When is the right time to tell someone about ptsd in a relationship?

[Socha]

I usually don't tell people anything about having PTSD and only very close friends know a little about it but without any details. My last guy and I went from being close friends for over 10 years to being a couple, so I never had to tell him much before we started dating. Now that we've broken up for over a year ago I'm getting interested in guys again and there is even a guy I really like and might be interested in but I'm wondering if, how and when to tell someone about PTSD in a relationship?
Thinking about it makes me cringe but there are things I should probably tell a guy before there is any kind of sexual activity. But it's really difficult for me to talk about sex and/or PTSD. Even more with someone I don't already know for years and I feel like no matter what I do or don't do, there is no possible way to not let him know how f*cked-up I really am.

 

[Emily L]

You are so strong! Just felt like I needed to tell you that. Now let me get to my comment.

If you are worried about sex, make it known up front that maybe you aren't interested in sex for a while. You just want to get to know him and enjoy a relationship first. Then when you get to know this person well, and you trust them, and the time feels right, tell him. Don't do anything because you feel you have to, but because you want to. On the other hand, I completely do agree that I would at some point in time want to know this stuff about my partner. Remember, if he cares for you genuinely, he will want to help you through what you're going through. He will support you.

I wish you the best of luck, @Socha

 

[EveHarrington]

Thought challenge:

Are you really f*cked up or are you a person doing the best they can to deal with the hand they've been dealt?

My current experience...

I'm in a new relationship. He knew about my PTSD after day 5 (or so).... Maybe this sounds quick, but he was open and honest with me about his mental health struggles and so I decided to take a chance and be open and honest with him. I have zero regrets for doing so.

I don't know your situation. Me, I can't hide my symptoms. It's going to come out pretty soon that something is a little off. Maybe you could put it off until later-----and I'm not saying to hide it, rather let things grow a bit so he can see you as a wonderful person who happens to have PTSD......instead of getting scared away by a diagnosis he probably knows little about.

 

[Socha]

Unloading the crazy wagon on the first couple of dates would be too much - for him and for me but I also feel like it wouldn't be fair to wait until we're already into something that I'd call a relationship where he feels like he has to deal with it now and can't take it back and if he decides anyway that it's too much it would probably take me a while to put my life back together which means stress and symptoms.
To be honest, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who has mental health problems himself. My own struggles are more than enough for 2 already and I decided for me personally that I'm not doing myself or anyone else favors with being in a relationship with someone who's not stable himself. Twice the PTSD (or whatever else mental health problem) is twice the struggle. Maybe it's selfish but it's my experience.

The sex thing is more complicated than that... I'm worried about it but it's not that I'm not interested. Lots of mixed feelings, confusion and overthinking. It's an issue I have been avoiding as much as I could in and out of therapy and haven't had the guts to work on as much. I've come a long way on my healing journey though and in the beginning of a new relationship I'm usually doing really good and I guess people who don't know me well wouldn't know what's wrong, so he wouldn't know how bad it can get until he finds out about therapy and nightmares until we're having sex or until I'm getting stressed out and my symptoms are back full-blown.

And yes: I'd say I'm a somewhat f*cked up person who's doing the best I can and I'm ok with it most of the time ;).

 

[Anarchy]

Sending you hugs and lots of wishes of good luck :hug:

Beyond saying "see how things are going, and when you feel ready" I haven't got much advice to offer.

Being around the forum here, I tend to forget how poor my understanding of PTSD and especially of cPTSD was until I joined. I thought that it was only to do with being caught up in wars or held hostage:whistling:. So I suspect that you will have a lot to explain about what PTSD is, and how actual traumas are both difficult for us to talk about, and they're dangerous to listen to for people who don't have the training and support that therapists have.

I know that reading posts on the forum is very different to being with someone who's stressed out and upset... But there's a gentle strength that comes accross very clearly in your posts. (Stealing this from transactional analysis) we all have a feeling of "not ok" that we picked up as very small children, I think that you are perhaps being a bit harsh with yourself with the description of being screwed up.

It sounds like your life is going well, sending you good luck, you deserve some happiness
:hug:@

 

[Friday]

To be honest, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who has mental health problems himself.

There's a difference between

- You don't want to date someone with mental health problems
- You don't want to date someone who is attracted to you when you are doing badly (Groucho Marx : I don't want to belong to any club which would have me as a member).
- No one else is allowed to want to date someone with mental health issues, either, since you don't.

The first 2, IMO, are valid. You're making decisions based on what you want in your life.

The last 1, however is you deciding for other people what they want. Whether it's mental health, blondes, workaholics, aggressive, soft spoken, etc.? People like different things. It's okay for you to not want to date someone with PTSD, but for someone else to really dig dating people with PTSD.

 

[Socha]

- No one else is allowed to want to date someone with mental health issues, either, since you don't.
The first 2, IMO, are valid. You're making decisions based on what you want in your life.
The last 1, however is you deciding for other people what they want.

Maybe I didn't get your post right but...
Eve wrote that her guy was open about his mental health struggles and that she felt comfortable to tell him too after a few days, which is great! But in case the guy I met has some sort of serious problems it wouldn't be the guy for me, because I have had a relationship of 2.5 years with someone who wasn't stable himself and no matter how hard we tried, all our problems quadrupled. It was a great time in my life and I'm still thinking about him quite often because I never felt as close to someone before or after him, but it was exhausting too and I feel like I want and need a steady life and if I share it with someone, I need him to be an easy-going, laid-back guy, who can compensate for all the stir up that I'm creating at times.
I didn't mean that other people shouldn't date someone with PTSD, it's just not what I want in my life at this point.

 

[Friday]

LOL... I think we both misunderstood a bit! Or at least I did.

I misread what you wrote as a reason not to date, rather than a reason to tell someone early on, so that they can make an informed decision before feelings get involved.

 

[Cannottakethis]

I told my now husband pretty quickly, like after a week. We fell really hard for each other and it was after he'd asked me if I had any issues with addiction, as his ex was, and still is a heroin addict, and he couldn't deal with that. I was happy to say no to that, and then I explained my situation to him and luckily he was amazing. Mental health issues run in his family and he had a family member with ptsd so it wasn't unfamiliar to him. He has been an intregal part of my recovery and I feel blessed to have him.

 

[Deanna]

'm in a new relationship. He knew about my PTSD after day 5 (or so).... Maybe this sounds quick, but he was open and honest with me about his mental health struggles and so I decided to take a chance and be open and honest with him. I have zero regrets for doing so.

Be careful, I dated a mental health sruggellest, that had a PHD in mental stuggles with a minor in PTSD ( not an actual degree but "smarts" and yeah, he kmew I had PTSD, before I knew I had PTSD) What a ride that was! I barely left with my mind.. Just caution. (Of course, there is the not all but some... addendum)

I''m still new to my diagnosis.. so can't even speculate. As far as the OP, I really don't think I could do a "follow-up" appt on a relationship, for awhile, after a split.

 

[Anarchy]

I have had a relationship of 2.5 years with someone who wasn't stable himself and no matter how hard we tried, all our problems quadrupled.

I take it that his demons and your demons didn't get on?

That might not always be the case.:hug:

 

[The Albatross]

Yeah, I told my second husband all and early in dating.... a test of sorts, and he held steady. Part of it was wanting to push away, but he had met me in a college class and been seeing me around town for a couple years til we'd met again. Part of it was me wanting to just call a spade, a spade and just lay it out and if it's to heavy I understand shove off and look for somebody else but if you want we can just be friends. Part of me was testing this guy who just kept bouncing back, leaning in, and I figured if he was still wanting time with me after it was all "out there" in the open, well he just might, just might be worth my time and the effort it was gonna take to attempt another relationship.