How close is too close

[Deleted member 44579]

Hi so I have this reaction I guess its all I can call it. You know when you are standing in a queue and there is a man behind you and he is a little bit to close... I moved sideways or anyway just so long as it puts more of a distance between me and him

Normally most men have the wisdom to say nothing but alas this world has many an asshole in it. Today a guy way to close... I did my sidestep... Well he didn't like that what's your f*cking problem bitch?... Now I have learned not to get into an argument with a man especially if he calls me a bitch... So I ignored.. All the while him slagging me off.

Luckily for me the girl behind the counter refused to serve him and the security chucked him out.. Of course I couldn't stop smiling... He didn't like that either.. The security apologised for this man's behaviour.

Do you ever get like that?.. Where your personal space is being invaded?... And how do you deal with it...?.. Do you just leave the queue?... I am very proud of myself for not shouting back at this prick.. He got lucky I'm still recovering from this awful flu...

 

[EveHarrington]

The stare of death.

LOL.

 

[Muttly]

I am really sorry that happened. I am glad that others were there and saw his behavior and the guy wasn't served. It sounds like given his state you dealt with it just fine.

have a huge problem with men standing behind me. It's a trigger. I do the side step or sometimes turn sideways. When I'm very bad I've left the queue. Over all, in the past year, I've been getting better with this and can often just stand in line and be ok or, if there is discomfort, I can ride it out without needing to move. Just lately it's been bad enough that dealing with stores and such has been very hard.

 

[nowthisisme]

Good for you for controlling yourself. I would have probably just walked away.

I cant be close to anyone, men or women, I have to step away. I avoid lines as much as i can. If I'm grocery shopping i put the cart behind me and keep a good distance between me and the person in front of me. I guess i have always been that way but never realized it.

 

[Freida]

It isnt as much of a problem since I got my service dog because I can use him as a barrier to get people to back up. If that doesn't work I've got the stare of death like @EveHarrington and years of sarcasm from emergency services that I'm not afraid to use!

I'm really proud of you for keeping your composure -- I haven't quite learned that yet

 

[Deleted member 40995]

Hi so I have this reaction I guess its all I can call it. You know when you are standing in a queue and th...

So awesome you stood your ground, good for you!! I hate it when guys act like that I also have problems with them being that close, I have gotten so nervous I’ve left before. The worst is when a stranger (especially a guy) casually puts a hand on your arm or shoulder or worse yet your waist and keeps on talking, Ive panicked and smacked them before for that :/

 

[Freida]

The worst is when a stranger (especially a guy) casually puts a hand on your arm or shoulder or worse yet your waist and keeps on talking, Ive panicked and smacked them before for that :/

Wow -- they are lucky they got you! My philosophy -- touch me at your peril. If I'm ok with it great. If I'm not --- EVERYONE in a 4 block area will know it! yep - kind of embarrassing but hey - it makes them think twice about ever touching a stranger

 

[Deleted member 40995]

Wow -- they are lucky they got you! My philosophy -- touch me at your peril. If I'm ok with it great...

Ha, I love that! Yup, touching someone like that, especially a stranger just not ok I don’t know why they think it’s ok to do. I smacked a guy with a stack of books I was carrying one day when he tried that :whistling: I really hate it when a stranger guy touches me

 

[ms spock]

Space invasion can also be a pre rape behaviour, if you don't react, they then can follow you, and plan their attack.

But as we all know rape mostly comes from people that we know, (family, friends, your Father, your priest, your uncle, you big brother, your inlaws, or your Mother in some cases) which means when some man that you know is invading your personal space IT IS REALLY IMPORTANT TO CAUSE A STINK. No matter what anyone says to you or tries to reinforce the victim grooming that a man that you know is doing that to you, stand your ground.

If you put up with space invasion, it emboldens the rapist to have a go at you.

So it is important to be aware that space invasion, inappropriate jokes, sexual harassment and a wide range of other behaviours are part of softening you up, grooming you for rape, and it is a very clever form of gaslighting. Because as this person is close to you you doubt yourself, that the man has nefarious intentions. You think this is my family member, friend, work colleague, member of my church, member of the charity group I volunteer for, someone the family has known for 30 years.

When someone says it is a joke. Go "Oh gosh that is such a relief! I am now willing to accept your apology, because if it is "just a joke" you will not want to offend me, and you will make amends to me immediately. If you have another sexist agenda, a sexual harrassing agenda, or pre rape softening me up for an attempted rape then, then you will spend the rest of the day, week, month, and/or years saying I am not a good sport or can't take a joke.


There are many pre rape behaviours - but this one is a biggie, women who don't react are really at a disadvantage. You were most fortunate that you kept your cool, and he had consequences for his behaviours. His abuse of your demonstrates a sense of entitlement over women.

The majority of mass shooters in America began their lives as domestically violent towards their female partners. So that is something to note.

I would suggest that if you ever did lose your cool, as long as you don't engage in physical violence, that it is not such a big deal. You are letting that man know that you are not an easy target.

Child rapists check out the connectedness between parents, the children's communities, schools, etc. It is very important to be aware of space invasion - it is a red flag in a lot of cases.

 

[Friday]

I'm in the pick a fight mood where I tend to enjoy it. People being too close to me puts them at a major disadvantage, and it relaxes me when I'm like this to run scenarios in my mind.

Most of the time, though, I simply stand sideways, as I don't like people in my blind spot (it kicks off those scenarios for one thing, and I have to be in a particular mood to enjoy that), and play cheerful suburban soccermom. If I'm edgy, and want to clear a space, I can step into on-duty stance, which clears at least a foot to a meter of space around me in all directions. But I really don't like doing that, because if I DO need to react quickly people are too far away. It's the lesser of two evils, though, than direct challenging someone. Shrug. Most of the time I aim for invisibility, and deflect/descalate. Failing that, back the f*ck off (on-duty), or wanna play :sneaky: (direct or indirect challenge) usually works.

I'm feeling all bring it right now, though, which is part of why I'm staying home.

 

[Nessa7]

It is great that the girl at the counter supported you and the store had helpful security. I don't like when people stand too close in line. I fidget and move around in line so that I take up more space.

 

[Deleted member 44579]

It is great that the girl at the counter supported you and the store had helpful security. I don't like...

Thankyou nessa7... I was relieved that they helped... Sometimes people are too afraid to say anything....