Relationship Is this 'normal' with ptsd sibling

[Bart1]

So i have a sibling who many years ago decided to go AWOL and cut everyone off and continue living their life with no contact with any close family / friends. This went on for more than 10 years and prior to that this sibling had a pretty demanding character especially when it came to finances and time spent together etc as a family. When they made this decision they blocked pretty much everyone on social media bar the odd friend here and there. Same thing with phone numbers etc.
This sibling also would communicate with our parents in a very sporadic fashion and would call and email when it suited, then abruptly change phone numbers and email addresses at the drop of a hat. When it suited them. This would sometimes be associated with a demand for something which couldn't happen straight away then the 'punishment' would be their disappearing act. For 6-12 months at a time.
This sibling has now been in touch out of the blue after more than 10 years has gone by, and somewhere in conversation has mentioned they are a PTSD sufferer. I honestly don't know much about PTSD and want to know if this is how PTSD sufferers behave ? I am trying to tread carefully but have received a ton of abuse when I have hesitated in responding to demands for my time, money and threats that come with it. Only because with the passage of time I feel like my very own flesh and blood has become like a stranger to me. I'd love to help and be there for them but i am not sure how to handle them and their behavior to be perfectly honest

 

[Sweetpea76]

There is no blanket behavior for all PTSD sufferers. Everybody is individual. They have different triggers and stressors unique to their trauma history. They react to symptoms in different ways, they use different coping mechanisms, etc.

With that being said, some people do isolate as a coping mechanism.

It could be PTSD, it could not be related at all.

I'd open my mind a bit and see what they have to say. In my experience PTSD isolation periods aren't about punishing other people, they're a coping mechanism when the sufferer cannot manage stress.

Keep in mind though, just because they have PTSD does not mean you have to have them in your life if they hurt you.

 

[Bart1]

Thanks for replying

 

[Bart1]

I guess I have alot to learn. it's been over 10 years since my sibling turned away from all of us. None of us knew or know about the PTSD. Like I said they have resurfaced now unexpectedly after this long silence and want to know where certain people are want them to turn up to where they are like immediately. When this doesn't happen, they are met with a string of abuse but it's really hard for all of us to understand.
Nobody is saying they don't want to help and be supportive but it's a little hard when it's the middle of the night or the crack of dawn to jump up to the call of someone who walked out of your life at the drop of a hat. And when you try and explain that you can be there shortly (like straight after dropping kids off at school etc) you get told to Forget It and faced with hostility. So it's really hard to understand this behaviour. And how to respond. Do nothing? Still turn up anyway and risk further swearing at you ? Wait for them to reach out again; will it be another 10 year disappearance ? It's a really tough one

 

[Sideways]

Boundaries. Clear and consistent ones so that they know exactly where they stand, and what you will/won’t tolerate.

So, if you offer to show up, but at a time that better suits you, and get abused? “I’m sorry that you seem to be upset by my not turning up (validates their distress), but I had other commitments (communicate your needs). I’m happy to meet up if you can give me a time/place say, a day in advance (offers solution), but please don’t use the foul language when you talk to me (boundary).”

It may take a few hit and misses for it to work. It may never work. Giving someone money just because? Reasonable to simply decline that - you don’t currently have a relationship with this person, and non-monetary support, like offering to meet up, sounds like a very reasonable compromise.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I agree with @Ragdoll Circus. Boundaries.

You don't have to tolerate being sworn at or berated. You don't have to jump because you're being emotionally blackmailed.

 

[Bart1]

Oh my goodness. You have completely understood exactly where I am coming from with this. And I really love the idea of clear boundaries as well. I do feel like there's a ton of emotional blackmail going on here but i didn't know if this is how it is with PTSD sufferers or not. So I didn't call it that.
We are at a point now where I have now been told not to bother getting in touch with them as my lack of financial support has apparently proven that I am not genuinely interested in a relationship with them ? Therefore they do not wish to meet up. I should 'have a nice life' and Oh any swear words were a joke and not to be taken personally as not intended to offend ? I am talking about seriously offensive personal swear words directed specifically at me. So i responded by saying that's fine I shall not get in touch. But again I don't know if this is 'typical' of PTSD sufferers: to be deeply offensive in one minute and in the next you say it's all 'a joke'. It's all so unpredictable and leaves me feeling very uncomfortable.

 

[Sideways]

to be deeply offensive in one minute and in the next you say it's all 'a joke'.

The short answer is no, this is just them being a shit.

It’s very possible that their ptsd is driving this behaviour: things like going no contact with people for long periods, fear of (perceived) abandonment, and difficulty regulating emotions, are all typical ptsd. But that doesn’t add up to what you’re experiencing. The verbal abuse is abuse, and you don’t need to tolerate it, regardless of the cause or motivation.

 

[Buttercup]

I started to think my sister has PTSD after coming on this site and learning a lot. I recently asked her if she does (we were in a conversation about it), and she said yes. I didn't ask her if she has been diagnosed because we ended up getting in a very nasty fight (not related to our PTSD convo) where she swore at me multiple times. It ended very badly.

She has isolated herself from friends and family for many years and seems perfectly happy on her own. I am the only one she has any type or relationship with, and that is pretty minimal, when we were always very close growing up. Before this long period of isolation she has blocked me, not spoken to me for several months, blamed me for stuff...a lot of what you have mentioned about your sibling.

But your situation does sound way more abusive. After our recent fight when she swore at me, she texted me an apology a few days later. I accepted the apology and apologized myself for getting so upset with her. Now things are back to normal.

I personally would not accept the abuse you described at all and I think you are very compassionate for coming here to learn and try and figure this out. I think your sibling acting like it was a joke was a way of an apology without admitting blame or taking responsibility.

Stay strong and true to your needs!

 

[Sweetpea76]

But again I don't know if this is 'typical' of PTSD sufferers: to be deeply offensive in one minute and in the next you say it's all 'a joke'.

Nope. It's typical of an asshole. All kinds of people get PTSD, even assholes. There is no free pass to treat people any way you want if you have PTSD, so don't ever think you have to excuse this stuff from them.

Trust me, if you are restablishing any kind of contact, or even have the possibility of it, do not start out by allowing them to use their illness to manipulate you. Respect runs two ways.

 

[Bart1]

Hello everyone. I appreciate all the responses you have given me. It is very true that I was absolutely going to excuse this behaviour 100% and put it down to the PTSD as I have no knowledge whatsoever of the condition. It had gotten to the point where I was planning on reaching out (again!) even after this last bout of abuse: by saying 'I've learnt a little about the PTSD and understand why you are treating me this way". But I decided to come here first and see if this is indeed the case.
I really appreciate Ragdoll's explanation but I can also see that this is can end up becoming an extremely manipulative situation which I would like to avoid at all costs. I guess from my end it's just harder because I guess in PTSD language, they were in isolation for over 10 years no contact with me personally and only a chosen few relatives and our parents. It was sporadic communication which tended to occur when they needed something, then another disappearance for 6-12 months again.
So for someone to walk away for that length of time, and come back in this way, I guess I am just trying to get my head around it all as i fear that another ten years may go by again. I am not comfortable with being treated like this when someone snaps their fingers and you are expected to respond to demands immediately; otherwise you get a huge reaction.

 

[EveHarrington]

A few things.....

Aside from automatic reactions like flashbacks and jumping out of our skin when startled, we DO have control over the way we behave and treat others. Yes, it can be difficult at times to control our behavior, for example when we don’t feel safe and lash out or isolate, but still, these are behaviors that can be controlled over time.

PTSD should never be used as an excuse to tolerate being mistreated. Yes, allowances can be made if someone is symptomatic and acting out, but it’s important that the sufferer is working on controlling those behaviors (as to expect overnight change is asking too much).

Is this person working on healing? If not, this is likely as good as it gets.

Tolerating this behavior in the name of ptsd doesn’t do anyone any good as it can even be seen as enabling and branch into the world of codependency.

If this person actually wants help? And is willing to change? I say give them a chance, with healthy boundaries in place.

Good luck!