Relationship My ptsd partner is pulling away....

[confusedpartner]

My partner is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and has been diagnosed with PTSD. right now she says she feels numb and doesn't have any clear romantic or physical feelings for me. she decided to move out of our home. she isn't sure if she is able to continue the relationship but she wants to try taking some space. she says its possible she may have lost attraction for me but she is generally really confused about everything. she doesn't know what is a symptom of the trauma or what is real. she says I am special and she is afraid to lose me. I want to give her the space she needs and give her recovery priority, but I fear she is leaving a healthy relationship because she thinks she can't handle it. maybe she truly can't handle being in a relationship but we've been so good and strong up until recently and I'm afraid that she is selling herself short and is afraid to be in a committed and safe partnership. I want to help and support her in anyway I can but she is pulling away and its very upsetting and heartbreaking. I have know idea what I can or should do in this situation...

 

[Deleted member 31998]

Hi There,

I'm sorry to see that you're going through such a rough time with this. Being a CSA survivor is really a hard concept to grasp for the person suffering with it, as we're constantly dissociating without realizing it. Due to her confusion about whether it is her actual feelings or the PTSD, that in itself could negate to dissociation without her realizing it.

A tell-tale sign of C-PTSD/PTSD is not thinking you're adequate/valid/enough for a relationship. It sounds like she's in a state of not knowing what is her reality, mixed with possible feelings of not being lovable. I am guilty of pulling away when things seem too good to be true; my mind will always default to, "alright so when are they leaving me as well?" even though I'm always the one who ends up walking away from things.

At this time, give her space. Let her know that you're there for her. That you aren't with anyone else and only have eyes for her. Remember to take care of yourself though too. Best of luck.

 

[dulcia]

I agree that giving her the space she wants is a good idea. Is she in therapy? Has anything else happened recently that could be contributing the the change?

 

[confusedpartner]

Thank you so much for your responses. It does seem like she is dissociating right now and I'm afraid she is doing this to temporarily cope with her stress, I fear that in the long term this will not be what is best for her. It seems like she made a very sudden decision to move out and I fear that her desire to isolate herself and avoid the challenges of our relationship is doing more damage than good. I agree that we currently need to take some space but this decision to move out seems too drastic and harmful to our relationship. I feel blindsided by her choice and a little disrespected that she didn't want to communicate more clearly with me and try to work through this together. I feel like if our relationship has a chance we need to make these big decisions together and communicate more effectively. I feel a bit abandoned emotionally by her sudden decision to leave and it has placed me in a difficult financial situation to occupy our apartment alone.

She does attend therapy when she can but unfortunately cannot afford to go regularly. I do think she needs to prioritize her recovery more than she does but I understand she needs to be in control of her decisions. I know that counselling is the only thing that will help her in the long term.

She has also recently started attending university full time and is overwhelmed by the workload, which is no doubt contributing to her stress load. She does feel guilty that she can't be the kind of partner she thinks I deserve but I appreciate her for so much more than for physical intimacy and I really don't want her to feel like she is inadequate in the relationship.

 

[NaeNae75]

We go through this fairly regularly. Too regularly in my opinion. My s/o always takes off without even telling me usually until after he leaves so that I DON'T talk him out of it. He's done it at least once a year since we've been together, almost 8 years now. He has always come back, even though when he leaves he says super hurtful things and "blames me" for everything. I grew up in a PTSD household, and have it myself...but it still doesn't make it any easier.

In the meantime, take care of yourself and make yourself available if you still want things to work. Is it fair? Nope...but if you want somethings to work, they aren't very fair. I can't say that it will work out, but the only way it will, is if you maintain your sanity as much as possible, and shoulder the load for a while. That's generally what I do...even when it completely pisses me off.

I realize you think this is harmful for the relationship in the long run, but that isn't her primary concern. You need to realize that she isn't doing this from a "normal" place. In some ways, if she isn't feeling safe, this is the only thing she can do, and you have to be the one to decide if maintaining the relationship is worth your patience....and it takes a LOT of it!

I wish you the best, I'm going through it again right now, and I understand first hand the overwhelming emotions that are involved. Best wishes for your journey.

 

[WTF Happened]

Confused, thank you for sharing your story and please do keep connecting with everyone on here. It’s really helpful in understanding what your partner is going through.

I heard very, very similar things when my partner left. How long has she been gone from your apartment? Has she done this before? I’m really sorry that you’re now in a financial bind with the apartment and that you’re going through this really painful, confusing experience.

Remember, what she is going through has nothing to do with you and has nothing to do with how good a partner you are. I remember with me for the longest time I couldn’t possibly fathom why my ex would leave the healthiest relationship of her life (her words). But as someone mentioned above, there are huge self-worth issues tied into this and a lot of confusion. What I’m focusing on right now is loving my ex by allowing her to be who she is and not wanting her to be anyone different. That may mean never seeing her again. But she has every right to heal how she wants to heal.

 

[WTF Happened]

Oh, and one last but important thing: they are doing the best they can. I really believe that.

 

[Freida]

Sufferer here....and my hubby could have written this. Not sure about your gal .but here's me....

right now she says she feels numb and doesn't have any clear romantic or physical feelings for me. she decided to move out of our home

Yep. When I'm numb it's IMPOSSIBLE to decide if I feel like, love, happy, sad. I just exist. emotions? What are those? Intellectually I know I'm hurting the people in my life so in my view its better for them if I go away because I know Im doing something wrong and I can't fix it

she is generally really confused about everything. she doesn't know what is a symptom of the trauma or what is real.

Yep. If hubby and I fight is it because I'm mad at him or am I drowning in intrusive thoughts and taking it out on him? I truly don't know sometimes

It seems like she made a very sudden decision to move out and I fear that her desire to isolate herself and avoid the challenges of our relationship is doing more damage than good

Yep. Is this the first time? You must understand..isolation can be critical to survival. It's not a thought process. It's an instinct. It could be triggered by relationship issues or by work or school or weather or...but when the need hits it is almost impossible to ignore. I think it is one of the most damaging aspects of PTSD in a relationship. Hubby and I have rules I agree to follow but it is sooo very hard some times

She has also recently started attending university full time and is overwhelmed by the workload, which is no doubt contributing to her stress load

Ya Think?

Heres something that helps me. Time. Ill come out of it eventually but it takes time. Offer her that. agree that if she comes home you will leave her alone until she can get the need to run under control. No relationship conversations, no bugging about what she's up to, no long sighs when you think she's being difficult on purpose. I

When I'm in flight mode I need a place to be safe and alone. It took us a long time to figure out how to do that under one roof but eventually we

 

[EveHarrington]

Be her rock. She is going to need someone who is thinking from a logical and rational place. Let her know that you are there for her, but give her space at the same time.

 

[confusedpartner]

She is moving out tomorrow. this past week or so that we've both been at home has been extremely hard. she's been showing almost no affection towards me. I can tell she is trying to be nice but its not her. She says that she is sad to leave but that it is necessary. This is the first time she is leaving, I don't know why she needs to move out for good instead of just taking some temporary space. She thinks this will be the best thing for our relationship in the long run, but the fact that she presently feels disconnected from the relationship and has to move seems like a really bad sign. I want to be emotionally strong and supportive for her, but she doesn't seem to be giving me much signs of hope for our relationship. I really don't want to lose her, and I hope we can overcome this, but how can I know if I am putting too much emotional investment in a relationship thats not healthy? If she can't understand her feelings for me now, will she ever? will she forever be confused and withdrawing? Are there any heathy rules or guidelines that can be set to manage some sort of consistency in the relationship? I there a chance if I give unwavering patience and support that I may be enabling her? can I fairly have any expectations? can she be held accountable for times when her actions are insensitive towards me? I want to give her anything and everything she needs but I also want to have some equality in the relationship and some common goals.

 

[Tinyflame]

1. how can I know if I am putting too much emotional investment in a relationship thats not healthy?
2. If she can't understand her feelings for me now, will she ever?
3. will she forever be confused and withdrawing?
4. Are there any heathy rules or guidelines that can be set to manage some sort of consistency in the relationship?
5. I there a chance if I give unwavering patience and support that I may be enabling her?
6.can I fairly have any expectations?
7. can she be held accountable for times when her actions are insensitive towards me?
8. I want to give her anything and everything she needs but I also want to have some equality in the relationship and some common goals.

I'm sorry I must go, but only MHO to say:

1. The complications related to ptsd will likely always be there, to some degree, especially with stressors
2.Probably, if it was a deep relationship
3. It takes a very, very long time to develop true trust.
4. Absolutely. Those are boundaries.
5. I doubt it, not those qualities. But you have a right to your own limits.
6. Yes. Tempered with reality of the condition.
7. Yes, but I'd give the caveat of how you feel and why, not blaming her, nor should she blame you, ie communication eg Insensitivity might be the by-product, not the intent.
8. You have to decide how or if the relationship provides or fulfills that. Goals have to be mutual and the people have to be willing, capable, respectful and honest with each other to share those.

I am sorry for your situation. :( The only thread/ diary (?) I can recall years ago but have no time to look for, where people got back together after breaking up was a supporter called seekingserenity , I think?- 'serenity' was in the name I'm pretty sure?, had a sweet red Mickey and Minnie Mouse on the moon as an avatar. But I knew him a bit, and he was really madly in love with her and it wouldn't be appropriate for everyone to compare, every relationship is different. But he had a really, really deep understanding of ptsd and navigating it successfully as the '3rd' person in the relationship and still maintaining the spark and tenderness.

Best wishes to you both. :hug:

Ps, here is the person, I found it, no avatar, posted a link to one thread with name if you want.

Sufferer - What To Do??
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[Willowtree]

Hi confusedpartner,

I don't have any words of wisdom or anything for you unfortunately. I just want to chime in because my ex is a surivior of CSA and has CPTSD as well. I had no idea, and it ripped our relationship apart.

I just wanted to validate your feelings, and let you know that yes you so deserve equality and support as well. It's just.....She is not capable of giving it to you, especially if she is overwhelmed and not in consistent treatment.

I feel for you, I still love my sufferer even though he has chosen to be without me now. Keep coming on the forums and maybe see a therpaist of your own. It helped me so much and it opened my eyes to a lot.

Sending you support.