Dom Violence I never thought i could do it...but i did

[Whirlwind]

Happy HAPPY New Year to everyone......

This year I did it. I never thought I could, would...I thought my life had come full circle despite all of my efforts to the contrary.

Honestly, given my age....these last years, the debacle that became my life. I can't lie, I thought I was done, I was ready to check out. Perhaps that is what finally gave me the courage? Last survival instinct? Finally accepting my truth?

I got out of my abusive relationship. I was so ashamed of where I found myself late in life and it had triggered a massive upheaval of my old stuff...my PTSD emerged with a vengeance which also kept me stuck. A therapist who didn't believe me...he wasn't a bad person but naive? but all these years he cast my situation as PTSD and flashbacks.....

I almost didn't make it. It was ugly getting free and some bad things happened along the way. I had some awful experiences with DV and some wonderful ones.

But I kept going.....as many "bad" things that happened, very good ones did too. The outcome was entirely unexpected too.

What I am trying to say is the fears that kept me stuck were valid but I did not consider that some good things would happen too. It doesn't just go one way! Going to my first DV meeting was beyond humiliating....and I found support and camaraderie that I could never have imagined.

I just kept going. I should also add I am utterly isolated, zero friends anymore and I have no living family. To say I am alone is an understatement.

I planned for some time.....and finally just did it, threw myself over the cliff in a last ditch effort. I cannot adequately describe how scared I was, my PTSD was raging and I still did it.

I am older, alone, and now I have to start over. I am dealing with some health issues, I just had major surgery...alone. No visitors, no help. I did it. My doc was concerned..but the nurses sweet and I ended up with a lovely young woman as my roomie...she was a chatterbox. LOL. Again, it wasn't as scary as I feared. Not optimal but very ok.

.....it is daunting but I wake up these days happy, a little scared sometimes but I have ideas, things I want to do. I get giddy over the little things. I feared my loneliness too. I am NOT lonely, I talk to the clerks at the store, random people, a neighbor. I am critter sitting now, and I am volunteering at an animal shelter. I love it.

Its a start. I hurt for anyone that has experienced DV, early on or later in life. I had both, seemed like my life was destined for abuse.

Just do it.

It sounds impossible but its just that, throw yourself off the cliff and let it unfold. Go to a DV meeting...just do one thing. Its the beginning of your new life. It took me 8 months once it began...that was it and here I am. Decades of crap over in just 8 months.

Can you imagine?

Whirlwind

 

[Teasel]

I am really happy for you :-) lovely to read about you getting giddy over little things and having ideas and things you want to do.

I've been in an abusive relationship for a couple decades too and till last year reply didn't think I would ever get away. I'm going to though, and am even beginning to feel a little excited about it sometimes.

It would be great to hear how you get on going forward :-)

 

[Deleted member 34561]

Hey Whirlwind you and me are in the same boat mate. I just want to congratulate you on your successful escape and for the support and understanding you have shown me on my own thread 'why do we keep going back'. I want to tell you I'm proud of you and the progress you have made in breaking away from abuse when like me and so many others here, abuse is all we ever knew. We are of a similar age (I'm almost 50) and finally deciding we have had enough of being treated like dog turd by those who profess to 'love' us is never easy but with people our age it presents all sorts of extra challenges doesn't it? I too am facing old age alone. I too have physical health problems along side the C-PTSD. But like you I am finally finding a new joy and hope in living. I just want to tell you your story is important and has worth and value. You as a human being have worth and value too. You have helped me more than you know. So thank you from the bottom of my heart and you keep on keeping on my friend. Ne te illegitimi confundit. Which is Latin and it roughly means DON'T LET THE BASTARDS GRIND YOU DOWN. You go girl. God bless you and keep you safe. I think at our time of life we have paid our dues and have earned the right to live our lives happy safe and FREE.

Best

Crazydiamond47

 

[Muted]

You’re very brave @Whirlwind! I wish you the best and all the happiness life can bring you!

 

[LuckiLee]

So very happy for you. You can do anything. The sky's the limit. Congratulations!

 

[mumstheword]

Yes I absolutely can and the courage and fortitude that it takes is formidable.
You are AWESOME!
I had to "do or die" too.
It's excruciatingly challenging. I too went to group. Well done for getting out!

 

[ladee]

I do hope you can hear the 'hoooraaays' and feel the good hugs of doing something so brave !! So many simply do not understand what it takes to get out... and here you are... starting to feel joy and finding you again....

Very very proud of you, and supporting your new adventures... you may feel alone right now, but time will let you explore safe options, and you have us... myself another one that 'jumped off the cliff'.... many years ago... but I can still get a little crazy if I allow myself too much thinking on that subject..

Congratulations.... very brave, and the sky is the limit.... very proud you are breathing air that isn't hostile or contaminated.... gentle hugs.

 

[LuckiLee]

@Bearlinda. You are stronger than you think. And I for one know you can do it. When you're ready of course.

Like @Whirlwind said. Just do one thing. Anything. Make a plan. That alone will empower you. Save that $10 a week. Go to just one DV meeting. You don't even have to talk if you don't want to. Confide in a friend if you can. Anything. Something....

You are more than your situation. You're kind. Helpful. Open. Accepting. To name a few things.

Whatever you decide. We'll support you. I just don't want you to suffer more than you already have. Please be kind to yourself and know that you're not alone. We're here with you. Be careful.

XO

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

Oh what a feeling! High fives and heart hugs to ya'! Sending strength to others who are still trying to make the move...you can do it...really. Grateful to be among such an amazing tribe, albeit due to incredibly shitty circumstances.

 

[Whirlwind]

Thank you all SO MUCH.

I am not here to boast...I just wish somehow I could convey the horror I felt, the hopelessness and futility.... I had given up on all levels. Then I just decided to go for it, I figured I was dead anyway. Not a great premise but even that consideration started from my "playing around" with the idea of leaving. I copied important docs....did my safety planning...just went through the motions. It gave me something to do. And when it got bad.....I would think of the little steps I had quietly taken....a secret rebellious stand.

I wanted to post in hopes of giving someone just that, a little hope. I had read others who got free but they all had help. My only attempt to ask for help was met with cruelty.....later gas lighting from therapist (albeit unintentional).

you may feel alone right now, but time will let you explore safe options, and you have us...

That is a nice thought...I always felt good on this site, spoke with amazing people. It is something to feel understood. I am a little overwhelmed so I am paring things down to short term for now. And I have all of YOU. Yea!! I'm glad to be back :)

DON'T LET THE BASTARDS GRIND YOU DOWN

Now that brought a smile...THANK YOU. It feels great to stand a little taller these days.

With gratitude, Whirlwind

 

[ladee]

I for one heard a life saving escape, not once did 'boasting' ever enter my mind.... but now that you use that word... boast away mama, what you did is amazing.... well thought out, and knowing you were terrified the whole time... many of us have been there.... and we really do understand....
In my reality at the time, I really didn't have a 'me' to save... if that makes sense, but I knew on some deep level, I had nothing left to loose either.... and if you feel you are being prideful .... then 'take pride in your actions'.... because those of us who were there, we know what it takes to get out.... and you ARE giving the gift of hope to many here.... Grateful you made it out, and grateful you shared it.... sending gentle hugs... you will need lots of them... we are here for you!!!

 

[dulcia]

WOOHOOOO!!!