General Lack of empathy

[Sighs]

I'm physically not very well at the moment. My vet has absolutely zero empathy for me. He expects me to simply carry on as if nothing is the matter. If I do try to "push through" my physical symptoms, I get zero acknowledgement of that - in fact, he says I can't be that sick if I can do xyz. If, however, I refuse to do certain things and insist that I need to rest and try to explain my symptoms, he tells me I am whinging and that I am not that sick, just lazy and selfish.

He expects me to continue to fetch and carry and generally wait on him hand and foot regardless. (And of course I am still working full time.)

I am booked to have surgery in mid January. This is not "all in my head". I can't help feeling unloved and taken for granted. I am arranging for my mum to look after me post surgery because I know I cannot rely on my vet.

Is this a man thing? A military thing? A PTSD thing? A "just being a selfish jerk" thing? Any ideas on how to make him understand? Or do I just not bother.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Could it be a reaction to him worrying about you? Like being a dick to keep the anxiety at bay?

I don't know @Sighs. Part of me says dickishness, part of me says bad coping. Sometimes it seems like gruff snarley asshole is the automatic reaction to most high emotions for my vet. I have no idea if it's a man, military, "him", or PTSD thing either.

 

[Snowflakes]

@Sighs I don’t know either. We really don’t know what goes on in their head at any given instant. My sufferer has mentioned to me that her therapist says she is selfish. I do frequently feel that I’m really on my own. I guess I’ve just gotten used to it.

Heck, I don’t know what to say @Sighs ..... I guess I just have come to a place where I believe her illness doesn’t allow her the capacity to take care of me.

I’m sorry you’re not well. Take care :hug:

 

[StarChild]

Dear @Sighs, I'm really sorry that you're not well, and that not only your health is letting you down, but, if I may say so, your partner as well.

and insist that I need to rest and try to explain my symptoms

Sometimes one just needs every bit of strength and positivity for ones own self. So I'm just going to offer some thoughts / suggestions, that came to mind, while I read your post; Please just dismiss, what's not helpful, okay?
- What if you'd stop trying to explain your symptoms / your health condition? Maybe just say "No, I can't do this, as I already told you before." or something like that, and then walk away.
- No matter what he'll say, ignore his remarks and practice self-care (No further explanations, no trying to make him understand).
- If he's trying again to have a go at you, take an inner step back and keep aloof of this unhealthy cycle.
- Just freeze him off and/or be indifferent, when he verbally attacks you. Real indifference can sometimes work wonder. And I don't mean you to use it as a punishment. It's meant more like an attitude or mind-set.
- Answer only in mono-syllables. (Friendly, but short and firm). No means no.

Sighs, you truly have every right to make your health, your needs, your very self number one, don't you? Is there a possibility, to stay at an understanding friend's or relatives home, for the time being up to your surgery? I hope, my suggestions didn't upset you, as I so wish for you that you'll find a place, where you can rest, heal and experience true appreciation and care.

 

[Friday]

Don't forget denial! (Dammit. You're fine. Because I need you to be. Act like it.)

<cough>

Apart from that, I'd say some from columns A-D

Spoiler: Friday mouthing off

Although, just for fun, let's blame men for a moment. WTF is up with the species either treating you like you're not long for this world or superwoman? There IS motherf*cking middle ground :banghead: No the pillow is not too heavy. No. That doesn't mean I'm going to schlep in your 25kilo boxes from one part of the project you've decided MUST be done now -or the world will end- just because I do not need your help with the damn pillow. Don't need the pillow at all. f*ck off with the damn pillow already, would you? Oh, make you dinner? :banghead: silly me. You know what weighs more than a pillow? This here frying pan. Which I am considering using as a weapon. Order a pizza, I'm going to bed. Yes. Clearly I'm just malingering. Milking you for all your dialing finger's capabilities. Go ahead. Don't dial the pizza place. That'll teach me to go and get sick. Wait for it, a totally fake cough coming. :rolleyes: I have to rest up to flirt with cute surgeons tomorrow. I bet THEY know how to dial for a pizza. The hell. WE get sick injured & THEY want their mommy. <goes off grumbling about the Y chromosome and the clearly vacant spot full of vital information just MISSING.> Just because we don't curl up with a bottle of bourbon & the clicker for the duration*, doesn't mean we're not sick or hurting. Men! >.<

* Full disclosure, I've started to, and have decided it's actually kind of brilliant.

 

[Buttercup]

@TreeHugger I wish I could heart eyes emoji right now. So eloquent and exactly what I would say to sighs if I could muster all that up.

Take care of you @Sighs and be damned what he says.

 

[Never_falter2]

Totally agree with what @TreeHugger just said.

 

[Supervixn]

I'm thinking its a combo of PTSD and being a vet. I'm not a vet but I have a high personal tolerance for pain and physical discomfort which i think is due to past trauma. I get really annoyed when people complain about being sick. Idk. When I'm sick or physically injured I don't really pay it any attention which is the dissociative aspect of PTSD. Physical pain means less to me than emotional pain. Physical pains heal (generally), while our emotional pains with PTSD is a constant practice in tending to "open wounds", so to speak. We hurt emotionally most of the time. Physical pain might be viewed differently for him.... not to excuse it, just a possible explanation for how he is reacting.

Though your illness is serious enough to require surgery... he needs to understand your point of view.

I think the military mindset may be kicking in for him... " just PUSH through it" thing. He may just not understand which looks a lot like a lack of empathy

 

[Deleted member 44579]

Hi @Sighs.... Honestly what do you think he is doing?..... You know him better than all of us..... But he is taking you for granted.... You work full time and have to do everything once home... Does that seem fair.... Hell no..

I understand you want to take care of him but he needs to understand you need to be taken care of to.

I think we all take are health for granted. But constantly being in pain.. Is horrible.... Tell him to get off his ass and help you.... If you can... But the fact you're having to get ur mum in to help you after surgery speaks volumes.... I'm sorry to say......

You deserve the best.... I hope you will feel better soon... Take care of you now....

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I liked what @Friday said. I also like what @TreeHugger said too. I am so sorry that you are so ill right now and I hope that you can go stay at your moms house if your vet gets too obnoxious. He may just be worrying about you but he does seem low on the empathy gene especially right now when you are so in need of care. I hope that you can allow your mom to take care of you before your surgery and I will be praying for you too.:hug::hug::hug:

 

[grimalkin]

I don't know @Sighs. Part of me says dickishness, part of me says bad coping. Sometimes it seems like gruff snarley asshole is the automatic reaction to most high emotions for my vet. I have no idea if it's a man, military, "him", or PTSD thing either.

I often wondered the same thing. Way back when, before I knew what PTSD meant, my sufferer actually refused to drive me to the doctor when I was sick - I was running a fever and thought I had influenza, and I had NO energy to drive myself. It was his day off, he was feeling ok, but he was having none of it. "You are an adult, you're capable of driving yourself to the doctor. If you're too sick to drive, then I should call an ambulance." Uh...no? There's a whole world between not feeling well enough to drive and needing an ambulance, even if you can only think in black or white.

This from the guy who later all but demanded I drive him to his routine doctor appointments. :rolleyes:

I'm sometimes kind of glad he dumped me during an emotional crisis, and not a physical one for me. I would NOT be able to rely on him if I had anything physically wrong or needed surgery or something.

 

[Sweetpea76]

PTSD is a selfish motherf*cker.

I had a cancer scare a few years ago, and ended up having a series of biopsies, then surgery. My vet swung between asshole (much like @Sighs man is doing), and melting down into suicidal ranting, saying I got cancer because he was a killer and that's what he deserves, and he destroys good things.

I know he was reacting to stress... but dude, not now. Not when I'm flat on my back waiting on biopsy results.