What would you do? - continuing relationship after therapy ends

[joeylittle]

I have not found anything saying its against the rules

I'm curious, what is he licensed as? (LPC, LMFT, LCSW...there should be some initials after his professional listing)

 

[Deleted member 42665]

I'm curious, what is he licensed as? (LPC, LMFT, LCSW...there should be some initials after his pro...

LMFT

 

[joeylittle]

This is from the AAMFT (american assoc. of marriage and family therapists) Link Removed

Marriage and family therapists are aware of their influential positions with respect to clients, and they avoid exploiting the trust and dependency of such persons. Therapists, therefore, make every effort to avoid conditions and multiple relationships with clients that could impair professional judgment or increase the risk of exploitation. Such relationships include, but are not limited to, business or close personal relationships with a client or the client’s immediate family.

A friendship while in therapy, or the promise of friendship at the end of therapy, would potentially risk exploitation of the client. Whether there are any guidelines specific to the state he is licensed in, would be something you could look up. The rules about 2 years or 4 years tend to definitely apply to romantic relationships after therapy has ended, but only sometimes apply to more social relationships. The real concern - on the therapist's side - would be that crossing over into friendship territory while still engaged in therapy would be a manipulation of the power dynamic, and not in the best interests of the client.

I think it would help you to have as frank and direct a conversation with your therapist as you can. While you might get information you are unhappy with, it would put your mind at rest around some of these questions. It sounds like your therapist is potentially sending mixed signals to you - or, you're reading them that way; either way, that's a communication problem that it's worth straightening out.

And who knows - he might believe that friendship with a client is totally fine, and that he knows how to manage his own boundaries. You'll just never really know unless you meet it head-on, and therapy is partially about practicing confronting topics and issues that we find stressful/frightening.

 

[Deleted member 42665]

This is from the AAMFT (american assoc. of marriage and family therapists) [url="Link Removed...

Thanks for the info. I have no interest in friendship while a client or even right when it ends, I know there is a time, I just need to know his personal views on AFTER therapy friends with clients, and again I'm not even asking to be besties.... we are both introverts anyway so rare occasional meet up to talk or whatever.

I am 99.999999% sure he wont agree to it, just because of all the "rules" and well my luck in life.... but I feel the need to put it out there, although once he knows I will regret saying anything. Yes he is very friend like already. Very mixed signal like. More than likely I will end up having him read it and then I'll just say we can forget it and move past..... I can't handle the rejection even though I know it will happen. So much drama with therapy.... but yes I kinda figured the time thing was only for romantic, I had not heard it anywhere on specific friend times, only that some people actually do it.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I think it would help you to have as frank and direct a conversation with your therapist as you can. While you might get information you are unhappy with, it would put your mind at rest around some of these questions. It sounds like your therapist is potentially sending mixed signals to you - or, you're reading them that way; either way, that's a communication problem that it's worth straightening out.

Agreed. My therapist and I had these discussions. He acts as if we are friends in therapy. We have very strict boundries but part of my therapy was learning how families are supposed to be and how a normal family dynamic is supposed to look like and as examples he used his own family. Nothing detailed but its why I know a lot about his family. So today we have very almost friend-like discussions and realtionship. Which is rarher nice. But he would never meet up anywhere and though he will talk some about places he and his wife like to go (trying to get me out and go to some places by talking about them) he would never meet up there. Even after therapy. Any amount of time after therapy.

It's not uncommon to want to be friends with your therapist. My therapist says many of his clients try to friend him on facebook (where he politely declines) and stuff. I've also had the thought (at the time that the talk of churches and differences in his church and the ones I've been to) I wanted to ask if I could go to his church with him but didn't as I already knew that was a boundry not to be crossed. But, I had the thoughts of asking.

Therapists are used to these things. And some of it is just our brain trying to cope and feel loved, cared about, and safe. Like I have had some MAJOR sexual fantisies about my therapist and then would self injure after as "that was bad". But, after I told him he helped me see that these were times where I felt very unsafe and my brain was thinking of someone safe to help me feel safe. If that makes sense. It makes a ton of sense why you'd want to hang out with your therapist. I think mine would be a blast to hang with. And its not wrong to have those thoughts. What is wrong is your therapist taking you up on that offer. That is for sure an abuse of power as the only reason that you want to hang out with him is because he is your therapist, you trust him, and have built a theraputic relationship. This is why transference is common in therapy and I'd classify this as maybe some transference.

Anyway, my point is, it's not wrong or bad to have these thoughts and I am sure your therapist will fully understand why you are having these thoughts and will help you see that it is quite normal as the patient of a therapitic relationship. Maybe he can help you find out why you are having these thoughts? I have them because I have no friends, no one there to love me or care about me, and it is like role play in my head to help me feel cared about. To help me feel like not such trash. My therapist said last week that each time I have tried to make connections with people they have turned out not just dramtic but traumatizing so it would be natural for me to not want to make connections with anyone today and stay isolated in my little bubble. We were talking about how to make friends and connections with people. And its my way to sort of creep out of my bubble in my head. I dont know how to explain that but my therapist helped me see that it was completely normal.

That said, a red flag to me would be if he took you up on the offer. 2 yrs legally or not, in my opinion, it is not ethically right for a therapist (or even retired therapist) to see one of his ex patients outside of therapy no matter how many years its been and my therapist doesn't. If you've been a patient of his he doesn't hang out with you or even friend you on facebook at all. He may say hey to you if you run into each other accidently but he will not meet up with you. That's the ethical thing to do.

 

[Deleted member 42665]

As I've said, I read many stories, even on this forum in a post I made a while back about people who are friends after therapy, so it happens... ethical or not, it happens

I don't think it's just "transference" as people assume... most therapists and clients don't casually text each other on a regular basis.... about nothing therapy related..... and he has allowed me to "hang out" with him at his office on a few occasions when I was not in session and was not charged.... there is many "odd" and "friend like" things he does beyond support and be nice/funny....

I know it's not likely because of all the annoying rules of therapy but I still have small hope because of how he is with me.... I'm not asking for a ton... I know that I will have even worst trust issues when he turns me down though, because I will never be able to assume anyone wo is friendly and chummy with me actually wants to be friends....

It's a crappy situation to be in but I've got to know once and for all..because my mind can't take it anymore. I need time to try to accept this has all been a massive pity party most likely.

 

[Emotional girl]

Call my old fashioned or ethically minded but I really do not think that a professional person should be texting a client outside of therapy especially about things that are not related to therapy,to me that would be breaking boundaries.
Maybe it is different in the USA but I know in the NHS in the UK if my T was caught sending texts like that then he would probably get a servere warning or lose his job.Here in my experience we are not allowed to have any communication outside of therapy and everything is professional which at times is difficult but I think it is the right way to go.
I have got a very close relationship with my T to the point that I told him yesterday that I loved him and it would have quite easy for him to take advantage of the situation but he never ever breaks any boundaries and he is 100% professional with me and that makes me feel safe and that I can trust him 100 %.We have fun together and a laugh but at the end of the day he is my therapist and he will never be my friend or anything else.
The whole idea of a therapeutic relationship is being able to open up to someone in a safe way and you learn to trust that person.It is about learning to grow as a person and as I was told yesterday it is learning not to be too dependent on that person.
Instead of wanting to be friends with your T I really think you should be looking at why you want him to be your friend and why you would be so disappointed if he wasn't your friend.Sorry if that isn't the reply you are looking for but I think somebody should be honest with you.It should be down to your T to talk you through your attachment issues and why it is so important for you to be friends after therapy.However judging by what you have said I am not sure if that is a conversation will happen because there are very mixed signals from both parties.
Anyone would feel upset and disappointed if we heard from another person that they didn't want to be our friend (I know I would be )after therapy but at the end of the day they are not meant to be our friend they are meant to be a professional person.

 

[Deleted member 42665]

Call my old fashioned or ethically minded but I really do not think that a professional person s...

Oh I'm aware its not normal or whatever and he could get in trouble but I would never say anything, I love it too much and I would not want to ruin his life over it.

That being said... it has nothing to do with being a therapist.... we get along insanely well, share values and so much in common, its no different than why I would want to be friend with anyone else who was the same.... theraspist is his job but at the of the day, he is a human being. Humans click in different ways with certain other people. It happens, and thats why. It feels like a friendship already and I know it would be good, I hate attention so being able to talk even more about him and support him would be amazing

 

[Emotional girl]

I click with my T as well and we have alot of things in common and there are times where we even think the same thing at the same time .We are both human beings and have a connection as well but he has very high ethics and would NEVER take advantage of the situation.
You want to be his friend and be in his life so much that you can't see that this whole situation is so wrong and on so many levels . Being a therapist is different from other jobs because it is meant to be based on trust and safety , I think he should be reported because he could doing this to several people.
We can give you as much advice as you want but I think you have your mind made up.I wish you all the best for the future and hope that things work out for you.

 

[Deleted member 42665]

ok then, I wont even bother with it. I will just have him shred it.... I am so sick of this whole thing. I can't handle rules of people telling me who I can and can't be friends with. I'm done trying. I am probably gonna just ghost him and not go back.

I am gonna text him now and ask him to shred it but thanks for all the feedback anyway everyone.

 

[Emotional girl]

Don't put that on me as it isn't fair.It is completely up to you what you do with your life.
Nobody is telling you who you should be friends with we are just giving you our advice on how we see the situation.
Instead of shredding it why don't you use as a opportunity to have a honest talk with him.

 

[Deleted member 42665]

I already told him to. He already knows I have friend like feelings for him so I'll leave it at that, no use in making a jerk of myself.... by being "Wrong".... and ya this thread ended up becoming a lecture on friendships not actual advice I asked for.... anyway its over and gone. Not gonna bother with it anymore.

I don't think I am gonna go back either. I can't keep doing this to myself when its WRONG....as ive been told about a million times by people, some how others get lucky, I am just not one of them. oh well.... I will try my best to move forward from here.

Don't put that on me as it isn't fair.It is completely up to you what you do with your life.
Nob...

Also I wasn't saying you were telling me who to be friends with,lecturing me yes, but not telling me... that comment was directed at whoever makes these dumb therapy rules