General What are they thinking?

[Changing4Best]

You never want to hear somebody talking bad about the love of your life... even themselves.

Can my...

Yup, we all have our days we'd like to forget, I am sure. I have had a few of those this week, in fact!

 

[Freida]

Dear supporters..
Once again I hate you. I hate when you look at me, I hate when you talk to me, everything you say pisses me off, just breathing in the same room with me is annoying the crap out of me. And I hate myself for feeling that way. I'm afraid to talk to you because I know the chances of me being mean are sky high. I hate that I am angry with you over things that happened long before we met. I hate that you want to help me and there is no way you can and I hate myself for being mean when you try to anyway. I hate that there is no safety anywhere --- and I know that upsets you because you take it as I don't trust you. Which, right now, I don't. But its not you -- not really

I don't trust anyone right now. I can't. There is danger everywhere and I can't watch all directions at once. The screaming wont stop and the physical pain is amping up and all I want to do is run. If I could just get somewhere quiet, away from all of you, locked down without anyone knowing where I am, I could maybe be safe, I could breath, I could stop worrying about hurting those I love. I could stop trying to swallow all that is building inside so that it doesn't explode and just let it out.

I'm taking the train to my sisters so I won't have access to my car for the next few days, but I'm not sure it will help when I get back. I know I still have at least a month to go before the pain lessens. Each year I wonder if this is the year I will lose control and run. It's like a drug --- a constant longing to escape. I know in my brain that it is a PTSD anniversary reaction and nothing will change if I take off, but in my soul I know it will be better if I just found that alone spot where I could.... Hell I don't even know what I could could. I just want to get in my car and go..

 

[Changing4Best]

:hug: if you accept @Freida

 

[Snowflakes]

@Freida :hug:

 

[RRT13]

I finally felt safe.

Ok, I confess, the relationship has changed, as we are no longer together,...

My combat vet ex and I are in this stage right now. We broke up almost 2 months ago, he moved back home a few hours a way. We still keep in contact almost everyday with texting. We still hint to each other we care and miss each other. I hope this is just a very slow process of us building trust everyday. Our relationship started off very fast and intense so now it feels like turtle speed. Just taking it one day at a time.

 

[EveHarrington]

My combat vet ex and I are in this stage right now. We broke up almost 2 months ago, he moved back h...

That sounds like a good plan.

My ex is the king of mixed messages. Told me I’m wonderful (but didn’t want to be with me), dropped everything to comfort me, texting every day, etc. I laid all of my cards on the table and had the door slammed in my face. He is with someone else already. Seems fast to me, but who am I to judge? I deserve better than what he had to offer. We had a big blow up a few days before Christmas where he EXPLODED when I told him I finally had closure now that I knew he is with someone else. He was hella pissed that I didn’t get closure just by him telling me it was over. Yeah, as if I’m supposed to feel things on his schedule. He is an emotional lightweight (couldn’t even handle my happy emotions). I’m glad things are over so I can find someone who will love me for who I am. Good riddance.

 

[Freida]

I'm doing better. Feeling like I'm climbing out of a big dark hole foot by foot but the light is there. So far I haven't pissed off the family ...though I've been on line and doing a bit more ignoring than usual

Hubby stayed home to work so won't see him till tomorrow. I think I have some apologizing to do but I'm not sure. I think I was bitchy but not overly so. Will be interesting to see what he thinks. I did come up with one thing I think we need to have a come to Jesus on but I'm gonna wait for a couple days and make sure it's real (hopefully wait).

I'm fairly certain it's safe to get my car keys back in the next few days.....keep your fingers crossed. this may be just a brief break before the next storm. That's the part that is so hard. I really don't know. I may wake up every day for the next day week month and be ok....then BANG! Off and running ugh.

 

[RRT13]

@EveHarrington its a lot of push and pull. These last 4 months have taught me a lot of patience, trust, a lot of hurting, ups and downs and anxiety. We pretty much mirror our emotions a lot. When i somewhat open up he shuts down on text and doesnt respond. So i shut down. Next day we start over completely new not even bringing up any emotions maybe just being flirty or silly and its good. I dont try to pressure him and if he talks i talk. This weekend i did say with a little alcohol i missed him and wanted to see him. He says he misses me too and would let me know the next day if he could see me. That was yesterday and nothings been brought up. We have several days this week either of us could visit but i know it wont happen. So just make the best of it until we do. Im not going to bring it up anymore. I know hes with his family and its his first holidays like mine being divorced. I feel like I constantly play level 9 of Tetris with him.As soon as i break his walls a little bit, hes putting them back up. I feel atleast he still trusts me to still text me and talk even though i contact first.

 

[Sweetpea76]

@Freida glad you're feeling a bit better.

I think I have some apologizing to do but I'm not sure. I think I was bitchy but not overly so. Will be interesting to see what he thinks.

I'm willing to bet he took things a lot less personally than you think he did. My vet is always way harder on himself than I would ever be.

 

[Freida]

m willing to bet he took things a lot less personally than you think he did. My vet is always way harder on himself than I would ever be.

Hopefully!!!

 

[LuckiLee]

It's still nice to get an apology.

Glad things are going well for you.
Merry Christmas!

 

[New]

@EveHarrington I’m so glad I read this thread. I have probably given advice to others on here saying what they did or how they acted was normal because of their PTSD. But normal isn’t the right word at all and it would frustrate me. Thank you for this!

As others have said I really appreciate when my husband points out to me I’m not thinking like a normal person in certain situations. It doesn’t hurt my feelings. I may argue my point in my paranoid state of mind but later I always realize he was right.

@Freida

I’m hoping things with your husband went smoothly.