UnicornSightings
Platinum Member
Oh no!!!! I’m so very sorry it didn’t go the way you wanted!!! Want to talk more about it? You are sooooo not worthless!!! Love to you!!
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What would you do? - continuing relationship after therapy ends
- Status
I'm really sorry that you're so hurt, I don't know what he said or how he handled it but I hear how sore you are. I wonder if you can identify what would have been an ok or good enough way for him to handle it assuming the he couldn't agree to a relationship with you after therapy ended? Knowing that might help you understand why you're so upset by the way he said no.
Rose White
VIP Member
@DogLover33 I’m sorry you are hurting so badly. Do you want to talk about what happened? I’m willing to bet that there are lots of people on here who have gone through something similar.
It sounds like your fantasy about your therapist is breaking, don’t you think that’s good? Would you rather relate to someone authentically or through the lens of fantasy?
I think there are more survivors on here who have had to deal with transference than haven’t. It manifests differently for each of us, but one thing is similar, it feels unbearable and has the potential to trigger depression, self harm, avoidance, aggression, and so on. It’s very real and very painful.
Transference is not always dealt with by the therapist in a way satisfactory to the client. You have talked about your feelings for your therapist on the forum for a while now and you have described how he behaves toward you. Some people have told you they think your therapist is unhealthily crossing boundaries with you (examples: texting regularly about non-therapy related stuff, telling you you are his most attached client, letting you hang out in his office outside of sessions).
So maybe you leaving him is not such a bad idea. It’s absolutely not you, it’s him. If he tried to protect you from the transference, rather than help you go through it, by giving you hope that he would be available to you at all times for the rest of your life then he cultivated a dependence in you. Attachment is absolutely critical for the therapeutic relationship, however if that is not balanced by a healthy working relationship, then the protective adult in you might be eclipsed by the needy child.
To me it sounds like your therapist didn’t violate any professional ethical boundaries, but he was close and did not help you develop independence with your condition!
I think you were super brave to tell him how you felt! I’m so glad he didn’t say yes and lead you on even further. You deserve to be treated with healthy and respectful boundaries. Please be gentle with yourself no matter what you decide.
Personally, I felt suicidal when my therapist didn’t allow me to connect with her any time I wanted! Looking back I realize that was a very immature reaction, and I’m grateful I continued with her in spite of it because I feel more grounded now. I just want to emphasize that it is not your fault! You are not inherently unloveable. He is a professional, you are paying him, he messed up, you have more than ample evidence of his mistakes, it’s not you.
One more thing, boundary violations can feel very very good in the moment, especially if you lived your life with messed up boundaries! It’s the aftereffects that hurt so badly. You did not do anything wrong. I would have reacted in a similar way, based on what you have shared. I’m sorry you are hurting so badly. I’m sorry he made you feel so alone.
It sounds like your fantasy about your therapist is breaking, don’t you think that’s good? Would you rather relate to someone authentically or through the lens of fantasy?
I think there are more survivors on here who have had to deal with transference than haven’t. It manifests differently for each of us, but one thing is similar, it feels unbearable and has the potential to trigger depression, self harm, avoidance, aggression, and so on. It’s very real and very painful.
Transference is not always dealt with by the therapist in a way satisfactory to the client. You have talked about your feelings for your therapist on the forum for a while now and you have described how he behaves toward you. Some people have told you they think your therapist is unhealthily crossing boundaries with you (examples: texting regularly about non-therapy related stuff, telling you you are his most attached client, letting you hang out in his office outside of sessions).
So maybe you leaving him is not such a bad idea. It’s absolutely not you, it’s him. If he tried to protect you from the transference, rather than help you go through it, by giving you hope that he would be available to you at all times for the rest of your life then he cultivated a dependence in you. Attachment is absolutely critical for the therapeutic relationship, however if that is not balanced by a healthy working relationship, then the protective adult in you might be eclipsed by the needy child.
To me it sounds like your therapist didn’t violate any professional ethical boundaries, but he was close and did not help you develop independence with your condition!
I think you were super brave to tell him how you felt! I’m so glad he didn’t say yes and lead you on even further. You deserve to be treated with healthy and respectful boundaries. Please be gentle with yourself no matter what you decide.
Personally, I felt suicidal when my therapist didn’t allow me to connect with her any time I wanted! Looking back I realize that was a very immature reaction, and I’m grateful I continued with her in spite of it because I feel more grounded now. I just want to emphasize that it is not your fault! You are not inherently unloveable. He is a professional, you are paying him, he messed up, you have more than ample evidence of his mistakes, it’s not you.
One more thing, boundary violations can feel very very good in the moment, especially if you lived your life with messed up boundaries! It’s the aftereffects that hurt so badly. You did not do anything wrong. I would have reacted in a similar way, based on what you have shared. I’m sorry you are hurting so badly. I’m sorry he made you feel so alone.
- Post starter
- #40
D
Deleted member 42665
Hi all... well the thing is I knew he would say no, saying no and that its unethical would have been perfectly ok with me... BUT I felt like his constant excuses and lack of listening to my feelings about it really made me feel worthless and like he was fake.
Some examples... he told me he can't tell me anything about himself it's against the rules...and says he doesn't. Fair enough only, he does, a lot and very personal. He went on and on one session about his divorce. I know so much random odd things about him and I remember nearly all of it and he has a horrible memory and often forgets things about me. I didn't like that he pretended to be innocent about that.
He claimed I didn't know him really, again, I disagree, I know enough of him to consider it a friendship or like one..... he was snarky and was like, for all you know I'm a nazi. Really rude comment
I tried telling him, I will just stick to dogs then, because I can't do this anymore. I'm sooooooo tired and drained by people doing this stuff to me and he just went on telling me to go meet new people, and find someone I can trust and open up to. Literally after I said I was over people. He knows I struggle socially as well. It's hard for me to say hi to anyone, let alone, allow them into my private life.
I told him people online have done it and I thought it was ok to ask. He said, they all should be reported.
This part was the worst for me, literally last week, he assured me TWICE that he would never change boundaries on me when ending... then he says "Texting and emails have to end at some point" but then after that went on to say, but you can keep in touch with updates, ummm how if that's all ending? I feel betrayed. the sweet, nice, fun guy I trusted all this time, was just a figment of my imagination. I'm not sure I can trust him enough to go anymore but I also don't wanna end this for good this badly, I want to try and fix it somehow.
Anyway.... I only got 2 hrs of sleep, I can't handle things right now. I just wanna run away and never see another human again.
Some examples... he told me he can't tell me anything about himself it's against the rules...and says he doesn't. Fair enough only, he does, a lot and very personal. He went on and on one session about his divorce. I know so much random odd things about him and I remember nearly all of it and he has a horrible memory and often forgets things about me. I didn't like that he pretended to be innocent about that.
He claimed I didn't know him really, again, I disagree, I know enough of him to consider it a friendship or like one..... he was snarky and was like, for all you know I'm a nazi. Really rude comment
I tried telling him, I will just stick to dogs then, because I can't do this anymore. I'm sooooooo tired and drained by people doing this stuff to me and he just went on telling me to go meet new people, and find someone I can trust and open up to. Literally after I said I was over people. He knows I struggle socially as well. It's hard for me to say hi to anyone, let alone, allow them into my private life.
I told him people online have done it and I thought it was ok to ask. He said, they all should be reported.
This part was the worst for me, literally last week, he assured me TWICE that he would never change boundaries on me when ending... then he says "Texting and emails have to end at some point" but then after that went on to say, but you can keep in touch with updates, ummm how if that's all ending? I feel betrayed. the sweet, nice, fun guy I trusted all this time, was just a figment of my imagination. I'm not sure I can trust him enough to go anymore but I also don't wanna end this for good this badly, I want to try and fix it somehow.
Anyway.... I only got 2 hrs of sleep, I can't handle things right now. I just wanna run away and never see another human again.
I think that's the crux of the matter - you know him as a T, the relationship exists purely to be of help to you in your healing. You know how he supports you, cares for you and reacts to you and you know some stuff about him but you don't know him.
By that I mean you don't know about the things that worry and concern him, you don't know how he feels about his family, the struggles he has, you don't know what he enjoys doing, how he takes his coffee and what gets him out of bed in the morning. And if you do know these things, his boundaries have been pretty lax.
Say, for example you became friends? Friends share their concerns and frustrations - what if you found out he actually really hates his work, that he's always worried about money because some clients need a reduced rate and he doesn't feel confident he knows what he's doing sometimes? All very common feelings about work, all pretty common for Ts that I know but as a former client it could be incredibly harmful for you to know that about him.
Or what if you found he was dealing with mental health issues of his own, or was having a hard time with his kids etc? Real friendships are two people being there equally for each other - there are parts of his life he would always need to censor and things you simply couldn't help him with without being harmed yourself.
There are things I know about my T, I've worked with her a long time and stuff has come up from time to time that impacted on my therapy - we have a really lovely relationship but she isn't my friend. I think we'd get on so well outside of therapy and I have huge respect for her but she isn't my friend. There are good, ethical reasons for those rules.
Yes, texts and emails between sessions will stop at some point but it sounds like you sending an update, letting him know how you're doing from time to time is something he'd be open to. I'm guessing he's having to reflect on how his boundaries might have slipped over the course of the therapy but he is right about not being friends when it finishes - the pain for you of that going wrong would make this hurt feel pleasurable in comparison.
- Post starter
- #42
D
Deleted member 42665
I know the answers to all those things, including what mental health issues he does have, that he has no kids and that he does have money trouble and sometimes "doesn't know what to do" with clients.... all of that has been discussed with me, he literally has never refused a single thing I've asked him about himself.
I know what a friendship is, I am fully prepared to be there and care for him... and listen to things about his life. However I can't anyway...so what does it matter? It sucks that WE PAY, yet have no real say in anything beyond what to talk about. They make all the rules. I just need to not trust people who are nice and friendly anymore. It has happened to me way too much, not therapists obviously but just random jerks who seemed like friends and nope.... I give up on people. I am sticking to dogs. My heart can't take the pain anymore.
I know what a friendship is, I am fully prepared to be there and care for him... and listen to things about his life. However I can't anyway...so what does it matter? It sucks that WE PAY, yet have no real say in anything beyond what to talk about. They make all the rules. I just need to not trust people who are nice and friendly anymore. It has happened to me way too much, not therapists obviously but just random jerks who seemed like friends and nope.... I give up on people. I am sticking to dogs. My heart can't take the pain anymore.
All of this suggests he's been both unethical and harmful to you - of course you're going to be confused and upset about why you can't be friends. I'm sorry he's let you down by not holding clear boundaries.
joeylittle
Sponsor
@DogLover33 - it sounds like he is a therapist who brings himself into the therapy session, often. It's not an uncommon technique, and each therapist has differing levels of how much or how little they do it, or when they do it and why.
It sounds to me like there have been times when he has done this, and he likely thought he was helping you by giving you a personal example - when in fact, it was taking time away from what you wanted to say. Meanwhile, you have been attentively listening to all these personal things he's brought into the session, because something in the act of him sharing them made you feel good - wanted, maybe (I don't mean sexually) - or trusted? Or liked? It might help you if you write more on what your thoughts were/how you felt, when he shared things.
It sounds like sometimes, it frustrated you - but sometimes, it made you feel good. Can you explore that?
It sounds to me like there have been times when he has done this, and he likely thought he was helping you by giving you a personal example - when in fact, it was taking time away from what you wanted to say. Meanwhile, you have been attentively listening to all these personal things he's brought into the session, because something in the act of him sharing them made you feel good - wanted, maybe (I don't mean sexually) - or trusted? Or liked? It might help you if you write more on what your thoughts were/how you felt, when he shared things.
It sounds like sometimes, it frustrated you - but sometimes, it made you feel good. Can you explore that?
- Post starter
- #45
D
Deleted member 42665
I can try... not sure how to explore anything really. I just know I'm mentally a mess... and this has not helped at all. I'm back to never wanting to trust people, ESPECIALLY when they are nice to me.... and I'm just struggling with how much he lied to me about. I have so many feelings, I will probably try to get in again this week or have him call me... at least try to get more out there since I mostly was quiet in session and left with so many crap feelings. I can't sit on this all week. Just trying to see if I can trust him anymore. That's the hard part
joeylittle
Sponsor
Can you make a list, here, of some times that felt good, what he shared, and what you were thinking - and the same for times you felt bad, what the share was, and what your thoughts were?
- Post starter
- #47
D
Deleted member 42665
Like just thinks about him?? All the stuff we bonded over felt good. All the jokes and teasing felt good. Him sharing his birthday with me even though he was reluctant to, felt good..... him telling me stories about his friend and fun things they did together, felt good... at times, hopeful.
Bad....his divorce, I felt so sad for him.... his sick grandma, his dad dying etc, all these were things that my compassionate side really cared deeply about him over... I felt true compassion.
Just seems like the way I'd be with anyone else who was like this with me
joeylittle
Sponsor
Were you ever frustrated with him talking too much?
Or, in retrospect, maybe you resent it now, because you thought his sharing was adding up to you and he becoming friends?
Or, in retrospect, maybe you resent it now, because you thought his sharing was adding up to you and he becoming friends?
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