The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[Deleted member 12723]

It is very pretty.

 

[mumstheword]

Thank you Rain :-) I'm a bit awkward with compliments, often, but I've learnt just to say "thank you, that is very kind of you to say :-)" so that.


I'm weirdly numb today, which is better than miserable, I think. At my core, I have a lot of built up good feeling but I'm still very, very ragged around the edges. I need to "catch my breath" so to speak, and that's been hard.

What I do appreciate is how life simplifies when one is unwell. Things become focused on getting through, doing what one can't get away with not doing and planning and executing recovery activities while managing the unwell state itself. So I've surrended this is me now. Semi recovered and also very unwell. I don't want to die, although I just caught myself thinking very dark thoughts about the line of women I've come from and how breeding wasn't a good idea for one so intergenerationally damaged as I, I was thinking offing myself would have been wiser and less pain, but here we are. Children must be cared for, damage control is needed, harm minimization is a primary directive of mine, so I must push on and do what I can.

My world is very small now. I'm not interested in much of it. Relating to it, in terms of many people, is something I recoil from. I don't have energy for that. I have energy for recovery, not putting on appearances, making my mark, doing what others and society at large expect , just recovering. I owe myself and all that I love my most well self. I owe myself my own allegiance. I owe myself a chance that others wouldn't give me growing up, or as a younger woman. I owe myself the care I've bestowed on others without hesitation and regardless of how they treated me, for too long I gave and gave and gave and now it's my turn. My inner people, my inner teens and children need me to tend to them now. It's no longer survival time or crisis management time, it's reparation time, healing time, peicing myself together time, rest and recupe time. It's "I love me too" time.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

It's "I love me too" time.

I so agree.:hug:

 

[ninja]

Happy holidays @mumstheword
I hope this finds you in good spirits, enjoying a really good day. Sending kindness and appreciation. :hug::hug::inlove:

 

[mumstheword]

I am processing a bit of that severe despair and loneliness that I know so well. I am not on my own anymore so it's safe to do so. So many of the assaults and sexual abuse I never spoke of, because there was nobody who cared enough to tell. That's a hard thing to bare as a child and a teenager. I am haunted by this.
It was my mum's birthday yesterday. I couldn't bring myself to call her. She abandoned me from tiny, really. Never present, never kind, never comforting, never someone I could go to.

Such a lonely frightened child who was so, so vulnerable because nobody was present or protective or a safe person for her.
I need to learn how to comfort you now tiny N.
You were shamed, expected to be support and a prop-up for grown ups who weren't acting like grown ups or parents, hit and frightened, threatened and dumped, neglected and disregarded, ignored and scapegoated and you had no one to turn to when raped and sexually assaulted, strangled and choked, exploited and treated like you meant nothing.

You have had such terrible treatment. People who were supposed to care, didnt. Now they expect you to behave like a dutiful daughter. Not Dad so much, he, at least tried and was honest and humble even though he was a depressed, ineffectual, fearful Aspi guy who never stood up to my mother, or my stepmother, both harmed me and were selfish and very bpd in their behaviour. I'm glad I worked very hard to be a different kind of woman to the women I was subject to.

My sense of womanhood is not reliant on the elder women in my family. If that was so I would be a very, very hard person to be around. A damaging woman. I'm not saying I'm all that awesome, I just work hard to be emotional honest, inflict no harm, I sacrifice my own self before I hurt my children, instead of put myself first, I consider their welfare my primary objective. I find it hard to want anything just for my sake. I learnt that I don't really matter so it's a work in progress to consider myself. I wish I felt like I mattered to my family more. I know that I have the power to hurt them. If I took myself out, that would hurt them a lot, so I figure it's loving to them to repair myself. Maybe I will set an example, show them that honest commitment to growth and thriving is good for everyone.

If it wasn't for my guy I wouldn't even know what it felt like to feel truly cared for. I wouldn't have made it this far. I am working on the self care. I'm doing ok. I'm scared of feeling into that place where rapes and long term neglect and abuse and cruelty and too many close-to-deaths happened. How will I do when I feel that? I want access to my whole self but some of me is locked in a torture chamber with a sociopath and some with a nightmare woman who's wickedness haunts me everyday. And how many people have raped me? I don't even really know or remember. Thanks dissociation. I don't even know if I want to know. There is a reason I switched off. I don't know if I can get my whole self on without going into those dark and helpless places though. I'm scared of needing more support than I'll ever be able to receive because that's something my brain knows too well.

Universe? "GOD"? Will you catch me if I fall too far? I need to be here for the people who need me but I also need them to be here for me. Can I trust that they will?

I will do this with professional help. I love myself and others to do this with people who are equipped to support me through this process. I trust my own process and integrity and care for no-harm to all involved.

 

[mumstheword]

Happy holidays @mumstheword
I hope this finds you in good spirits, enjoying a rea...

Thank you sweet NinjaWolf :-) i did have a good day. My best Christmas day yet, although I had only one of my children with us, my youngest son. My partner has his two young adult sons and his oldest's gf showed us a perfect spot. It was in a beautiful rainforest setting and we had the whole place to ourselves :-) We got to eat our yum lunch and leave before a summer storm hit. Myself and my kind-of-DIL get on well, we have similar zany senses of fun and humour. It was good. Low stress and a gorgeous spot that was cool in spite of the intense heat of the day. Considering my general state at present, I couldn't have asked for a better day.

It was also my mother's birthday and I didn't call her. I still can't cope with contact. My Dad called me, he had a good day with my sister/his other daughter (2nd marriage) and his brother's family. I sent presents and a Christmas cake and fruit salad down to my kids who were at their dad's house. As usual I didn't get thanks except from my oldest daughter who picked them up. That was nice, she wanted to talk. We talked about drawing and study and colouring pencils. She seemed pretty happy despite the fact that her Dad hadn't even done regular food shopping let alone Christmas good shopping. She is getting a lot out of her fashion design course that she's doing.

 

[mumstheword]

I had a dream this morning. It in were my abusive neighbor (who's away at the moment, yay! :-)) my ex and my mother. They were living in the same house with me and were all being "friendly". I didn't want to be around any of them and spent the whole dream trying to get to Cairns for a retreat. I was even prepared to hitch and sleep beside the road and packed newspapers to sleep on. It shows my default tactic when dealing with people I don't have the skills or resources to relate to in a way that's safe for me; run.

I think the Cairns thing relates to me going to Queensland in the New year for my hospital admission. I ended up taking a bus, in the dream. It feels like getting to the program is my main hope in learning how to cope with these people. At the moment my self esteem is hit so hard from contact with those people.

I just don't want to be someone who has to fake so hard just so I can be around people. I have to pretend I'm not upset at the behaviour and I'm not prepared to try to make nice and be considerate to those that clearly don't consider me or make efforts to be honest or kind or any kind of trustworthy, or receive any feedback about their impact on me. So I'm liberating myself by not going there. It's hard with the neighbor because she very loud a lot. I think I will be making big waves about her impact on all the households around her, to housing next year.

I truly am a gentle sensitive soul who likes being nice and knows I deserve respect now. I like to be treated with respect and I choose that. I also like kindness. I am kind and honest and I like that. I used to hate myself because I was taught that I am wrong, difficult, disgusting, a reject. I was hurting a lot back then and had a lot of unmet needs. I guess I must have been pretty horrid or just suffering and untreated. Now, the people that treated me like I am horrid are still hurting my psyche. In actual fact I find them horrid. I wish it was different though. Maybe I will learn how to transform this. I hope so.

 

[mumstheword]

It feels scary to say I'm a gentle person.

 

[mumstheword]

Things keep coming up that have hurt a lot but I had too much going on to deal with at the time. My Japanese/Australian muso friend who I had a bit of a crush on , who threw himself in front of a train.

All the christmas's my guy spent with his ex, yeah the one who punched me in the face, gave him a big, false bogus record, broke his nose while he was driving, nearly took his head off with a shovel, abused him and their sons regularly, took his boys away from him for years. This is the first Christmas that I get to spend with him in our 8 years.

 

[mumstheword]

Lots of grief for my hard disadvantaged life. Why did my mum not think of me? Why did they both let me fall through the cracks? Why did I get treated as if I was nothing? Why did I have to get sucked in to a charmingly-falsely- proclaiming sociopath?

I was like a child being led with music, like the pied piper leading the children away from their families. But in my case, my family showed me there was nothing they were prepared to do for me, no help there. I am grieving for my teenage self. So vulnerable, so alone. Things would have been very different if you had someone caring there for you teen self. You are still hurting and terrified, shattered and in shock. I want to tell you - you matter. That you are worth caring for. That someone caring would have cared but you didn't know where to look. Predators everywhere, and judgemental people, treating you like a thing, not a person. You had it very tough girl. It's ok to grieve. To cry for the homeless and vulnerable girl-child who fell into the the clutches of a hebophile. At least you got to sing and dance, like a dancing bear on display, but better than just being a sex slave. I got to be a mum and a performer. That's something. I am sad for you young N. Crying for your bush-streetgirl status. How can I relate to parents who did nothing to address my pain or to care for me as such a young hurting person? I am stuck there, in that horrible, abused, alone state. I want to let go of the pain but it's so huge. Being raped and nobody who was supposed to, did anything. Being drugged and raped and choked/nearly strangled and nobody cared. I had to take care of myself and I didn't know how to. I made bad choices. I was in shock. I already had c-ptsd/developmental trauma, whatever you want to call it. It was bad. I'm still alive though, that's amazing.

I had a family. I just wanted my kids to be as ok as I could. I did what I could. Life on earth is very tough for some of us. I wanted to bring beauty, care, love and creativity and I did my best when I was damaged from the start. I'm grieving for my child and teen self. How do I go forward when I am still so damaged from the beginning and then on and on and on and on?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

How do I go forward when I am still so damaged from the beginning and then on and on and on and on?

Because you are different now, you are an adult now all grown up with experiences and love in your life and your kids coming back to you now. You have the chance to do it all over now doing your self care and loving yourself. There are so many different reasons but things are different now.

Vent and grieve and rant some more here yet take this new chance at a do over in your adult life today.

 

[mumstheword]

Because you are different now, you are an adult now all grown up with experiences and love in your life an...

Thank you @Rain. Your kindness brought the tears again. These tears of grief are so deep I'm too raw even.to let my guy see them. I'm glad to get it off my chest though. You are right. I'm not there now. I'm loved. My kids are coming back to me, and treating me as a person, more and more. I think they know what I have done for them and I think they forgive me for what I couldn't do and what I did wrong from a hurt disadvantaged place. I fought for them, and I surrendered for them too. I fought for my life for them and always kept the love alive inside. I choose love, just as I've chosen life.

Thank you for giving me perspective when my emotions from long past are overwhelming me. I guess I am thawing more and more and as the frozen-in-shock-and-overwhelm melts, the tears flow and the feelings are felt. I have love and compassion for my child-girl self, that is helping me get through this and accept myself and where I find myself. I have a beautiful man to walk beside me and to love. I am blessed. I have gratitude and have felt the touch of grace, many times. I have here. I'm going to get past this. I'm going to grow.