Relationship How do you deal with projections?

[Sweetpea76]

the more I disengage, the less emotionally involved I become, and the more I start thinking “why am I even going through all this? Why not just give up?”

I know this feeling, and I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. You could give up, but you aren't giving up. There is a big difference.

I think that once you hit this point you lose that desperation that makes you want to be a martyr to your partner's mental illness. The "I'll do anything to save/keep them" issue that leads to codependency and toxic relationships stops.

Yes, you're not as emotionally involved, but in a good way. You're probably losing your shit a lot less, crying a lot less, and feeling a little more emotionally stable. You're probably also calling him on more of his issues that he needs to work on. It doesn't mean you've stopped loving him. It means that you love him enough not to be in a toxic relationship with him. I talk about hitting a "zen" point with my vet, and I think this feeling is the beginning of it. I love him madly. I will do anything to help him... being in a one sided relationship where he gets to be a ranting unstable emotional vampire while I sit there and take it is not doing him any favors. It sure as hell isnt doing anything for my emotional health either. I love him, but I had to put the breaks on the "ride or die".

How is allowing somebody to suck the life out of you for years and years love? That's not love. That's cruel to both of you.

 

[Snowflakes]

@Sweetpea76 (f I could give a thousand “likes” to your post, I would. You have the wonderful ability to write what I’m thinking but don’t have the ability to put to words like you do. Your post describes my life today. Thank you :hug:

 

[Mackie]

There are a few passages I reflect on when the going gets tough. One is:

Remember that romantic love is easy because it's practically automatic. However, real love demands that you continually make a choice to be loving. When your loved one has PTSD, time and again you must choose to be loving despite the obstacles that PTSD hurls your way.

 

[grimalkin]

Projections happened all the time with my sufferer, especially at the end. He eventually took my disengaging as my being "done," (along with thinking that's what I said, which wasn't what I said at all) so even disengaging ended up being the "wrong" thing to do. That said, our marriage therapist also pointed out at that point that there was nothing more I COULD do, and it was time to save myself before I could save my marriage.

But yeah, I got blamed throughout our relationship for doing and saying things that either his abusers had said and done, his exes had said and done, or most "fun" of all, that HE HIMSELF had said or done.

When a sufferer's therapy is either non-existent from the start, or no longer on the table, and they are that deep into the hole of projection/denial...yeah. Luck to you, @Hojay

 

[Gamereign555]

Some people forget, or never knew that when we feel angry, disappointed or whatever at someone, that there is a thought process that occurs between feeling the emotion and acting upon it.

When this happens, more than likely it is felt as a conflict that needs resolved, and instead of forming constructive thoughts about the situation, the person will react upon their feelings, absent of such conflict resolution skills as if in a learned type behavior.

The recipient usually ends up being shamed and blamed into solving the conflict on their own. Which of course is wrong.

People who act this way are acting upon cognitive distortion, a bent view of reality and it’s abusive to others.

There is probably a reason for it, likely such people feel anger or disappointment or are otherwise depressed themselves.

I am no therapist so I couldn’t tell you exactly what to say but by analyzing your mate, you could probably question their motives, reassuring them that together we can figure this conflict out and that and we indeed will. Keep trying and they may change their distorted views over time.

If this doesn’t work, explain to the person that they are being abusive and how. Explain to them that you feel their pain and have been attempting to resolve conflicts without argument, because it hurts to be attacked with words. We should be addressing and solving issues between each other with togetherness.

Keeping the peace. This has worked for me. I have used this reasoning all the time. Some people are receptive to it and some are not.

Of course some are too addicted to getting their way by way of such abuse, they feel that works best for them. They have much to learn.. on their own.

 

[Hojay]

@Snowflakes thank you! Again, this resonates. You are right, the fact that he can’t be in therapy right now is driving us even more apart. I am disengaged and he’s struggling over there on his own.

@Sweetpea76 A thousand times yes! You really hit the nail on the head here. I’m losing my shit a lot less and am better able to focus on other things that matter to me. But it’s also a strange sort of relationship limbo where I can only live my life and wait and see if he figures himself out. How long to do that for? I have no idea. I will have to come to some sort of conclusion. Even if we do restart, I need to be able to go in with my own terms and conditions in tact. But I’m starting to think all that is too much to expect of him.

@Mackie totally on board with your sentiment that love is a choice we make every day. To this point I’ve always chosen to stick with him. I’m really considering making a different choice at this point and it’s making me a little sick to think about.

@grimalkin
Thank you, yes, much of what you said mirrors what’s been happening with my SO. It’s not a constant but when he’s triggered and goes into one of his month-long episodes, we can’t have a conversation without all that happening. So no real conversation from my end now, which is making it feel less like a cooling off and more like a slow break up period.

@gamereign555 yes, we’ve had the conversation(s) you describe. Analyzing the root of his behavior, agreeing that it’s abusive, and being positive about tackling that together.
What’s different now, though, is that it’s starting to feel like he is displaying a status quo I may have either refused to see or he was very good at hiding. In the past he was gung-ho about therapy and had a real “fighting” attitude. It feels now like he’s giving up or just reverting to how he’s always been, somewhat self pitying and stubborn about doing this on his own (with the unhelpful tools he’s employed before.) I feel duped somehow, but I also know how desperate and awful he must feel to get this way. So again I’m torn between believing in him and knowing that time will move him along or accepting that he’s beyond help and healing...which is an awful realization to have about someone you love.

 

[grimalkin]

In the past he was gung-ho about therapy and had a real “fighting” attitude. It feels now like he’s giving up or just reverting to how he’s always been, somewhat self pitying and stubborn about doing this on his own (with the unhelpful tools he’s employed before.) I feel duped somehow, but I also know how desperate and awful he must feel to get this way.

That's kind of what happened with my sufferer. He told me, long long ago, that he's a loner asshole, but he likes who he is and who he wants to be when he's with me. Again, "PTSD" was not an "issue" (and I allowed way too many of my own boundaries be trampled for way too long, but different story and my issue), so I believed him that the issues he DID admit to were under control.

Now, he's back to "I'm just a loner asshole, I just need to be alone, I tried and it wasn't good enough, so f*ck it all and f*ck you." Half of me feels nothing but horrible that he's going through this, and that's what he thinks of himself. The other part feels duped and wants him to at least admit that he wasn't honest with me, or himself, about PTSD/his "issues."

 

[Hojay]

A thousand times yes, @grimalkin. Unfortunately, this resonates on a lot of levels

"PTSD" was not an "issue"

In my case, he was very willing to admit that PTSD was an issue. In fact, the very next day after his first "episode" in front of me, he'd found a therapist and made an appointment. Well...things have stalled or gone downhill from there. He had a great therapist here where we live, but my partner had to move (we're in Europe, so just an hours flight kind of long distance now) where he had EMDR treatment way too soon and then a therapist who downright abused him. So I can't even blame him for reverting back to his "loner asshole" ways. He really stuck his neck out..for nothing so far.

The other part feels duped and wants him to at least admit that he wasn't honest with me, or himself, about PTSD/his "issues."

Yes, why, oh, why do I feel so duped? I mean, this refutes everything I've said above, because on some level I DO understand why he's clammed up again, but on the other hand I feel like he's taken me on this crazy ass ride for 2.5 years only to say "mmyeah, never mind, can't be that guy after all." I can't accuse him of maliciously roping me into a relationship under false pretenses. I really do think he wants to be that guy. Maybe I'm just mad at myself right now...for betting on potential, rather than the status quo. I feel a bit like an idiot.

And now he's slowly recovering and showing signs of hope and sense. So what do I do? Tell him that's great but I don't believe in you anymore? Who does that? Who's not worth believing in? God this is hard.

 

[Gs172003]

Yep.



This is a hard limit for me, I don’t do empathy, I do Oh hell no. Pull your head out of yo...

I'm a

@SherlocktoWatson
Unfortunately, right now he’s had to take a break from therapy. S...

Oh Lord I see myself in some of these posts. Sorry hubby

 

[Deleted member 44240]

There are a few passages I reflect on when the going gets tough. One is:

Remember that romantic love i...

@Mackie, I really enjoyed reading this... So very ensightful.