Childhood Does childhood abuse inhibit sexual attraction?

[lostnconfused]

To explain my background, I grew up in a dysfunctional household where I was physically (hit, whipped on my buttocks) and emotionally abused throughout my childhood. In fifth grade, while learning about sex ed, I felt repulsed at the idea of sex. In middle school and high school, I occasionally developed a few infatuations or mental crushes, but felt my crushes were silly and pointless (because my classmates and I were inexperienced and not mature enough to have romantic relationships), so I never dated (others didn't ask or show interest in dating me) or liked the idea of having sex.

When I heard about asexuality, after I graduated high school, it felt like it fit me. However, I can't help but wonder whether being abused as a child might've caused me to not develop sexual attractions to others at all, or whether I'm sexually a late-bloomer because I haven't tried enough to get to know another person romantically, in order to develop sexual attraction towards them. (I do have trust issues, and, as a child, thought that romantic relationships would be pointless to have, due to experiencing abuse and seeing my parents, and other family members, have dysfunctional relationships, with lots of arguing and some physical fist fights.)

I live, and have usually lived, in lower-income areas, where students and adults weren't/aren't as educated or interested in intellectual pursuits, so that's another reason why dating others never appealed to me; I grew up being hurt by uneducated adults who weren't emotionally mature, so I'm wary of being surrounded by others in that type of environment, fearing that they, too, might also be abusers, due to being uneducated. Most people my age don't live here; they move to larger, more expensive cities, for better jobs. So, I'm one of the few single adults who's surrounded by middle-aged couples with children. Plus, I thought I'm too damaged for any nice, normal person to want to be in a relationship with me.

I'm confused as to how sexual attraction is supposed to work, because I've been hearing that, "While men get easily aroused by looking at women, women don't develop sexual attraction towards others as quickly or as easily as men do, so it takes a while for them to feel sexually attracted to them."

I'm unsure whether this is true or not because I don't feel I've ever experienced sexual attraction for anyone, so I'd appreciate hearing from others. I don't know whether I'm asexual or just a sexually deficient heterosexual who hasn't experienced their sexuality, yet; I don't know how sexual attraction is supposed to feel or when I'm supposed to feel it. I've thought I'd perhaps like to try sex, once, just to see whether I really might like it, but in not in a relationship and haven't ever been in one. Others my age are married and have children, and I can't help but feel sexually deficient, compared to them, like I'm not "normal."

Basically, what I meant was, I don't know whether being whipped in that part of my body as a child, before puberty, might've caused my sexuality to change as a result or not.

 

[lostnconfused]

I've already heard from other asexuals in other forums, who were physically, emotionally, and or sexually abused. Other asexuals who were or weren't abused growing up just reply that it doesn't matter whether the person's abuse was the reason or cause of their asexuality, but for me, personally, I haven't been able to fully, completely accept this, because my mind still constantly wonders whether if I'd not been abused, whether I might've turned out to have sexual attraction to others.

So, since I've heard that some here grew up abused as children still ended up experiencing sexual attraction to others, I thought that perhaps, hearing their experiences of when and how they knew they still had a functional sexuality or sexual attraction might help me settle this debate in my mind (of whether I'm not experiencing sexual attraction to anyone right now, and haven't, because I've always grown up and been surrounded by lower class people that I'm not sexually attracted to (i.e. whether a lack of sexual attraction has to do with being surrounded by safe people, in the right environment.)

When some asexuals around my age told their doctors/therapists/nurses that they were virgins, some laughed and replied, "Developmentally, at your age, you would've/should've had sex/ experienced sexual attraction by now." So, I'm confused as to whether others who grew up abused, knew that they still experience(d) sexual attraction because they became aroused to anyone, whether random strangers they saw in the street, or whether their sexual attraction was only aroused once they met a nice person (who wanted a relationship with them.)

Even if you don't know anything about asexuality, that's fine. But I'm still curious to hear from other women here who've experienced sexual attraction, even though they grew up abused. I feel it might help me fully accept that I'm asexual, because it's a little frustrating to constantly, mentally beat myself up and wonder, "Will/would I only experience sexual attraction, if I came across the "right" person?," and never feel at peace with myself because I can't help but wonder whether I'm incomplete or permanently damaged.

 

[Scarlet13]

Hi, I think physical/emotional abuse can cause sexual attraction issues.
I think being whipped on buttocks can be a form of sexual and physical abuse.
I think seeing your parents fight and abuse in the context of intimacy can mess you up.
I know it has for me.
I do not want to be close to any one. I am not in touch easily with my sexual nature. I also was molested, though.
I do know that my attachment issues, largely from emotional abuse, can impact my sexuality. I am married, but struggle to have a sex life for many reasons.

 

[EveHarrington]

Hi,

I am not asexual. I am a CSA survivor. I can say, without a doubt, that childhood abuse can indeed cause issues with sexuality and sexual attraction.

I think it's horrible for those in the medical profession to have said such things regarding what people "should" feel by a certain age in regards to sexuality. Huh? Well yes, if I wasn't abused I would have had consensual sex at a much younger age and wouldn't have carried my v-card for so long. Thank you, society, for making me feel like a freak!

What strikes me about what you've said is that it seems like you don't really get close to anyone. The truth is that the best relationships oftentimes grow out of strong friendships. Are you making close, intimate friendships? I think that sexual attraction is heightened when we first love a person for who they are on the inside-----as the physical/sexual attraction just grows from there.

 

[Sideways]

To me, it would kind of be strange to think that childhood trauma didn’t impact our sexuality. If effects everything else, including the way we relate to people, the way we experience and regulate our emotions, and on and on...

But there are 2 things that you might also consider...

First, even without your childhood trauma, you may have been asexual anyway. There’s no way to know what your sexuality or sexual drive would have been like without your trauma, you know?

Second, I don’t think sexual drive is a fixed thing. I went through years of being hyper sexual, followed by years of not being aroused by anyone ever. I’m now trying out a relationship. My sexuality has grown and developed and changed and will probably continue to do so for some years to come. So the fact that you aren’t sexually inclined now? Doesn’t mean that’s how it will always be.

 

[lostnconfused]

Thanks, everyone, for your replies.

First, Eve, about not really making friends: I've always been an introvert, labeled shy. I had more friends while I was in school, than I do, now. But even then, I still didn't grow to be sexually attracted to them; I had a few crushes, yes, but didn't feel anything, sexually, (which is normal for heteroromantic asexuals.) My family also moved a lot, so, the few friendships I did have, didn't last long; I wasn't able to develop long relationships with friends, and sometimes, it was very difficult, or took a while, for other students at my new schools to want to be my friend (because they usually weren't interested in trying to talk to new kids they didn't know, and preferred talking to their old friends who they'd been friends with and had gone to school with since elementary school.)

And, due to the ongoing abuse, I also felt ashamed and anxious around everyone, different, as I knew that most kids and adults didn't grow up abused. I felt like I couldn't or wouldn't fit in with having deep relationships with anyone; I didn't want to tell anyone. But when I finally did try telling other adults, whose job it was to know about these things, they weren't interested. So, that really shook and upset me, and convinced me that I couldn't tell anyone because they wouldn't care or would think of me as damaged. So, I also struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts during high school and as an adult, feeling as though my whole life was worthless and wouldn't/couldn't amount to anything because of growing up abused (and others didn't, who'd have more successful careers.)

I've tried being friendly towards other adults, but, due to being young and a transplant, they didn't like me talking to them. There seems to be unspoken, southern, cultural ways of doing things and being social that no one here has told me about. I've gotten the feeling they only prefer making new friends through church (which I don't attend), those who are politically the same as them, and prefer only being friends with those of their race. Others who are transplants and who have moved here have said, online, that they, too, have had the same problem with making friends here because people here seem to be closed off to new transplants, or only want to be focused on taking care of their families, rather than making new friends. Over the years, some locals would write in newspaper opinion article that they dislike northerners and that they should go back to where they came from. The other barrier is, everyone thought, and still thinks, I look like a teen, so they've thought it's weird that someone who appears to be very young is trying to talk to them.

Like I said, I live where most adults are uneducated and don't attend college. So, most of the population doesn't like LGBT+ people (whenever LGBT+ people or supporters tried to give presentations to youth about LGBT+ kids, parents complained and said that it's against their religious beliefs.) It's difficult to make friends when you know that most of the population would dislike you if they knew. An LGBT+ person I talk to online felt sorry for me, knowing where I live, and advised me to move out.

Ragdoll, about sexuality not being fixed: yes, I've read that it isn't fixed, and that's what bothers me and haunts me, constantly wondering whether a sexual attraction might show up. Because (I've never wanted to have children), I've heard that women have limited "biological clocks" when it comes to wanting children, I thought that perhaps there was a definite time frame is of when I should or could stop expecting my asexuality to possibily change into sexual feelings. Maybe 40 years of age?

 

[lostnconfused]

Oh, I forgot to clarify: I worked through my depression and suicidal thoughts, myself, so I'm much better, now, than I used to be.

 

[Sideways]

I thought that perhaps there was a definite time frame is of when I should or could stop expecting my asexuality to possibily change into sexual feelings. Maybe 40 years of age?

Honestly I don’t know. Plenty of women in their 40s and 50s seem to be sexually active and want kids these days. I don’t know your age but that’s what, still 20+ years ahead of you where your sexuality could still be fairly fluid?

One thing that strikes me from your posts is that you seem to be saying “I want this, even though I don’t actually want it...”. I can’t help wondering if maybe working on some self acceptance might help resolve some of these issues for you, rather than working towards a type of sexuality that you don’t seem to currently want?

How you are now? Being asexual? Is totally okay. I don’t think being uninterested in sex necessarily carries the type of stigma that others in the LGBTI community might experience, particularly from religious quarters. But regardless, it’s totally okay to be asexual, yeah? You aren’t deficient in some way. Sexuality is different for everyone in spite of what Hollywood would have you believe.

Another angle? It’s waaaay normal to have no sex drive with depression on board. And depression is treatable.

Give yourself time. If you end up being asexual for the rest of your life, that’s okay. It’s not something that requires “fixing”, you know?

 

[lostnconfused]

Some asexual teens and young adults have tried coming out to their religious parents, who didn't accept them because they thought it was weird or wrong for their child to not be interested in sex; some even tried pressuring them to date, get married, and have children, because they said that that's what's normal for people in their religion.

I understand what you mean, though; it's just difficult for me to fully accept myself as asexual, when I'm surrounded by so many adults with children. I can't help but feel inferior, sometimes, as though they grew up to be "normal" and have a normal sexuality, while I didn't. Adults still mistake me for a teen, just because I do things alone, without being surrounded by a spouse or children like them.

 

[Deleted member 38906]

I can relate to how you feel. I also have a history of abuse and constantly wonder whethet it impacted my sexuality. I'm 31 and a virgin. the idea of having sex with someone is too much for me. As soon as someone feels sexually attracted to me, I get overwhelmed by feelings of anxiety, fear, sadness and numbness. It could be Brad Pitt himself, doesn't matter. It feels disgusting to me and i don't understand why people do it. To me sex is equivalent to letting someone use your body for their gratification so I'm like no thanks.
I tell myself it doesn't matter, sex is over rated anyway, there's nothing wrong with not having a sexuality to make myself feel better. But then when my best friend says oh moo you gotta experience it, when you have sex with someone you love it's like your soul leaves your body and unites with his on a cloud then I'm like fml.
Sorry this isn't a hopeful reply but know that your are not alone.

 

[lostnconfused]

I can relate to how you feel. I also have a history of abuse and constantly wonder whethet it impacted my s...

Thanks for your reply, Moo. It helps to know I'm not the only virgin.