Considering quitting therapy and worse.

[Justmehere]

My therapist knows I’m in the middle of the hardest 3-4 weeks in the past year. We knew it was coming two months ago - a mix of work and other matters, and a doozy of a trauma anniversary.

We were on the fence about doing trauma work this week. I thought maybe it would be best to cancel therapy for a week and get through this week at work and use the extra time to sleep. We scheduled anyhow...

I pushed myself at work and canceled an appointment with her on Tuesday knowing I might not get in this week. We had nothing else scheduled.

I can’t sleep. She doesn’t know I’m dealing with suicidal thoughts. We don’t really have a plan about that other it has tell her and if she’s too busy I should go to the ER and when I told her once before she was too busy. ER was traumatic. I don’t see the point in telling her. I asked if we could talk on the phone... she said she’d try to find time but maybe not. I really don’t like in between session contact with this therapist. Or any. My old one quit via text. It was awwwful....

My therapist tried to find a spot this week, there was none. The next possibility is one time next Friday. That’s the soonest. I’d have to work my whole schedule around everyone else again to burn myself out to make it work. I could do that.

She’s not doing anything wrong. I haven’t either. I simply miscalculated and PTSD sucks and I’ll manage.

Something came up yesterday before finding out that she can’t see me this week. My therapist’s name came across my desk at work... she’s been hired by an agency that harmed me. Like this the police arrested one of the people there.... It was a really bad situation that I’m not going to get into any further. I was injured badly. My insurance actually still denies all mental health claims based on what this agency said to try to defend themselves for what they allowed to happen. The insurance wants me to go there the agency says no, I’d rather eat dog shit than been seen at that agency. I exhausted all options short of a lawsuit. A lawyer did try to resolve it to allow me to try to let me get care elsewhere, etc. It was too much for me to handle back then. I couldn’t do it.

I now pay out of pocket for all mental health care to avoid the whole thing. It’s terrible but it was a choice to pay for care of pocket, or pay for a lawsuit to maybe eventually pay for care. I decided to take the loss and pay for care. It’s much better care than I would have gotten anyhow.

So I tell myself.

She didn’t tell me she was hired there, she wouldn’t have had any reason to tell me she was hired there. She doesn’t know where I had a bad experience. Never asked, I never said. Her office is in another city. I found out in a purely professional situation, and I can manage my work so that I have nothing to do with that matter professionally.

But now my therapist is their employee and... that’s why she had the limited schedule and can’t see me on Friday like we though would be an option. She has always worked two jobs and this new secdin job replaces her old second job... that’s why the schedule change. She told me that. Just not where the new job is...

I can’t tak to her about this until I see her. I know I should just sit on it and go manage myself until then.

But I want to quit.

I have no other options for therapy. Yeah, I’ve looked. The other trauma therapists are all with the insurance... I’d have to fight the insurance.

I’m already suicidal, with a wonderful therapist who works several jobs... I know her limits. This was all expected - I just didn’t know where she had been hired..:

My life outside all of this is totally out of whack and it hit me yesterday, hard.

I really just need someone in person here for me. There isn’t anyone. Just lots of people need big things from me.

Not sure what to do. She works there now, that place, she may even see the records of what happened to me, but just the agency ones not the police report and... I went to her in a totally far off city from me to get away from that place and she works there now.

I could use some outside perspectives on this. I’m stupidly spinning out.

 

[Friday]

Of COURSE you've kicked right into avoidance... Dealing with her being hired by the agency & all the stuff that goes along with that... Would be a big deal even if you were in a clear space.

With these weeks' stressors already through the roof? Pfft. Adding one more is just a really bad idea. But you don't have to quit therapy, or die, to avoid having to deal with it. It's the smart & rational response to recognize that this is too much to deal with, right now. Your brain has "just" come up with some rather extreme options to avoid it (I could quit therapy, voila! I could die, voila!), and has sort of skipped the middle ground. This mess? Isn't something you need to do right now, and in fact, the smart thing to do -IMO- would be to avoid dealing with it.

My personal recommendation would be to place a moratorium on big decisions (like quitting therapy, and worse) until these weeks' stresses are over. You don't have to quit therapy, to avoid having to deal with this mess until your plate is less full. You can still quit therapy in a few weeks, if you want to. I'm not saying don't do it, entirely. Just that the decision doesn't have to be made right now. That whole mess? Can get in line, and wait, until you've gotten through this piece with work & other stuff, first.

ETA

If avoidance in the smart thing right now?
- What are some smart ways to be able to avoid it?

Since you know your stress cup is already at capacity;
- Are there any things you could be doing to lower your stress that you aren't doing already?
- How are your basics? Eaten recently? Slept? Taken some time for yourself? HALT? (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired)
- With all the taking care of everyone else would a checklist of self-care items help? So that "you" are on your own schedule / item list?

 

[Justmehere]

@Friday

Yeah, you are right.

This all started with a night of zero sleep. Zero. Tired. Then I couldn’t eat. Felt alone. Angry? Yep. HALT, its all there. Time to stop.

It turns out the decision may have been made already at the clinic... but she has to at least see me again and help me sort this out but no no no I have been paying thousands to avoid this. And maybe this is all fine. My brain isn’t clear. I can’t make any decisions.

Now of all the weeks it has to be this one for this to pop up?!

My (stress) cup overflowth.

I need to put this all away. Use my avoidance. Sort it out later.

Thank you!!! This is helping my clear-as-mud thinking settle out. I’m going to go get food....

 

[scout86]

Sort it out later.

Good plan!

One more thought. I don't, personally, know you, or your T. (Obviously) The best I can do is try to imagine this situation if it was me & mine. He's pretty much proven himself to be someone I can trust and someone who has my best interests at heart. (Of course, I COULD be wrong. :cautious:) So, if something like you described were to come up, first chance I got, I'd tell him what I learned, and how I learned it, and tell him what happened at that place, in the past. Chances are, he doesn't know. Possibly he doesn't know enough about the place to realize they aren't people he can work with. OR, maybe they've seen the error of their ways & hiring someone like him is a good sign. And, maybe, it will work out so I can keep seeing him AND have my insurance pay for it. Maybe a lot of things.

Sounds like it's a complicated situation and there are a lot of moving parts. There isn't really anything you can do about it right now, so you may as well put it on hold and get through the week. Then talk to your T. Things might work out better than you expect. She knows you, she'll listen to your side of things. You've got a good relationship, from the sound of it, and are making good progress working together. This is just one more thing to work through. Chances are it will be ok.

 

[Justmehere]

Chances are, he doesn't know.

Yeah. She doesn’t know what happened other then I had a horrible experience somewhere, and I don’t think she’ll be able to find out from the agency anything more than they refuse to see me. It has been 12 years...

Possibly he doesn't know enough about the place to realize they aren't people he can work with. OR, maybe they've seen the error of their ways & hiring someone like him is a good sign.

I want to believe they have seen the error of their ways, just by the fact they started a trauma center and they want her to be a part of it. She’s sooooo good with trauma. I mean, she can deal with me when they couldn’t! She has said before how badly run agencies like this can be, and she’s working herself how to navagite it and not get burned out “by all the stupid.” Her long term goal is a full clinic of her own... that gives me hope maybe she won’t be thrown if/when she finds out from them or me it went wrong. Legally I was labeled the victim but in their notes I’m not sure. I don’t want to know anymore.

And, maybe, it will work out so I can keep seeing him AND have my insurance pay for it. Maybe a lot of things.

So many maybes.

I am heartbroken I can not get myself to trust how committed she is to me. And she has said she is committed.

I think I’m thrown by how deeply I just don’t want to lose her right now, and not because of THIS of all things.

But I can put it away for later and she and I can figure out a way through, I hope. I going to try to trust that we can.

Thanks for helping me think this through! It’s beginning to sit better with me.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

((((((((((JMH))))))))))

 

[Muttly]

I agree with Friday in all that is said. Now is a time to focus on the basics and not make major decisions. You have the option of quitting therapy. That will be true in a few weeks too. You don't need to figure everything out right now.

I don't know if it will help, but keep in mind that that place is just a part time job for her. Its not who she is. And yes, it sucks, but you can put away until you see her. And in the meantime, you have us here to support you.

 

[scout86]

What @Muttly said. ^^^^

I can not get myself to trust how committed she is to me.

That's understandable. Lots of people have proven to not be trustworthy, true? In a way, this is the kind of situation that builds trust. If "trust" is never challenged, it never gets the chance to prove up. Then, I think, it lacks a certain level of meaning. But, obviously, there's a risk that goes with that. And it feels even MORE dangerous when your past, and "trusting" have been bad.

I'm hoping she'll prove up. She sounds like that's probable. If she disappoints you? People have done that before and you've found a way through. You have more skills now than you've had in the past. Quitting is always an option, but navigating the situation might be a valuable experience too, you might as well give it, and her, and yourself, a chance. I have faith in you and I'd guess most everyone else here does too!

 

[Justmehere]

I told my primary care doctor about the matter to see if they had suggestions of other treatment options or if they could see if there is a way to fix the matter with the agency. They said there had to be a way to resolve it and they would call the agency.

My primary care doctor notified me today they are terminating my care. No explaination. Nothing.

I can’t even get meds refilled for regular medical problems which were supposed to be refilled Nov 5. I asked about that. I was directed to the ER for all medical care needs. No referral even to a primary care doc.

I don’t understand this. This doctor and I got along great. It’s a solo practice. I spoke to her directly yesterday. One call to them and she quits. I don’t even know what was said or why.

My therapist is now working for this agency...

 

[Muttly]

wtf????? That is terrible.

This is one of those points in life where you have to take things one tiny step at a time. Perhaps it's time to find an advocate who can help you wade through this quagmire. If that's something you are interested in doing, I might be able to do some research. There has to be a way through this, please hang on.

 

[Justmehere]

Lots of people have proven to not be trustworthy, true? In a way, this is the kind of situation that builds trust. If "trust" is never challenged, it never gets the chance to prove up. Then, I think, it lacks a certain level of meaning. But, obviously, there's a risk that goes with that. And it feels even MORE dangerous when your past, and "trusting" have been bad.

This. Exactly this.

I thought about this, and about giving my therapist a chance to maybe be different. To see if this bump in the road could be a chance to build trust. To risk it. I mean, worst case scenario... I’ve been through much worse than anything she could ever do. Much much worse.

After my doctor quit, I called her. We rarely have between session contact (mostly at my request...) I had someone cover for me at work - switched hours with them, and walked. Miles. I walked miles and miles, loud music playing through my headphones, trying to chill and breathe. She called me while I was walking.

I shut down. Totally shut down. That’s never happened before with her. When I finally said anything, I told her I was off track and not trusting my own thinking and feelings at all...

She was ok with me not telling her what came up on the phone... She said whatever it was, I was clear I needed to talk about it face to face, and she was really ok about that and even said if I didn’t want to ever say it, that’s ok too. I can keep it to myself too.

She said “maybe we can think of another way for you to test it with me?” She made up possible scenarios and told me how she would handle them. She had me making up scenarios too.

We even got to laughing about funny terrible scenarios.

She wasn’t phased my doctor quit. She said she sorta expects I’ll probably try to push her away and try to convince her to quit. She said we’ll talk it through and she’ll try to not listen or agree with *anyone* who convinces her to quit, including myself, or anyone else “from anywhere” and she will keep her own boundaries in her life and in her private practice thankyouverymuch.

I started to chill. She was so adamant that if someone said something to her about me, we’ll talk about it. Try to work it through.

As for my stupid doctor and this agency? Ugh. I dunno what to do. I get really derailed even thinking about it. This doc - ugh. I’ll find a new one... @Muttly, thanks for being so kind.

Right now, if she sticks this out, it makes other things a lot easier.

 

[scout86]

I'm glad you did that and really glad she handled it like she did!

I've been trying to imagine what would cause your GP to react like that. Can't come up with anything, really. But, it makes me wonder what the other agency said and whether or not it was ethical. Or legal, for that matter. Much less whether or not it has a basis in reality. Sounds pretty odd. I mean, wouldn't even renew a prescription on a "just this one last time" basis? That borders on malpractice, in my not-at-all-qualified-to-have-an-opinion opinion.

Hang in there!