General Shut outs/blocking

[Buttercup]

NaeNae I wish I could give you a big hug for what you just wrote! Thank you.

I definitely want to do the hard work, but the question is with him. Is he willing? And for him the work entails a lot more struggle than it does with me. Dealing with harder stuff. So we shall see is all I can say for him and me!

 

[LB226]

Hi ladyboss (love that name!), no he has not contacted me but I do expect to hear from him at some p...

Nae Nae and Buttercup,
Thank you both for your insight. This forum and personal feedback is so helpful, at least for me, in the healing process. I feel as a supporter (whom knew very little of what my suffer was dealing with) others stories and experiences help to fill in all the empty holes I'm left with.

My guy was going through a flare up and in the midst of it he started going through my cell phone reading texts I had sent to friends. He read text messages I sent to a male friend about my sufferer having PTSD and how it was very stressful on our relationship. These text messages were sent to this friend because I was reaching out for support. It was at that time I had begun to see the depth of my ex's PTSD and it was overwhelming for me. I was still in the very early stages of truly understanding how PTSD affects relationships, but I knew something was very wrong with our relationship.
Upon reading the texts, he accused me of cheating on him and betraying him because I had confided in another man. That was the end. His mission was to eradicate me from his life in a matter of days. Every time I would try to explain to him about the text and give him the correct context, he would scream profanities at me. I moved out of the house within days as his verbal abuse became so frightening that I thought it may escalate to physical abuse. To this day, we have not had a face to face conversation about the texts. He refused to hear me out and he still believes I cheated on him.
Therefore, (Buttercup) as you mentioned, the context of our fight was what caused the big meltdown.
I struggle with my ex not knowing the truth of my actions. I don't understand why he wouldn't want to hear the truth. I really had thought in a few days he would have regulated and we would have had a rational conversation about the texts, but he never gave me the chance, and it still hasn't happened.. going on 5 weeks now.
I never cheated on him and it breaks my heart that he not only believes that, but he's told his family and friends that as well.
Like I said buttercup, I don't think he will ever contact me again being he believes I betrayed him.

How in the world do I move forward with this man believing a flat out lie about me??!!! His belief in this lie caused him to sever the relationship in the most violent way. Oh this is soooooo painful!!!

 

[NaeNae75]

Nae Nae and Buttercup,
Thank you both for your insight. This forum and personal feedback is so hel...

First of all, I don't want what I say to sound like I'm accusing you of anything. On the sufferer's side....he probably does see this as a betrayal. PTSD is his fight...and even though you're dealing with the day to day fallout, I understand why he was hurt by this. I'm not condoning his actions, but trying to get you to see his POV too.

It would probably be hard for him to feel okay with even your girlfriends knowing without feeling some sort of pain if he isn't dealing with it himself yet. To tell another guy....painful. Put yourself in his shoes. If he went to a female friend of his and was telling her something you felt to be very personal and were self conscience about...you would also likely be furious. It's human nature.

Now compound it with PTSD and all of the symptoms. The difficulty in trusting anyone in the first place. He likely truly feels this as a betrayal of that trust, and that's almost impossible to come back from.

I promise I'm not judging you, and I'm not trying to be cruel...I'm just trying to be honest. You need to know the truth, so that in the future, you don't repeat these types of things. Even a normal man would have a hard time with you texting another man about personal stuff about them. It's just reality.

You asked why he wouldn't want to know the truth...but the truth is it is a betrayal of some sort. Physical cheating isn't the only way to betray trust in a relationship. I'll bring up Brene Brown again. If you get the chance watch her you tube stuff on trust, and her definition of B.R.A.V.I.N.G.

I wish you the best of luck moving forward.

 

[LB226]

Nae nae
I agree with you and do not feel judged by you. You have been very kind in your words and explanations.. thank you.
I know even a man without PTSD would be hurt. And yes, i would be hurt if i found him talking to another confidant about struggles of mine. I get it completely and i can empathize with his pain and feelings of betrayal.
But add ptsd into the mix and there is was no option for forgiveness on his part. While my ex was in his flare up i felt like there was no safe time to open up the dialogue and that's when i reached out to a friend.
I apologized to my ex over and over but it was too much for him to process, hence him ending the relationship.
My ex didn't trust anyone including me and that's why he looked at my texts, which i feel was wrong on his part. I had told him just a week earlier that his actions and moods scared me. Maybe that's what prompted him to look at my phone...no clue.
A was devoted to this man, even realizing the hard road ahead.

But i see your perspective on this 100%.
Where as most people may work to forgive and move forward, ptsd complicates that process 10 fold.
I get it. It just sucks. :(
Thank you, friend.

 

[NaeNae75]

I'm glad you didn't take it the wrong way. The whole thing can be a rough ride, that's for sure.
I hope you can find what you need.

 

[Buttercup]

ladyboss this situation really sucks. I know it is so hard for you to go through. Having said that, I think he has done you a favor. If his moods were already scaring you, and then he verbally abused you and threatened you with physical violence, I don't see that things would have turned out well at all. I think having things end when you didn't get to opportunities for more, and possibly more violent abuse, is best in the long run.

And I feel very strongly about this. So much so, that if he does contact you in the future, you should really think about these things.

 

[Buttercup]

p.s. NaeNae, watching Brene Brown now :):headphone:

 

[LB226]

Buttercup and nae nae
It eases my pain to know someone understands my experience. My family cannot relate to any of it (ptsd), as it's just as foreign to them as it was to me.
Im thankful for this forum, as well as you both taking the time to reach out to me.
So grateful to you both!!

 

[NaeNae75]

p.s. NaeNae, watching Brene Brown now :):headphone:

I absolutely love her! Her thoughts keep me level and are thought provoking.

Buttercup and nae nae
It eases my pain to know someone understands my experience. My family cannot relate to any of it (ptsd), as it's just as foreign to them as it was to me.
Im thankful for this forum, as well as you both taking the time to reach out to me.
So grateful to you both!!

You're welcome. My family is riddled with PTSD, but it is still a taboo subject to them... sooooo stupid! My dad refuses treatment and everyone acts like it's"normal". But because of my s/o and I getting counseling, there's something wrong with us... so even with it prevalent, it doesn't mean anyone will get it.

Happy to help. It helps me too.

 

[grimalkin]

On the sufferer's side....he probably does see this as a betrayal.

I'd love it if my sufferer would at the very least find a forum like this.

I dread him finding *this* forum because, well, it probably would mean he'd completely shut me out of his life entirely. He knows I'm on a PTSD forum/website, but I think the knowing of it's existence is one thing. Shining light on his illness? That would probably not be forgivable.

Considering he can't forgive me for something I didn't even say, well...:wtf:

 

[NaeNae75]

I'd love it if my sufferer would at the very least find a forum like this.

I dread him finding *this...

I think being on an anonymous site is quite different than talking to friends without him knowing. Talking to a therapist is another way. There's way less of a chance of intentions being misconstrued. I'm in no way suggesting you can't find support, but there's healthier ways of doing that. I also meditate and belong to a meditation group... we speak to each other in generalities, but it's super helpful and peaceful.

My sufferer knows I'm here. I've made it known that I'm here for my issues with him as well as my own. He knows our issues are brought up with my therapist. He knows because we communicate first, and usually after.
He doesn't own his PTSD completely. He's in denial basically. He knows he has it, but still can't sit with it. He's still trying to find other reasons that he's the way he is... hopefully reasons that aren't as hard to accept or "fix".
He's got a rude awakening coming up once it becomes real to him.

A lot of us sufferers go through this, including me. We don't always like the light shone. But just be careful how you do that. In my guided meditation group one simple thing were reminded of is to ask ourselves before we speak about another, “Do I speak at the right time, or not? Do I speak of facts, or not? Do I speak gently or harshly? Do I speak profitable words or not? Do I speak with a kindly heart, or inwardly malicious?”.

I'm definitely guilty of not always following this, but I'm practicing. I still get angry, but really anger is a way of releasing fear and hurt. I'm trying to find better ways of doing that.

I, too, have mixed emotions on having my S/O be on here. There are some things I've posted at a time I was angry. Sometimes I don't even like readying those harsh words. But they were real for me at the time, and I Can't Take them back. I would hate for him to see my confusion in black and white, because even though I've conveyed these things to him, they seem worse somehow.

But here, people do understand there written during times of frustration. I would say most things are taken with a grain of salt. Hopefully they would understand that.

Ultimately what I'm trying to say is, this is not the same as telling "real" people. People that know him.

 

[LB226]

I think being on an anonymous site is quite different than talking to friends without him knowing. Ta...

Nae Nae75,
Let me just start of by saying I feel no judgment from you in regard to my situation and breakup. However, I feel like I have to defend my actions in reaching out to my friend about my ex.
Let me give you a bit more context of my situation...
Only once did my ex (marine combat vet) mention PTSD, early in the relationship. I am a doctor, however, my specialty is in nervous system health. I'm not a mental health provider. I've never had a patient come to me for PTSD symptoms. I was completely naive to what PTSD was. I wrongly assumed that my ex was "handling" PTSD because he told me he was seeing a therapist 2x a month. He had started therapy about 6 months before we began dating. I believe there was failure on both our ends. In hindsight, I feel my ex should have given me much more information of how PTSD affected him. He gave me literally nothing. Since I assumed he was working on his issues, I did no research, nor asked him to give me a "play by play" of how PTSD presented in his daily life.
Fast forward a few months....
I began to see the "flare ups"..yet had no idea this was PTSD. The dark moods, the isolation, his tone of voice, blank empty stare, profanities, and him feeling a need to blame me and character bash me. I began to feel I couldn't make him happy. He would be irritated by things I did...and things I didn't do. I couldn't win!! I began to feel like I was living in the twilight zone. He began having these flare ups frequently, with some lasting over a week. I began to walk on egg shells. It was at this time I began to feel afraid of him. I was afraid to anger him and I became very careful of my words around him.
One week before he found the text I had sent my friend, he told me he felt I wasn't emotionally invested in him. He felt like I was distant. That's when I revealed to him that his actions and moods scared me and that when his moods were bad, I would pull inward and guard myself. He was shocked to hear me say I was fearful of him. He asked me how I could be in a relationship with him if I were scared.... I answered with "I'm not sure."
It was a stressful conversation for both of us. He was in a mild flare up at this time. The conversation ended with no solution or plan.
A few days later...for the first time, I googled "PTSD." I was floored at what i found!! I felt a deep sense of dread now getting my first understanding of PTSD, but also a glimmer of hope because if you know the core issue (the doctor in me) ...there is hopefully a solution (or management) to improve symptoms.
It was two days later with a little sense of hope, I reached out to my friend via text. He was the first and only person I had reached out to because I've known him half my life. He's a friend, confidant, and also a colleague.
So here's my question....
As a supporter who is just discovering the depth of this monster (ptsd)...who should I have reached out to? I'm sure you're saying out loud...."your boyfriend." And this would make sense, but not in the light of PTSD. Remember, a week earlier I told him I was scared of him. He knew of my fear.
I feel like almost anybody in my situation would have reached out to close friend or family member for support. Yet because of that decision, I was crucified by my ex. He asked me (more like screamed in my face) why I couldn't confide in him first...and again I responded
with "I was scared of you." He then called me a f*cking coward and that he was too old to be with a f*cking coward. I was being completely transparent and vulnerable and he called me a coward. It was knife in my heart.
Nae Nae, I don't feel any judgement from your response, but please understand, I feel like I was in a lose, lose situation. I know that if my ex were in a healthy state of mind, we would have had SAFE, open dialog. Although, my ex felt betrayed (I get it), I also felt betrayed by him for expecting me to know and understand his trauma with ZERO explanation.
Other supporters may find themselves in similar situations, because if the sufferer isn't managing the PTSD, it leaves the supporter at a loss.
I'm sorry this was so lengthy, but I felt compelled to share this.
Thank you for listening. Have a wonderful Sunday.