Am i expecting too much from t?

[NightSky]

I've been thinking about your post for a couple of days.. I've had a similar situation although not the same circumstances.
I went back to work after maternity leave this past week, leaving my 8 month old son with a sitter for 8 hrs a day. I have been dreading this since I got pregnant. My T and I have been knee deep in trauma stuff lately and not so much day to day stuff. But back in the spring when I mentioned going back to work she said something like "we'll get through it." And then she ended up going away for two weeks right when my return to work was happening. I knew she was going away to drop her daughter off at college but thought it was one week. I think she thought she told me two, but she didn't. So in mid aug when she scheduled my next session for sept I was let down. And then she had to cancel the early sept session to put her dog to sleep. Not her fault.
I struggled with feeling abandoned. So I thought hard about what it would look like for her to be there in the way I felt like I needed her to. What could she have done? She emailed once telling me she was thinking about me. That was super nice. But did it take away the pain of leaving my son? Nope. In fact is there anything she could've done that would have taken that pain away? No. Even if she drove with me to drop him off and sat with me while I cried on the way to work. The hurt would still be there. I would still have to grieve this loss of time with him and I still will have to find our new normal.
I realized I just want her to take away the feelings that are hard to experience. But no matter what she does, she can't. I have to feel them. And I can feel them with her when I'm with her and she can be with me and help me learn how to be in them. That's what she can do for me. That is being there.
So I can be angry and feel abandoned and put up a wall. But that will only hurt me. so instead i will go in there Monday after not seeing her for almost a month and tell her yes I felt abandoned (she will ask if I did) but then I'll move on to the feelings caused by the event she wasn't there for. And hope we can work on them while we're together. Because moving forward I want to handle these situations in a healthy way (for me that looks like allowing emotions instead of shutting down,)
I don't know if any of this is helpful. But I admire how you're processing your reaction here.

 

[Suzetig]

I think I just want her to be my mom so much and be there for me like I'm a child who needs her

This would be excellent work to do in therapy - what it's like for you to want a mother figure, and have her care for you like her child. There's some really good reflection and self awareness there.

 

[barefoot]

@UnicornSightings - I have been following this thread with interest over the past few days, identifying with how hurt and let down you feel while also knowing that the replies you've had on this thread speak a lot of truth.

I have a similar thing with my therapist. She offers to do things but then doesn't always do them. Sometimes I think she forgets, other times I think other things come up, other times I think she is waiting for me to bring them up and I am expecting her to and I don't say anything myself.

And this also resonates with me:

I just get mad when she doesn't give the help I expect her to know I need without me saying it. Just like I expect her to make me talk about things I don't want to talk about in order to deal with them. And when she lets me decide again and again what I want to discuss I blame her for not caring enough to make me talk about things so I don't bring them up cause she obviously doesn't want to know.

Though I think that's a bit different to when she says things and then doesn't follow through. Because I think this is more about me not feeling able to express my needs...so that is about frustration with myself and lack of empowerment and discomfort with vulnerability and intimacy. And maybe my therapist bears the brunt of those feelings I have towards myself as they sometimes leak out as anger towards her. Hmm...

We actually had a conversation about some of this last session when she said that she sensed I was frustrated with her and that she felt that I felt (!) she was "not enough" in some way. And I got really snippy and defensive with her (so helpful!) Then I almost cried. And then I said that the thing I find very hard is when she doesn't do what she says she's going to do. And that I understand how she might forget or something else may get in the way that means it isn't possible - I'm not expecting her to be perfect or to prioritise me over everyone/everything in her life! But that, if she can't then do it, it drives me nuts when she/we don't acknowledge it. So, she says she'll do something (she doesn't promise - she never promises, which I think is good) then she doesn't do it but she doesn't let me know that she won't be able to do it and the makes no reference to the fact that she hasn't done it. And if I mention it, she gets quite defensive and feels quite criticised, I think.

Anyway....it felt very stressful having that conversation and I don't think it will change anything because I think she will continue as she is because it's not as if she is doing something "wrong". So, really, I need to find a way to not get so bothered and to not go to feeling abandoned/rejected/betrayed etc. Anyway...she did say that it was helpful for her to know that that was the thing that bothered me when we got into these kinds of situations. Maybe it has given her some useful information about me?!

Big congratulations on making the trip - that's huge!
And I hope that you can work things out with your therapist.

And this is spot on @NightSky

So I can be angry and feel abandoned and put up a wall. But that will only hurt me

I think I am making everything in therapy harder and more painful at the moment by being so guarded and shutting down and trying to keep my therapist at arm's length. It frustrates the hell out of me to know that I do this. But I don't really know how to do it differently?!

 

[Muttly]

I really have nothing to add as far as advice. What I do want to say is how impressed I am with the work you are doing. It takes a lot to be able to come back to a post that you found challenging like this and work through the comments the way you are doing. You are doing some excellent work and I know it can't be easy.

 

[UnicornSightings]

This is called "splitting". Making people black and white, all good or all bad.

Yup. This iss...

someone else told me that! I think my online t. Glad to know it's so common at least lol

I've been thinking about your post for a couple of days.. I've had a similar situation although not th...

This really resonated with me!!! Thank you for sharing. I, too want her to help me deal with my feelings somehow without me needing to feel them. I have been angry there, frustrated, embarrassed, anxious, nervous and happy. That's pretty much it. I TELL her when certain things make me sad or if I felt shame but I don't feel it there. Or much on my own. And somehow when I disclose really vulnerable things I want her to do more than listen. I want her to take away the pain that I'm too afraid to feel. Like hey t, do your voodoo magic and make this crap disappear. That's what I'm paying you for. Lol. But alas, it doesn't work that way. I don't get how it works. If I ever break down and cry there, she will watch me and then I will leave? Like what?! How is that helpful?! If I let you on and you see that you need to be there for me every second in case it comes back lol. The title of this post is pretty fitting. I DO expect a lot from her. More than anyone could give. I want her to make up for all the crap I went through. I'm sorry that things are a new normal for you. How are you handling it now vs when it just began? Has it gotten any easier? Really appreciate the share!

This would be excellent work to do in therapy - what it's like for you to want a mother figure, and hav...

This sounds god awful!! Strong reactions seem to always be my compass so I like it but omg. How embarrassing and needy that would be to try to ask for! And I don't ask for things there. I don't even know what I would say. She knows she's my transference mom and at some point I wrote to her in a freak out moment and told her I was obsessed with her (meaning therapy with her, not her herself which she knows). I did alert her I'm not building a cage for her in my basement so I think we're both feeling normal about things lol!!!

Maybe I'll show her what you wrote. Maybe I'll journal about it. Thank you for commenting!

 

[UnicornSightings]

@UnicornSightings - I have been following this thread with interest over the past f...

Love that you shared all this and while it makes me happy to know I'm not alone in being angry with my t, I'm so sorry you're going through this as well!!! Maybe we can both really get something out of this. I have told my t every little thing I was never gonna tell her. I wrote her emails and then read them at our next session. It was easier to do it that way. So I got a LOT out in a very short time. And shortly after she took away the emails because of something unrelated but still encouraged me to write and bring it in to read. But I'm just so angry now. She knows all that so why the hell is she still there? Why hasn't she told me to get out. Why hasn't she rejected me? In a freak out moment there I started the session with telling her "you've known me for like 2 and a half years now and you know everything. Why don't you hate me?! I don't understand why you don't hate me, you must..." and the rant continued for awhile. I forget a lot of what I say there because I'm so very anxious but she has a memory like a steel trap. Which is nice except for when it's not. I can't really pretend I didn't say something or act like something isn't a big deal when I've told her before it is because she will remind me.

How do we work through our anger there? Well, bitching at my t doesn't help. I don't recommend that path. Telling her I'm so angry and her but I can't discuss it because she will get offended and then shutting down doesn't help, either. She doesn't end up begging me to talk like I hoped lol. Asking what do I do when all you get is hurt when I yell at you also isn't effective. So. What else is there? Well, I can say things like "I'm angry at you for this list of reasons and I'd like to explore maybe why that emotion is showing up and I'd like your help". That had a bit of a different energy to it and seems to be more like an investigative thing rather than "here's a list of reasons why you suck as a person" lol!!! I really, really wish she would just give me the dang instruction manual though. It'd be way easier.

What have you tried with your t in your anger moments?

I really have nothing to add as far as advice. What I do want to say is how impressed I am with the work...

Aww thank you! It's so helpful to be reminded you're doing something difficult! One of my values that I recently came up with is honesty and especially with myself so it's so important to see things as they are and not just as I want them to be, you know? And maybe I have moments of being reactive and getting upset but those are temporary and once I've calmed I can work again on removing the blinders that I grew up with. And isn't that a constant thing for us all? To go from such a narrow scope to seeing things in a more open way but do it again and again because your default is to live in your own little world with your own little perspective. Which is where you can get stuck if you're not careful. So I'm good with being wrong and admitting it after I have my tantrum :)

 

[UnicornSightings]

I had to cancel our next session (this Tuesday) because now I'm sick. Oh the irony lol! I guess that gives me more time to write out a plan for how I want to move forward there.

 

[Scarlet13]

@UnicornSightings - I have been following this thread with interest over the past f...

I can identify with this. I can feel angry with my T sometimes because she promises little things. Like she said she was going to watch a movie that I was really influenced by and then didn't, she said she was going to email some info and didn't on multiple occasions. I feel like the next time she says she is going to do something, saying, "Don't bother!" Because what am I, a teenager (and not a 38 year old adult)? Attachments are so hard. I can remember how I made her legitimately angry at me when I got sick after she had been sick. She had seen me when she was sick as I was not doing well. Then I said to her, "You got me sick." we had to psychoanalyze that. She said I made her feel stuck. She came into help me and then she got me sick. It was pretty shitty on my part. I am learning to be a better person.

 

[barefoot]

I can say things like "I'm angry at you for this list of reasons and I'd like to explore maybe why that emotion is showing up and I'd like your help".

This sounds very grown up and calm! I may steal this line :-)

I really, really wish she would just give me the dang instruction manual though

Oh, tell me about it! I spend a lot of time feeling frustrated and furious with myself because I'm so rubbish at therapy and never feel like I'm doing it right. Who's got the road map?!

What have you tried with your t in your anger moments?

To be honest, not a lot! I tend to feel more angry outside of sessions, then I go into a session, see her and then the anger dissipates and I'm glad to see her. The few times I have brought something up, it has turned into a bit of a prickly, defensive exchange. And I find that very stressful and then often either shut down and absolutely, stubbornly, refuse to be in relationship with her. Or I panic, feel tearful and then try to make her like me <eye roll>

It's a complicated dynamic...!

I've noticed recently that, when I share something particularly difficult with her - maybe something that feels shameful to me - so vulnerability and intimacy is ramped, I often feel angry with her afterwards and feel like I need to disconnect from her. So, I share something vulnerable, then I find a reason to be annoyed with her or to find her less trustworthy, then she is safely at arm's length. We have talked a bit before about my challenges around intimacy - including intimacy with her in the therapeutic space - and I am thinking now that we should probably revisit that and delve around in it more.

I actually really think I should steal your line above and try to focus on what is triggering these feelings and what's really going on. Because, sure, sometimes she has over-promised and sometimes she has dropped the ball. But she is supportive and patient and genuinely on my side and trying to help and I'm sure that when whip myself into a stressed out, disappointed, betrayed fury, it is not really her that I am angry with.

Anyway, sorry to hear that you're now poorly and have had to cancel your next therapy session. As you say though, a little more reflection time to mull over how you'd like to try to move forward. Wishing you better soon!

 

[UnicornSightings]

I can identify with this. I can feel angry with my T sometimes because she promises little things. Li...

Lol! I totally relate to the "don't bother!" part!!! I'm like a child there so often...

 

[UnicornSightings]

This sounds very grown up and calm! I may steal this line :)



Oh, tell me about it! I spend a lot o...

Steal away! I doubt I'll say something that adult lol!!

Omg I totally do the same thing. If I make her mad or am just a jerk I try way too hard to try to reverse it. Apologizing profusely, complimenting her, it's so dang embarrassing. Soooo afraid any little thing make make her leave me. Hard to feel so powerless, right?

I also am a huge fan of distance after I've opened up to her! But I try to make it her fault somehow lol. God, we humans are crazy as hell aren't we?!!! :)

And thank you! It's just a cold, prob picked it up on the flight home. And now I LOVE my t again because I emailed her to cancel and she replied in 20 min saying "welcome back! Sorry to hear you're sick. Look forward to hearing about your trip and catching up!" and I'm thinking now "omg she's the greatest thing ever omg I can't wait to see her I never, ever want to leave her!!!"

It is so crazy, the love/hate.

 

[UnicornSightings]

This sounds very grown up and calm! I may steal this line :)



Oh, tell me about it! I spend a lot o...

Would love to stay updated on how your session goes if you say something like that!!