Going no contact with a family member that is a narcissist

[Deleted member 12723]

You did good, I wanted to say the same thing, but not in the mood today. Not my best self today at all.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Well today is my grandsons eighteenth birthday and a tiny part of me had false hopes that he would get brave and try to reach out to me and I know that I should have not done that. I am a little disappointed right now, but understand that whatever his mom has done has scared him into receiving texts and not responding. I text him to reach out to him and surprisingly he has not blocked my phone yet.

I am hoping that he is having a very good birthday today. He is young still and quite dependent on his mom and loves his mom very much. I know that my daughter has painted me as the devil and although I do not know what boundary she has set to tell the kids to stay away from me, he has still not blocked his phone. I hang onto that tiny scrap. Because sometimes I fear that he hates me. If he hated me he would just block my phone and not receive any of my attempts to reach out to him.

I am doing so much better lately. I would never want to go through this again in my life, because it would break me so I am glad that I am now where I am. This is a far better place to be for me in every possible way.

I looked at a picture of my daughter today and saw the spite forming in her face a few years before she cut me off.

I have pretty much given up on her. I feel nothing when I think of her now. The little one is a tough call. I did send the kids birthday cards in the mail and hope that they got them. I was able to slip a small letter to each of them in their cards.

But the oldest one is a tough call too. He is completely dependent on his mom and must be very afraid to reach back to me. Who knows what she threatened him with.

Okay I got that out. Feeling better for dumping it here.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Rain It will get better, but it will take a long time and many ups and downs before you get there. Holidays and birthdays will be the worst. In Jan my daughter and 1 grandson will have birthdays. Every year, “when” my daughter and I were talking, I would call her EXACTLY the moment she was born. 6:34 pm on her birthday to wish her Happy Birthday, even if I had spent time with her that day and celebrated with her. The last 2 Years, I’ve even forgotten her birthday till I actually looked at the date. Sad, but true. Before that, her birthday would cause so much hurt and depression that it was almost unbearable.

Indifference is so helpful when it comes to relationships that have turned sour........

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Indifference is so helpful when it comes to relationships that have turned sour........

The fifty million dollar question.....how do you cultivate this indifference? I guess all journeys begin with the first step and by asking the question itself, I may find the answer. I will be thinking about you, next month, @She Cat. :hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Today I found my newfound fighting back spirit and am fighting back with real love is more powerful than any lie or hatred raised up against me! I am again writing carefully written letters to my grandson now legally an adult who does not have his piece of shit mother as his legal guardian!

I write two letters now...one that is full of poison and throw that one away, and another one full of encouragement and real love that endures that over powers all bad and reseals the bond I have.

I am not going to take this one lying down anymore. My sorry excuse of a daughter now has to face my love of a lifetime of my grandson who has not yet blocked my phone. I was writing the kids a letter a week to be sending to them. Now I am doing it again with my grandson who is of legal age and until his mom cancels his mail he will be getting my letters to remind him of what a good person he is.

In spite of the major success of her lies, they no longer have any power over me until she commits the next bad lying trick.

I want nothing more to do with her. I am very angry and in touch with my rightous anger finally at long last. I have a plan and a purpose. It no longer matters to me what she says or does. For some unknown reason, my grandson has not blocked my phone so I text him regularly. It does not matter that he does not responds I am appealing to his better nature and it is allowed a weakness of hers perhaps. Or is it that her false arrogant pride has so blinded her that she has been slipping and losing her control? Whatever it is I feel so good today and am in the process of vindicating myself with my grandson.

I am not bound by her laws with him anymore. I found this within myself today and am fighting back with everything I have inside of me. It feels good and the right thing to do and the timing is just right.

Until she finds a way to stop me, I will continue to fight back. Oh no I am not mentioning her at all in the letters but I have been able to pick up where I had left off because he is a legal adult and have told him so. He does not know what I am doing,and she does not know what I am doing either this time. I do not believe in giving ammo to the enemy.

May she rot in hell for what she has done.:mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad:

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Rain Be very careful what you do in a state of rage. You are acting on emotions right now and not thinking logically of the ramifications of what your actions will do or have.........

 

[Deleted member 12723]

@She Cat I am not feeling any rage. I am going to be fighting back by writing my grandson nice and good letters expressing the love I have for him. I am being very mindful of the boundaries and limitations set up by my daughter. But seeing as she is no longer the legal guardian for my grandson, I am simply not going to shrink silently into the shadows for her anymore.

I imaging that the police gave my daughter some kind of warning about sending me the seven videos of her cutting. She has entirely backed off and left me alone in peace since that time.

She may get stirred up again, but I am now fully awake and have her phone blocked from contacting me. I am simply appealing to my grandson with letters of encouragement and praise and love for him. I am probably coming off a little strong yesterday and should probably clarified that point.

I am fighting back with the power of love and acceptance. As much as my daughter has hated me she cannot destroy love for the kids. I realized that she has all of the power and control over the two kids but that is not going to outlast time. I am keeping the tone of the letters calm and supportive and yes I am beginning to fight back with everything inside of me.

I know that you have withstood the test of time, and I do value your wisdom from many accumulated experiences with your family and agree that rage is not wise. But I think for now, there is not much my daughter can do about it until she comes up with an another idea to get me. I realize that I am taking a measured risk but I feel confident that I am not crossing any lines.

I know the lies that she has told the kids and I am sad about that but I am fighting back with different weapons this time.

I do not tear my daughter down in my letters and I always write one letter first where I get all of the poison out of me and then write a pretty benign letter to send. I am trying to be very careful in the words I choose to send. But it is true I am fighting back with the love I have in my heart appealing to the bonds of love I created since he was born. They have been such a big part of my life and I am not going to give up so easily anymore with my oldest grandson now that he is an adult. He is still obeying his mom and not speaking to me, I am not speaking against her in the letters and my grandson has not yet blocked my phone to not hear from me.

Believe me, I do not underestimate my daughter. But enough time has passed and it is true that my grandson is now a legal adult by the laws.

Sure my daughter can continue to lie but since people do not remember the lies she will be eventually found out as lying. Alcoholism is a deadly thing and it destroys families. My therapist wants me to tell my grandson how I feel in my letters to him.

Sorry for scaring you by coming off very strong in my post. I understand that you are for me and know things I do not. I thank you for that.:hug::hug::hug:

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Rain you didn’t scare me at all. I just want you to be mindful of your attitude when dealing with your grandson. He may be 18 and be of legal age, but just remember that as long as he lives under his mother’s roof, she has some control over him, and can threaten him with a number of things if he doesn’t “do as I say”...........

 

[Deleted member 12723]

she has some control over him, and can threaten him with a number of things if he doesn’t “do as I say”........

I am aware of this fact believe me. But I am at least going to try to throw that kid some love and affection and encouragement..:hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

just remember that as long as he lives under his mother’s roof, she has some control over him, and can threaten him with a number of things if he doesn’t “do as I say”...........

I hear and believe you, I stopped at one letter to him. So far so good. I am being left alone in peace and now only send him occasional texts. I think I understand that you are fully the voice of experience for me and I am so grateful that you help me with all of this ugliness.

I decided to maintain a low profile with my grandson. It is hard but I am trusting you and just doing it. It is so hard to let go, but I stopped writing because I still catch myself trying to talk about my version of events and have to keep throwing away letters because of this desire and need to tell my side of the truth.

I am okay for now. I am just accepting that this is the way things stand. My daughter has full control and power over the kids.

I do not want to get her all stirred up against me again. So I am trying to accept it as it is and let go of everything. It is very peaceful this way and I do remember just how low she is willing to go with me.

The not knowing if the kids are okay or not drives me nuts on rare days now. I cannot believe how I have survived each day to now.

I feel nothing on most days now. But I imagine that I will still have my bad days too. Just wanted to check in with you.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Rain Whatever you do, if you send letters/cards, never ever mention their mother in a negative manner. If you mention her at all make sure that it’s neutral. Maybe in closing.... Hope all is well with you, mom and your sister! That’s it. She is still his mother, and she still has control. Until he moves out and comes to you with his own concerns about her, you have to stay neutral...... Hard, yup!!! Difficult? Very, because you want to defend yourself, you want to explain, you want him to understand what the hell happened. It doesn’t matter really.... In the end if you end up having a relationship with him, the only thing that matters, IS the relationship you have with him. Dragging up old shit won’t matter by then. If he ever asks, you just explain that sometimes people don’t get along.

I only contacted my daughter once during all of the times she walked away or was pissed off at me. That was in 2008 when I was diagnosed with a condition where it would have been caused from a tumor in my brain. I contacted her by letter to explain and to tell her that I understood if she didn’t want to reconnect. She did, but it only lasted a couple of months, she was already into drinking and drugs by then. I didn’t know! The shit hit the fan soon after that......

I know this is hard... Just keep focused on you and being healthy....

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Until he moves out and comes to you with his own concerns about her, you have to stay neutral...... Hard, yup!!!

Thank you for stressing this point home to me. I will remember this,

In the end if you end up having a relationship with him, the only thing that matters, IS the relationship you have with him.

I will only focus on having a positive relationship with him, I so appreciate your advising me and keeping me accountable. If there is a relationship to be had in the far distant future. I have written and thrown away so many letters to him by now. I have to keep it positive for both of our sakes. Thank you so much.

I contacted her by letter to explain and to tell her that I understood if she didn’t want to reconnect. She did, but it only lasted a couple of months, she was already into drinking and drugs by then. I didn’t know! The shit hit the fan soon after that......

I think this could very well happen to me with my own daughter. For now all is well and she is finally leaving me alone and I leave her alone too. I never write to the youngest granddaughter because my daughter is her legal guardian and if she wanted to stir up things against me that would be the last straw for her.

So I am going to be writing another letter that I can send and keep on writing to be reaching out and trying to stay in touch so I can prepare to build a strong foundation for a possible future relationship with my grandson.

Today is a little hard but I am holding my own so far. I know that I will have bad days still so I try to keep things as simple as possible for me. I really do not want any more drama in my life because of the hatred my daughter has for me. It makes me really wonder if the kids are okay right now because I realize that she does not want me to know what is going on with them. I hope for them very hard that they will be okay, and other than this, I have to let go and keep it this way.:hug::hug::hug: