are people who specialise in trauma near you? That would be great, because there can be a whole lot of just flip-flopping around if you feel that your stuck with someone that you trust, but isn't offering much expertise and direction.

On the other hand, there are still a lot of places where it's hard to find a good trauma specialist, and working through standard treatment modalities (like cbt, dbt, act etc) may be the best safe option. Either way, having someone else who has already agreed (and has the capacity) to take you on is the best way to go. I know people who have jumped ship and been left in crisis without any support because of the sheer time it takes to line up a new T.

 

[EveHarrington]

I'm kinda thinkin both suck in terms of treating trauma.

I say dump them both and move on.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

I was seeing an okay therapist, but now that I am seeing a really good therapist, I can see a huge difference. This new one allows me to email, but has very good boundaries in her response, but she does respond, which sometimes really helps me get through the week. She also has a very good memory and might bring up something I said three sessions prior to make a connection.

I would suggest you either keep trying different ones or bring up your concerns about progress to your current T's.

 

[zoie33]

Personally, I do not understand psychodynamic therapy so I can't really comment on that other than I do not think it would help me with trauma, I need more direction. As for T1, I agree that he is probably waiting for you to respond. I know most T want you to direct the session. So if he brought it up and you have not said anything about it next session, he may think you do not want to go that route. If that is what you want to do, I would definitely bring it up. On the other hand I must say I agree with the previous response that a trauma specialist would probably be best if there is a good one in your area. I am so lucky to have found a great one. Good luck to with whatever you decide.

 

[Suzetig]

If you're spending a lot of money on therapy and not seeing any difference you need to find a new therapist. It really is that simple. The way they greet you, end sessions etc is nice, might give you a warm feeling but you are there because you want things to change and that's what they should be working on.

In your shoes I'd would leave both - especially the one who seems more engaged now you're paying out of pocket, which is a complete nonsense behaviour. Look for someone who knows what they're doing with your kind of trauma - not just "trauma" generally. Someone who has experienced domestic abuse needs a different approach to a Vet, needs s different approache to someone who was in a car accident or natural disaster. All trauma, but all vastly different experiences.

 

[kilted]

As suzetig says.... find a new therapist. The CBT/DBT one sounds like he's not doing CBT/DBT. You are paying for him to do a job, not be your friend. This is a bit blunt.... and in no way means "Im paying, you fix me", but it does mean you would expect to see change after around 200 sessions of CBT/DBT.

The other psychodynamic one is being psychodynamic.... what you describe is standard for that modality. Psychodynamic is a long term therapy... so if you're really looking to work on your own stuff and ready for change, it might not suit.

Maybe shop around a bit more.

 

[Beans]

Perhaps explore the potential alternatives?

It's great to have a therapist that specialises in...

I 100% echo this. Trauma is a different ball game and typically needs someone who specializes in it or has had a lot of experience in it. In the meantime, if it feels, right watch some trauma specific youtube vids or books. Even reading books specifically on trauma recovery jump started me after feeling stagnant for a long time. Most importantly though, you are not beyond help. I know it feels that way some time, this stuff is difficult, but you'll find your way and make it through. :) Be kind to yourself. Good luck.

 

[client directed]

Sounds like the same problem I have with all of them. They take a 'client directed' approach which I think is stupid. I feel like it's the current 'in thing' or method in treating people with mental health issues and comes down to 'the inmates running the asylum.' If it's left up to me ill never get well because self sabotage is one of the main characteristics of my condition. It's really hard to find someone who's willing to 'push you around' in therapy but I am a firm believer that I at least need that. My current therapist is pretty good about it but she still sits back too much and does not challenge me like she should? And it really pisses me off that she does not follow up like you said she starts things and doesn't finish or talks about things and then forgets about it the next week. It's like no real continuity unless I do it. Why do I have to do everything? lol!