Need to learn to be angry??

[One step at a time]

Mostly just a "yeah, me too" story:
- I insisted for ages that I didn't get angry, ever. Frustrated or resentful or annoyed, sure, but angry? Nope.
- T asked me to define what anger was, precisely, and I hemmed and I hawed and I finally said that when my dad was angry, it involved "wanting someone to suffer for a perceived wrong." And she said, "no, that's cruelty."
- Eventually, I concluded that anger is the sense that something is wrong - is not right or okay. And I have that sometimes.
- And now, sometimes, I have the feeling of anger as well as the thought. On others' behalf, and (when I have a sense of being worth something) on my own behalf.
- My T says people talk about anger as a fire because, like fire, anger can be used to protect (and warm and feed) a person, or to destroy.

 

[Freida]

T asked me to define what anger was, precisely, and I hemmed and I hawed and I finally said that when my dad was angry, it involved "wanting someone to suffer for a perceived wrong." And she said, "no, that's cruelty."
- Eventually, I concluded that anger is the sense that something is wrong - is not right or okay. And I have that sometimes.

That makes so much sense!

My T says people talk about anger as a fire because, like fire, anger can be used to protect (and warm and feed) a person,

hmmmm....interesting......

 

[Sideways]

Oh boy, this is me!!! Anger was a completely foreign concept for me for ages. Didn’t get angry. Period. Could muster up a bit of moral disgust at the way humans treat each other occasionally (and the way we treat animals - that’s always been an easy one).

But the important one? Getting angry on my own behalf?? The first time I achieved this, it lasted a whole few seconds. But it was exciting for me. It really was. I remember quite literally stepping back and saying “Ooh, I just got angry!!” and had a little celebration. I journaled about it and may have even done a thread here in the Achievements section now I think about it! It was a huge breakthrough!

First thing was to explore different ways of feeling angry. Most people associate anger with aggression, but that’s not always the way it plays out.

For me, my anger seems to mostly feel like irritation. So when I notice myself getting irritated easily? Now I know - I’m angry. Usually not at whatever it is that’s irritating me. I usually find something completely unrelated to be irritated about (that’s safer). And sometimes my irritation is just because I’m tired. But sometimes? I’m angry. Doesn’t look like your typical angry person, but that’s how I feel my anger most of the time.

I’m not an aggressive person. When people get aggressive up in my face I typically find it fascinating. Last woman who tried to go fisty cuffs with me I literally burst out laughing, because the concept of getting aggressive with someone? Doesn’t compute.

The second step to getting angry on my own behalf? Wasn’t anything to do with my emotions. It was more about self acceptance- accepting that I have value as a human. I read once that being angry? means I’m worth getting angry for. And that was the issue for me.

Definitely a big part of my trauma was I plain old wasn’t allowed to be angry. It wasn’t just unsafe to be angry, I got programmed to turn anger into self-punishment. But learning to get angry didn’t seem to require much reprogramming, probably because anger is such an innate emotion (like happiness and grief), I really just had to get to a point where I believed that I was worth being angry for.

 

[Freida]

For me, my anger seems to mostly feel like irritation. So when I notice myself getting irritated easily? Now I know - I’m angry. Usually not at whatever it is that’s irritating me. I usually find something completely unrelated to be irritated about (that’s safer).

Ok - I can work with that!! LOL I do get irritated. Next time I'll take a closer look at what I'm feeling and see if maybe it's more.

The second step to getting angry on my own behalf? Wasn’t anything to do with my emotions. It was more about self acceptance- accepting that I have value as a human. I read once that being angry? means I’m worth getting angry for. And that was the issue for me.

Its funny - I'm super self confident. Put me anywhere, I can adapt and thrive. But I never really think about how I feel about me. Am I self confident about what I can do, or who I am? Hmmmm..There's an interesting question I've never thought to ask

 

[BoN-bOn]

Anger scares me. I know I am carrying plenty of it deep down, but I avoid it at all costs. I’m very non-confrontational & always the peace keeper. I don’t even like to see other people get angry, even if it has nothing to do with me! Growing up I was certainly not allowed to express anger & the only anger I’ve ever known is when someone gets hurt...physically or emotionally. I don’t want to become someone who hurts people, so I stuff anything that resembles anger far far away. At times when I have felt angry in the past, I usually just cry. In the last year or so I’ve had a few drunken angry outbursts of rage & I don’t know where it’s coming from but I’m afraid of it. Terrified.

 

[Freida]

I know I am carrying plenty of it deep down, but I avoid it at all costs.

this is the part that is unnerving. If my Ts are to be believed I have a ton of it I don't even know I have

 

[Friday]

For example, we are working on one particular incident from my military days. I was in a situation where I ended up in a fight with a terrorist. As in physically fighting for my life. They think I should be angry about that. My reply is why? I lived. He didn't. Nuff said. They want me to see the chain of events that led to the situation, how I ended up being on my own in the first place, that I didn't get any medical attention for a sprained wrist and broken foot, that no one really thought it was a big deal, blah blah. My response is ...I was in the military. That is just how it goes. Suck it up Cupcake and move on. I honestly don't understand what they mean when they say that I need to allow myself to feel angry. Why??

LMFAO :roflmao: :hilarious:

Okay... So take this with a whole damn margaritas worth of salt :

There are things worth being angry about. And if anything is something you would raise hell over for someone else? Like ripping new assholes, having come to Jesus meetings, dragged to the carpet, or going blouses off for? It's probably a thing worth being angry over. Even if the end result is eyes forward and yessir & drop it, and go blow off a f*ckload of steam elsewhere (ie venting some pent up rage before it can burn you)...

Here comes the salt

...there's also things that are just the f*ckin military. There have been a grand total of TWO therapists I've actually been able to seriously break shit down with... Because A) they could laugh with me over the f*cked up bullshit that just is what it is, & B) the things that were reeeeeeally hard? They got. No explanations necessary for either. They knew when I looked completely calm that something was seriously wrong (who's gonna die?), and when I storming up and down waving my arms in the air, or 12 kinds of f*cked up, that I was basically fine and would just sit back, kinda smile, and wait for me to blow myself out (when others would be trying to calm me down or dialing 911). And when the reverse was true. They knew that the reason I didn't go to the command master guns with ProblemX was because that man? Was basically GOD. They knew that antibiotics, duct tape, and vodka was a kindness (rape solutions 101) not a way I was "let down" and should be upset over. They understood what was important to me, then, & now. And they didn't try to attach feelings that weren't there. Some things? Were worth being angry over. Some weren't.

Sometimes not recovering medical care was a complete f*ck up, other times, it was almost pure kindness merged with some serious respect. Something to be proud over, not angry over. Very much depended on the situation at hand and people involved. Was it a betrayal? Not giving a f*ck over those they were honor bound to protect? Or was it being respected enough to know I could handle my shit, and needed / wanted enough to be kept in play, despite the personal cost? Totally depended on the situation. And it didn't end there. Things to be proud of in the field? Often rate being pissed as hell once you're back in the world, and not given proper care. You rated it 3mo /6mo / 9mo ago. You have time to sort it now and they wanna make shit hard? I don't f*cking think so. But That BS happens all the time. As do a lot of other complicated situations. The actually "thing" that people are all horrified over is just another Tuesday, but brick-wall-bang-head piece that you're really f*cked up over? Ain't that. It's a piece far distant, only barely related to the "sexy" thing people think you should be f*cked up over. Can make the whole "feelings" thing a lot harder to sort when shit gets complicated.

Recognizing anger? Is important. But attaching it to the right thing? Even more important IMO. That? Worth being angry over. THAT? f*cking. Hilarious THAT? Something I feel deep pride over. THAT? Snort. That's just bullshit, and ain't worth sweating. >>> Regardless of what anyone else thinks I "should" feel... Knowing what I DO feel? Is the important bit.

Shrudder. Feeeeeeeeelings. :wtf:

But, for true, keeps shit from coming out sideways.

 

[Freida]

@Friday =-- gotta say I love you!!!!!

OH! and I got angry today at the stupid voice prompt thing you have to go thru to get a human! yea me! :p

 

[deeplyloved]

This is challenging. It was never safe for me to get angry. I do get irritable and short...and then I try to put myself in a timeout until I can figure out what to do next. I’ve been indignant...but I don’t know if I’ve ever actually been angry at an appropriate time.

 

[The Albatross]

A lot of my repressed anger (yeah I had it at one time...) began leaking out in other ways at other people and became problematic. So I did an independent/self study on anger (and rage) and now anchor myself in the better/more generally beneficial belief that the feelings and shots of adrenaline are there for me to decide whether or not to initiate change. Plain and simple. I try to boil "feelings" down to the base reason for why I'm having them rather than carry on with them.

A recent author I'd read says "feelings are indicators, not dictators."

 

[Freida]

y to boil "feelings" down to the base reason for why I'm having them rather than carry on with them.

That is brilliant. Kind of like tracking a trigger? More attention to what is causing the trigger instead of focusing on how it feels?

 

[EveHarrington]

Maybe anger is a core feeling.....and something else is protecting you from feeling anger.

Fear and anger are my "protector" feelings that prevent me from feeling hurt (core feeling). Fear and anger were gone last night......gone, gone, gone.....and I couldn't stop crying. I can't remember the last time I felt like that, cried like that. Years, maybe? I hated feeling that way. Well, still feel that way as I had another crying spell this morning that lasted awhile. I'm sure I'm up for a few more today.

Fear and anger, where are you? I need you back.